I have interacted with Apple’s app reviewers for years and never experienced what you’re describing.

Sure, "close your account" is actionable, but it's funny to think that it's not a clear sign that their customer support is completely broken. I mean, when you inform a company of a problem and their customer support admits that it's a bug on the company's side, but they can't fix it because they don't have any way to inform the developers from the company in question, how is that not being broken? Customer support should be a filter to the developers, but instead they're a fake door. Despite being a 3rd party, the customer support represents the company. From the customer's side, the company apparently can't communicate with itself. That's completely broken in my book.

> I frequently read worse on HN

Right, that's why it's funny. The bar is very low here, and that's why you can count it as not being completely broken.

> I wouldn’t call that “completely broken”.

The intent of customer services is to retain a customer in the event of problems. "You should close your account" is therefore broken customer service.