I wish there was a service where you'd send a url of an article such as this one and it'd spit out a summary with only the relevant data and without all the surrounding cruft.
Something like a tl;dr for this type of articles.
It's called an abstract, and it's a thing for scientific papers. If you want literally none of the human side of a story or discovery, research papers are a great solution and don't need to be recompiled from longform journalism.