How do i pitch bloggers? Advice please

Here's some ways to maybe not do it wrong:

But without the text of your pitch, it's hard to say what went wrong.

Thanks for the reply. Here is the text of the pitch..

Hello, I am Samuel, CEO of Adclays Advertising. Adclays is a system built for publishers to sell ad spaces directly to advertisers with the industry lowest fee of 15% and it gives more control to the publishers. Publishers can choose between CPM or tenancy pricing and have total control of their zone. We are currently in Beta and need users to test our system. We currently have some publishers using the system. Beta users would use the site for free without fees and would get other incentives when we launch.

  You can check out the website and our press kit at:

http://adclays.com/company/press/kit.php

If you have any questions, please mail me. Looking forward to hearing from you. Thanks.

There is nothing on that front page of www.adclays.com that is standing out as a reason for people to contact you back. And you have wierd spacing on the periods there. You have a misspelling in the title of the page: http://www.adclays.com/publishers.html and there is nothing on that page either that stands out as a reason to use you. You can't just put a big moneybag on the page and a screenshot of the login and have people knocking down your door.

Hey thanks for the comment. I have corrected the misspelling of the page title.

i don't think it's very reasonable to expect a response rate greater than 10% without pre-established connections.

for that reason, i'd highly recommend creating a list of the bloggers you covet and following their twitter feeds. i'm constantly building rapports with bloggers that could one day prove valuable. i don't need their help right now, but it's never too early to start engaging with them.

my advice for the actual message: -spend as much time on your subject line as the body of the message -keep the message as concise as possible -think about why it would interest them

hope that helps!

-adam

Thanks Adam,i have included the actual email i sent to them. What do you think?

Hello, I am Samuel, CEO of Adclays Advertising. Adclays is a system built for publishers to sell ad spaces directly to advertisers with the industry lowest fee of 15% and it gives more control to the publishers. Publishers can choose between CPM or tenancy pricing and have total control of their zone. We are currently in Beta and need users to test our system. We currently have some publishers using the system. Beta users would use the site for free without fees and would get other incentives when we launch.

  You can check out the website and our press kit at:

http://adclays.com/company/press/kit.php

If you have any questions, please mail me. Looking forward to hearing from you. Thanks.

You'll have a ~0% response rate if you copy & paste the same generic letter to the bloggers.

you have to personalize the note. if i was a blogger, i would stop at "hello" --> you don't even know my name?

also, keep in mind that these are bloggers. they're not your grey-haired journalists. you don't need to sound robotic.

my best advice would be to write a conversational note.

two thoughts to your wording choice: "We are currently in Beta and need users to test our system." need users sounds like you're begging. you should exude confidence.

"Beta users would use the site for free without fees and would get other incentives when we launch." that's a waste of a sentence. i'd say make the note shorter or talk about what makes you unique.

sorry about being harsh. hope it helps!

Thanks for the advice. Noted the points.