Hacker News Reader

Comment by johnchristopher | Hacker News Reader

> “Tell me about yourself,” a.k.a the only icebreaker you’ll ever need

Big no-no in some parts of the world (yes, even the Western americanized world).

I remember an article on HN describing how the usual "So what do you do for a living ?" was very insensitive and an American woman had it hard striking a conversation with her husband's african dad (or something like that).

As a European I find this opener extremely aggressive, even in a friendly setting. It's the first line used by HR in a job interview. Not a pleasant way to start up a conversation.

View on HN

Thanks for the comment. "What do you do for a living?" is a question my wife dreads. She doesn't fit in a traditional "stay at home mom" (we don't have kids), nor does she have a job. She then has to figure out a way that is socially acceptable to justify what she does at the moment (art and self-education / self-improvement).

This reminds me of the valuable reminder I got while studying to be a math teacher: many students don't have a mother or a father - so telling kids "have your mom sign this paper" would be insensitive. Similarly, assuming a person you're talking to has a partner of an opposite sex isn't very sensitive.

I'm glad for this whole HN discussion!

I have always just asked "so what do you do?" because I'm in my 20s in a college town so I always assume that many of the people I'll encounter at bars etc are students. Leaves it open ended: are you in school? Are you working? Both? Neither? Something in between? Secretly five groundhogs in a trench coat? And actually many times I've had people tell me in depth about their art/writing/music pursuits and only briefly mention their serving job or something, and honestly that's way more fun and interesting to talk about for both of us.

What do you recommend as an alternative? I prefer the phrasing, “what matters to you” or “what are you currently excited about”, but it’s the same basic thing.

I like being asked such questions because they let me guide the conversation and decide how much I want to disclose, which is the reverse of how many people here interpret these questions. Beats getting stuck in a shallow conversation that neither party really cares about. You have to actually be interested though and open for any response. I’ve had great conversations about everything from Warcraft to politics to medical school just by being interested in what the other person is saying

I think a good alternative is to ask "Where are you from originally?" then that naturally leads to how the person got to be here and what they are spending their time doing here. The person can decide to tell their whole life story or just give a one-word answer, no pressure

It really does depend on the setting (a party, a brunch, an after work drink).

I'd go with the flow of the setting and let conversations unfold. Normally the host or others should kick-off the conversation and include you at some point. No matter what they shouldn't disclose sensible things about you to jump start the conversation (and certainly not a "Tell me about yourself").

Now if you are digging for stories, I find that listening to conversations and going from there with a question about a specific does the trick.

Also, you could very well be there for the humane experience of being in a group, not necessarily disclosing yourself or trading interesting stories. Sometimes shallow conversations are OK for the mind because maybe you just wanted a casual stress-free interaction with a human being you don't want to sell anything to.

As an American I find it extremely aggressive also. I have literally never heard someone say “tell me about yourself” in a normal, casual conversation.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com