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Comment by iamben | Hacker News Reader

No, I'll try it though. After a small talk introduction I'll usually use (the fairly similar) "so what do you do with (/how do you spend) your days?!" - or sometimes "time" and sometimes "_like_ to do with". Generally depends who I'm talking to and what I know already.

Asking about work seems to define the direction of the conversation, and some people don't work, which makes it a little awkward. Everyone does _something_ so this gives whoever you're talking to an opportunity to pick what they want to talk about - "I work in marketing" or "I'm trying to get my black belt in karate". Then you just starting picking around that topic and ever so often drop in a short annecdote or story of your own (followed by another question - "has that ever happened to you?!") to keep the conversation going.

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I hate "what do you do" question with a passion. Not saying it is a bad one, as most people don't seem to mind, but I dislike the implicit (possibly unintentional) importance given to my work or even having one.

And I know people for whom this question is really anxiety inducing.

Yes, agree 100% - hence a more open question (and then feeling the direction from there).

I’ve learned that one of the skills needed to function in American society is the ability to answer that question with grace despite one’s misgivings about it. It is a socially conditioned, and for the most part innocuous, attempt to connect, and should be treated as such.

I’ve known people who have tended to respond to that question with sarcasm or hostility. They also tend to be the most socially shut out. And then they wonder why people don’t like them. It’s one of those things where you expect society to be better but it isn’t. The choice then is either to become bitter or to redirect it into something more positive and gracious.

If one is unemployed or one doesn’t have a career a good neutral response is “I’m in transition”. Any number of creative responses will work, and will keep the conversation going. But one responds with hostility because one hates that question, one will invariably pay the social costs and may be killing potential budding friendships. I can tell you, most of the time it is not worth it. The downside is greater than the upside.

On the initiator’s part, a good alternative to it is “what keeps you busy?”

Everyone spends their time on many different things. If you ask the question in such a way that it doesn't require the work/school/unemployed answer, then the question in effect becomes: "Of all the different activities on which you consistently spend time, which is the one you most want to talk about?" That might be a pretty decent way to get people to start talking about something they're genuinely interested in.

One of my regular responses to "what do you do?" is "I struggle with how to answer that question"... then launch in to a bit about work and hobbies, seeing if any of those topics I talk about resonates with the other person (travel, music, food, tech, etc). Then we can dive in more on that subject.

Agreed. I actively try to see how long I can talk to a person without getting anywhere near what their job is. Yes, the job may be interesting but most people are MUCH more interesting than being reduced to "I'm an engineer" "i work at apple" whatever. My answer is that i tell people I'm an aspiring astronaut...because I am. I have no qualifications and zero contacts in the space industry but conversations about the stars and possibilities of science are a lot more interesting than talking about my businesses.

I would encourage others to avoid asking "what do you do?" As well. Ask what the person's favorite book is, their favorite trip/place, their favorite memory from childhood, etc. I promise the resulting conversation will be much more interesting and also give you a better view of the person.

Looking at your alias there, I can imagine that possibly you don't like talking about your work herding goats?

What you describe is how most people do it.

"Tell me about yourself" is something else entirely. I look forward to your description of how it goes with strangers.

Respectfully, I don't think it is, and the tone of your reply suggests you assume it'd go badly. Other than being (perhaps) slightly more expansive as a question, I really don't get what the big deal is. It's an opener. I'll happily give it a go and I'm fairly certain it'll be fine.

Edit: by badly, I mean badly for me. I'm getting a bunch of downvotes above - obviously this is just my opinion, based on my interactions with people over the last few years.

I promise you that the people who down voted you have also experienced interpersonal interactions over the last few years.

For sure. But we all experience things differently, right? Hence being able to debate it. Doesn't make my opinion any less valid.

I prefer being asked “tell me about yourself” because it allows me to choose to what depth and on what topics I want to open up about. I get to talk about things I find interesting in my life currently to the extent I want to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about my job or my company to people at work let alone strangers.

It’s really blowing my mind both that people seem to have never asked this question, or can’t imagine it going well. I find it extremely easy to ask strangers in a friendly, casual way and get interesting responses. Sometimes people don’t know where to start, so it’s good to have some suggestions (say, asking about music they like or books or art or whatever).

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