Ask HN: Is it normal to be emasculated and subservient in your workplace? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: Is it normal to be emasculated and subservient in your workplace?

2 pointsMarvelousWololo7 comments

I have just started to work on an European IT company as a software developer and I think the vibe at the office is quite toxic. But the problem is that I seem to be alone on that and I'm the only one who think it sucks. It's not rare to be yelled at, humiliated in front of your coworkers with so called jokes or asked to do overtime just because, it doesn't matter if your wife and toddler are waiting at home. It hasn't happened to me yet but this morning I heard my boss bullying a nice guy who is in my team because he's late with a task and the sprint ends today. It made my blood boil so bad that I'd undoubtedly punch him on the spot if I was the one being yelled at (I've never slapped a single soul in my whole life but there's no way I would accept that), I felt so bad for him because he was totally defenseless and didn't even tried to argue back. He is a really chill dude and he invited me to have lunch later, he did not know that I've heard the conversation and he confessed he was really nervous because he didn't know if he would be able to finish his task, he told me he was planning to do at least 4 hours of extra time this evening just so he could a have a chance to finish it and then nervously laughed it off. I feel so sorry for him that I told him that this kind of things happens sometimes and he should not feel ashamed. He quickly bought a sandwich and returned to his desk. These dudes are being so emasculated that it doesn't even seem real for me.

No, it’s not normal.

But it has nothing to do with masculinity. It’s not normal for women to be treated like that in the workplace either.

Yes, in the workplace ultimately your boss has the last word and you have to do what they say (and perform up to their expectations and meet reasonable deadlines) to keep your job.

Even a good boss may sometimes ask you to stay late to meet a deadline that has meaningful consequences for the business. And if you’ve shown a pattern of poor performance or behavior and have not shaped up after multiple calm discussions, they may berate you. Enforcing deadlines and making sure you’re meeting expectations is your boss’s job.

But that doesn’t mean it’s ok for them to bully you. Public humiliation; speaking in a way that belittles you; that starts to cross a line.

I’ve had otherwise good bosses who would occasionally make tone-deaf “jokes”. In one case, they made me uncomfortable because they stemmed from a culture that’s less familiar to me, where people (mostly men) express fondness by making fun of one another’s quirks. I put up with that until they crossed a line; then let him know I didn’t find that funny, and he stopped.

It’s not entirely clear from your post which side of the line this falls on. If it’s the wrong side, my suggestion would be to find a better place to work.

You're right, I had to cut the part where I talked about they being emasculated because of the character limit of HN and forgot to update the post title. This dude has working for 8 years or so, so I don't think it's a matter of poor performance or behavior in this case. IMO even that would not be a reason to berate someone, if you're not happy with someone else's performance or behavior after talking over and over about it with them, just fire that person, don't be a douche. I appreciate your input. Thanks.

Are you looking for another job now?

...if not, you should. This is definitely not normal, but the longer you'll stay in such a toxic environment, the more you'll get used to it, until it seems normal to you. RUN.

I'm not sure yet. I think I'll stay longer to see how it goes. The salary is pretty good and there are lots of benefits. I don't know actually, I've just arrived. It's been a month only.

If the office is that bad, other people are probably already looking for a job. Maybe there's something about the situation that makes it hard to get a new job (not many jobs locally, some immigration or work permission issue). In any case, I'd be doing work with an eye towards a future job change.

You're absolutely right. I'll be doing that. Thanks.

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