Ask HN: How do you deal with anxiety/insecurity over salary? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: How do you deal with anxiety/insecurity over salary?

9 pointshumanperson11 comments

Between friends, here, on blind, etc. it's always a given that somebody will be making more than you. And up to a point it's helpful to understand what market rate looks like.

But what do you do if you try your best, grind leetcode, interview, negotiate, etc. and you still find yourself "behind" [1]?

I don't think the solution is making more money, per se, but managing how you feel about it.

I feel like my life took a sharp turn for the worse when I found out how much my buddies at Google make. Even though I have more than I need to be happy, I still feel this dissatisfaction that permeates everything I do. Living in the Bay area I feel it's impossible to escape it. How do you all manage this?

[1] Obviously a ludicrous term for making many multiples of the national average.

Edit: The experiences I listed above make reference to the field of software engineering in the Bay area, but I am interested in answers from everybody.

Maybe stop being a wage slave and having the mindset of one. I know it is a bit of a hard statement, but life goes MUCH beyond a paycheck.

Let's suppose your friends will be richer in the end of their lives than you.

Should that change you? If yes, then maybe you need to grow up as a stronger person, maybe with hobbies and something beyond a number that receives money in the end of the month.

Being born in a third world country playing soccer on the street with the kids and being poor and now living in Europe, I barely see any change other than I need to live with disgusting people more frequently. This $250k/year life is quite boring, you are the company you work for. I grew up thinking about being great at software, have a lot of friends, this and that, not that I have to make more money than my friends(I make like 100x of the people I was born and lived most of my life with, but it makes no difference). I actually want to maybe help they also to get it. As we are healthy and productive citizens, it is up to us to help who are behind or maybe just need somebody to talk to, or a laugh.

Every raise I get, the less fun people I get to live/work with. I've been fighting against this trend for a while already and my life has been getting much better. It isn't saying that I don't wan t to succeed, but that success for me in my profession has changed. For instance, I would rather have impact(could be in a political party or a movement/be a good husband/good friend etc). Or speak another language(already got a few) etc.

Create a basic balance sheet spreadsheet for your self. In the rows, enumerate out the next 50 years In the columns put in your Income vs Expenses Factor in things like marriage, kids, buying home, college, reasonable investment returns.

Make the numbers work for the life you want. You don't need to be a billionaire to have a fulfilling life.

Your salary doesn't reflect your value as a person. Lots of highly-paid people are exhausted, miserable, unable to save, etc. Past a certain point, more money isn't more happiness.

Remember also that salary often reflects luck, willingness to be unethical, and many other qualities that have nothing to do with your worth.

Remember also that salary often reflects luck, willingness to be unethical, and many other qualities that have nothing to do with your worth.

Unethical is a strong word, when employers have had the upper hand for way to long. How many times have you heard "$X is the highest we can go for this position" or "the maximum budget is $Y" only to find out a coworker makes more than $X or $Y? Ever heard that "company policy limits raises to 5%" and then find out someone got 10%?

I have made a science of strongarming raises out of my employers (threatening to quit, using counteroffers as leverage), switching jobs often, and stretching the truth with salary history. For example, when I made $80k with a 20% bonus (I had a good shot of getting it) I reported my "total compensation" as $96k when I interviewed. The next job offered $110k to convince me to sign. It's no more unethical than the old "max budget" line companies give.

That's negotiation, nothing unethical about trying to get your worth.

Let me explain the ethics thing.

I refuse to work in adtech (including Facebook and Google), military, or MLM schemes. I don't think everyone who does those things is unethical, but I won't even work for a company whose products I think are bad for their users/customers.

Because of that, I'm giving up on multiple high-paying opportunities every year. Is my overall income lower as a result? Maybe, maybe not. But it can't be helping me, financially speaking.

I feel like mega tech employers like Google will always be an outlier when it comes to pay.

You can't be comparing yourself to others, find yourself, find what you like, and do it, do it well. Try to mix things up to stir the monotony of the bay area, move around?

The grass is always "greener".

It seems like you have taken steps to try to increase your income and now you feel like you are still missing out.

I think it’s normal to have those feelings when we compare ourselves to one another. No healthy, but normal.

Maybe this is where you really look at your life and what you want to prioritize and focus on. What legacy you want to leave behind.

Focus on yourself.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

> ... I have more than I need to be happy.

End of story. You're doing fine. Trying to compare yourself to others is a losing game. You also went on to say that living in the Bay Area makes it hard to escape. I'm no therapist, but if I were, I'd be telling you that you just answered your own question. You aren't unhappy about your money, you're unhappy with where you live.

But to answer your question of how to escape it, I live on a small farm just far enough out of a big city to never really go there, and try to live a simple life with my family. It works for us.

I was going to ask this exact same thing today.

The numbers posted in any career-related thread are insane. i.e the 300k-1m+ total comp packages.

Being outside the Bay Area and even the U.S., this just isn't common. In fact, this would be a CEO salary for a small cap firm on the ASX (Australian Stock Exchange). It makes me wonder: why am I wasting my time here?

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