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Comment by mrdependable | Hacker News Reader

I've been struggling with adulthood ever since turning 30 and starting a family. I have this image in my head of what life after 30 looks like from seeing my parents and all their friends doing basically the same thing as each other. It's not a life I want for myself, but every decision I make pushes me further and further in that direction. My mind has been programmed to think and act in a way that eventually lands me in the same life as my father.

In order to buck that trend, I've decided to try doing something that goes against my better judgement and pushes me out of my comfort zone. I'm hoping I'll learn a thing or two about forging my own path.

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All the comments applaud the change and to avoid the unavoidable, but isn't the unavoidable a "normal" path almost everybody takes? When you are young, you have all the options. When you're done studying, you realize you choose a path. And the options deminish. Than family life, husband/wife, kids. Now you're options are crushed. You need the income. The kids need the stable home. Of course there are a lot of variations (people not studying, not having kids, being wealthy, etc), but I think the majority do study, work and have kids.

I wonder, is your father still around? Did he have other plans? Or, like you, "life happened"?

I'm not saying you shouldn't spice up your life by getting out of your comfort zone. I'm saying, accept the part that "life happened". You did nothing wrong, you walked the path, like the rest of us. Now make the best of it!

> You did nothing wrong, you walked the path, like the rest of us.

Earlier in your comment you say "Of course there are a lot of variations", but then here you treat it as if everyone ("the rest of us") walks that same path. Not everyone does.

I would kill to be a normie

Aim higher. And a bit to the right. Breathe.

Everyone who is “normal” has quirks. If you don’t see any then you haven’t looked closely enough.

I'm intentionally delaying marriage and kids partly for this reason. I think it's important to not feel like too much is left on the table before settling down. I'm 27 now and not planning to have kids until 35 at the earliest.

A lot of it is that I'm only just evolving into the person I want to be (more disciplined, focused on the right objectives, happier, etc), and I want to capitalize on that. I studied pretty hard all the way through to the end of college. Then worked really hard after that. I think I missed out on a good amount of what makes youth enjoyable as a result.

So I look at the time between my late-twenties and mid-thirties as a chance at a redo, but this time with better financial security. It's actually a lot more fun when you're more experienced, know more about what makes you tick, and have optionality.

I sometimes wonder how many very ambitious people have a similar life experience.

My wife and I actually used a similar thought process to decide to have kids at 25, haha! We decided that since we were going to spend the ages of 25 to 45 working our asses off regardless, we figured that we'd rather be done childrearing in our 40s instead of our 50s, then we'd have more money and life experience to draw on to really enjoy the the years before we're too old to be out and about much. In our case, we didn't want to take those later middle age years off the table.

That said, I definitely think your strategy is a good one. My parents had me around 35 and I know that their age and stability contributed a lot to an excellent childhood.

mann.. completely relate to this.

my understanding is that trying to buck the trend will still keep my attention on the trend I'm trying to buck. As when riding a motorcycle, keep your attention on the place you're trying to move to rather than the one you're trying to avoid.

so instead my focus should be on things that truly move me.

good luck on this journey, I definitely feel ya.

edit: for me, making the world better (however minutely), and community are important. I now stop & help/talk with homeless people and also started this site: https://www.spane.org

> my understanding is that trying to buck the trend will still keep my attention on the trend I'm trying to buck. As when riding a motorcycle, keep your attention on the place you're trying to move to rather than the one you're trying to avoid.

> so instead my focus should be on things that truly move me.

This is so very true. You'll do much better off doing a (useful) thing that you care about than trying to force yourself to do a lucrative thing that you don't care about.

I used to really hate the idea of me living an ordinary life, but I think at some point I realized trying to do extraordinary stuff was stressing me out way too much, and now I’m hard at work being as ordinary as possible.

I think my goals have shifted from providing the best life for myself in the future to providing the best life for my child in the future, and I seem to be completely at peace with that.

You seem to be equating "extraordinary" life with "providing the best life for oneself" and an "ordinary" life with "providing the best life for one's child". Is that correct? If so, I don't see why that should be.

It need not be. But almost always is. As your ability to take risks diminish you live an "ordinary" life. To provide stability for your family you almost always take that route. Sure there are exceptions, but those are just that.

Not necessarily, that was just the way things turned out. The shift in my thinking and having a baby happened more or less at the same time, but it had begun before.

I am pretty sure the solution to this is "DON'T". As in, don't start a family until you want to be tied down. Of course, there is that whole thing where you miss out on that aspect of life. It's a pretty expensive aspect though.

Interested in knowing what the 'thing' is. Sounds like a good start tho.

Agreed, the context is important. If by ending up like their parents they mean "getting old", I'm afraid there's no way to avoid that.

Basically I'm scaling back my profit making in order to focus more on doing what I'm passionate about which doesn't have some monetary end goal. It's not practical, but provides a sense of fulfillment to me and will allow me to meet other people who are of a similar mind. I'll earn a lot less and won't have creature comforts like living with a view of the ocean, but that's just part of the tradeoff. My wife fully supports the decision.

I was raised around a bunch of conservative business owners where everything has an opportunity cost and spending time or money on something that has no tangible return value is considered silly. Not that there is anything wrong with that way of life, but it basically turns into a cycle of work, sleep, eat (which is what my life has been for the last couple years).

Exactly the same (minus the family). In my mid-30s and every time a friend settles down I feel a little drawn toward the path of my parents, but without any real compelling reason other than social pressure. It might have to be something I simply do out of boredom rather than desire.

> My mind has been programmed to think and act in a way that eventually lands me in the same life as my father.

Freedom from something is not freedom though because you are modeling your life as a reaction to thing you are trying to free yourself from so you are still tied to that thing.

Very much in the same boat, I've been doing something similar and trying to pursue some long-term lofty objectives without compromising my current work/life situation. Making steady progress on personal projects helps a ton.

Perhaps this book could help as well: https://www.amazon.com/How-Found-Freedom-Unfree-World-ebook/...

I'm just reading it, and at the very least it may help recognize the various trap we're in and a way to forge a path to get out of them.

Mid-life crisis? How do you feel about Corvettes?

my uncle bought one in the 90's, someone totaled it the same week. I do have a couple 240z's, but im mid-20's. ha

Also drifting towards my 30's and bought a Jaguar last year. It's a ton of fun and I can only recommend it to counter adulthood insecurities.

Lol 30 year old midlife crisis. Wait till you are 50 and you look back and think of what you didn’t do. The flip side is you can look back at what you did with some satisfaction.

My point is that 30 is not old by any measure. Barring bad luck, you still have another 40 to 50 years to do something different.

When you are young, you have a lot of potential. You really have the potential to be anything. As you get older, you lose that potential by making choices that limit your choices in the future. In exchange, you actually become something or do something worthwhile, instead of doing nothing worthwhile but having the potential to do anything.

specifics. specifics. specifics.

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