Ask HN: How do you overcome the fear of being friendly at work? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: How do you overcome the fear of being friendly at work?

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I never cared much about being a very popular person, neither in college nor in high school. That didn't stop me from having different groups of friends that I would usually hang out with. In college that time got more and more rare, as coordination is balls-hard to do among different majors and increased chance of clashing schedules. But I still had a small group that I'd sometimes meet once a month or so.

My school days are now past me, over 10 years ago. I'm now a professional software engineer that goes to work all day, go home and play video games or surf the internet at night, still manages to wake up on time.

When I go to work I mean it- I have almost no interest in getting to know people outside of work. I talk to them of course, that's part of the job to work as a team. But I'm not interested in their hobbies or making small talk. If it's not work related I don't want to know about it, and I take breaks by just distracting myself on the phone. I'm usually known as a serious person at work... well good I guess, right, because that's why it's called work and not play? Well, not really as we shall see.

I think the lack of interest in idle chat has worked against me in the long run. A small but insidious habit where you refuse to make new friends after graduation. Last time I was laid off, it hit me hard.

My social skills are now so bad that I have no idea how to interview anymore, no guidance except for one mock interview at Triplebyte and another with a person I met in a local Slack group.

I know the world isn't consciously out to get me, but holy cow it sure feels that way sometimes if you don't have a network to lean on. So how do I overcome that fear of being friendly at work? I feel distraught with my career.

And the reason my career isn't going in the direction I want it to is that I am not a good enough speaker, and because I haven't built up a good network.

Humans are social animals. Technology (i.e. work, phones, netflix, computer games, browsing the internet) can distract us enough to neglect social relationships but it is no substitute. Clearly you are coming to that realisation after 10 years.

Start small, if you have any hobbies go to a meetup or group for that hobby. Go do a fitness class in a gym.

Try asking a few people each day "how are you". It doesn't matter if the conversation doesn't go any further than "I'm good thanks" but just do it. It sounds like you don't like small talk but consider where that has gotten you, maybe you need to reevaluate your thoughts on human interaction, maybe you have been wrong?

Being friendly doesn't mean being friends, does it?

Something I didn't really know that was important before it was put in my face was expressing thanks. Do express thanks. It's a small thing. An office and carpet is cleaned, aircon and/or heating is more-or-less set right. A salary arrives on time. Required applications on your PC and the network is stable. Parking spaces or nearby public transport. Many other small things.

Someone's working to ensure these small things, which when compounded together are not small at all, are there. It may sound out-of-place at first, just say thanks, and say it sincerely citing appreciation or an example to demonstrate sincerity. It's not about "let's be friends", it's just appreciating someone's efforts.

If you're not feeling like a good enough speaker, I have seen some people do really well with Toastmasters, not only in presenting but also receiving and giving feedback. The format's not for everyone, my old local club was a tedium sometimes but a lot of fun when bringing variety.

Start by learning to listen quietly and pay attention when someone is talking about whatever they do talk about. Ask questions instead of sharing your opinion. There is a lot to learn from others this way. How they solve problems, how they perceive change in their work/life/health. You will have time on your own to reflect how you felt about what that person shared with you, no reason to reflect right away. You can do that later, once you had time to consider.

It is in the mirror of other people's souls that we get to see who we really are.

Well, you put yourself out there and explained your situation pretty well. You must have (in person) social skills, maybe they are just a little rusty?

I would try to be friendly outside work as it could be less intimidating. I think you will find that a lot of people have the same interests as you do.

To be blunt, you are actively refusing to socialize, just start talking to people. Tell people about your life and hobbies. Find out who plays the games you do and what they think about them.

A conversation starts so simply, "Play any good video games lately?", the worst you can get is 'no' and that is still a opportunity to tell the person what you've been into. Maybe they will keep the conversation going, maybe not. But it's still a conversation.

There's another recent topic here from someone else, on asking how to get a job while you have a job. And some of the replies suggest he has similar problems I do which comes around to my struggles in my career.

I almost always apply to jobs cold. Go online, through the filter of unwashed masses. Then eventually I learned that referrals get you on the short list to interviews.

Someone who mocked interviewed me told me what was wrong with my approach. Generally speaking I meander too much when I talk. I hope to have another mock session with him again. We actually scheduled four of them, one week after another, but he only had time to do the first one. The rest of the schedule was postponed indefinitely because too busy to do them (because of work). No wonder finding interview help from professionals is hard, even in person.

Step one:

   Find a GOOD toastmasters group to join

Warning there are bad ones, find at least 3 and try each one out. I personally looked for one that was friendly and not overly strict. The very strict ones, IMHO, have trouble keeping members. Who the hell wants to go somewhere to get beat up all the time.

Note there are different speaking skills. Toastmasters will help you in business a lot! It will help you a good bit in your personal life too, but for that you might need to go out and meet and socialize with people. Consider finding a meetup group.

The best thing you can do is be good at what you do AND be seen. My friend has a phrase I love "when it comes time to be called on you have to be in pointing distance."

My divorce taught me that friends are fickle and As a result I dont care at all what anyone else thinks of me. My status is dependent on the value and work i bring to the world I choose to inhabit. That's plenty to get ahead.

From what you say, you have what you consider a personal problem that you want to work on (at work or not).

If you search the HN archives you'll probably find tons of advice for networking, making sincere friends, changing careers, etc. You may also benefit from therapy.

Best wishes!

> You may also benefit from therapy.

One thing that therapists can do is recommend books.

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