>> If you unlock your phone via face recognition or fingerprint, they have that too.

They don't, your fingerprint data never leaves your device [0]

>> Is there any viable alternative to Android or iOS that doesn’t require you to be www-authenticated to make a fucking phone call?

Can't you use one of the many available feature phones?

[0] : https://support.google.com/nexus/answer/6300638?hl=en