"As it is today I can not buy a phone without having a deep bottomless disdain for it."
I feel the same way, but I don't feel negatively about it.
I have an iPhone and I treat it like a hostile/suspect device and that is working quite well for me.
Apple has no idea who I am - I have never even typed my own name into the phone. Apple doesn't even know my phone number as my "real" phone number is one I control and forward to the burner SIM (straighttalk) that is in the phone.
My actual phone provider (twilio) doesn't know who I am.
Straighttalk doesn't know who I am - they got an assumed name and email address. Same for the very, very few apps that I use.[1]
So unless Apple decides to acquire twilio and whatever verizon MVNO I am using this quarter and my credit card issuer, all they've got is Fakey McFakefake.
None of this was difficult, aside from building my own carrier inside twilio, but that was fun.
[1] Remember: VISA/MC do not verify names on purchases. The user interface strongly suggests that they do, but they do not - if you correctly enter your number/expiry/CVV/zipcode/etc., you can put in any old name you want. There is really no reason for any app to know your real name.