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Comment by toxik | Hacker News Reader

This analysis seems much too statistical and superficial. If your partner and you are fighting more than you think is manageable, you need to make a change. That is your prerogative. You can treat them differently, you can try to find out when and why you get into fights, you can change jobs, you can change partner. All of these choices will have an enormous impact on your quality of life, and the dynamics between you.

Your outlook makes it sound like you have as little effect over your own relationship as you do over the stock market.

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There are some red flags that you can tell pretty early on in a relationship if you pay attention.

- How do you argue? Is your partner denigrating? That’s a personality trait and an immediate no.

- Do they have an addiction? If you are married, you can try to work through it if they want to get better, but statistically it’s a long shot. But if you are just dating, why bother?

- Are they materialistic? Are they just in the relationship for what you can do for them?

- Are they honest?

Etc.

Not sure how true, but I feel if they're denigrating to other people, it's also a red flag.

Insofar as there are litmus test type questions for people, I try to avoid them. But one that always stuck with me is: look at how they treat servers, waiters, cleaners, etc; and; look at how they treat their closest family members. It will tell you something about how they feel about other people in general, and about how well they develop long-term relationships.

Granted, even this information gets tainted: narcissist parents, for example, might come across as their parents being nice, but them not being nice to their parents.

>> "Granted, even this information gets tainted: narcissist parents, for example, might come across as their parents being nice, but them not being nice to their parents."

You can tell a lot about someone by how they treat someone they don't like. Some people get downright cruel with people they don't like, and it's a huge red flag because some day they may find reason to not like you. You're just setting yourself up to become a target once you find yourself on their bad side.

You sometimes see this when someone's hating on a public figure. They insult the person's weight, appearance, and speculate about their sexuality. I am never surprised when these people turn out to be abusers and harassers.

Some people get downright cruel with people they don't like, and it's a huge red flag because some day they may find reason to not like you.

Trust me, if you stay married long enough, there are going to be times that you don’t like yout spouse and vice versa. That’s when you really see what you are both made of. Over time the rebound either gets faster as you learn how to disagree civilly - or worse.

Very interesting, and something that I talk to my partner about at times. My method of managing emotions is to try to cool off before engaging in a new discussion, if not for diplomacy then for my own sake -- it is so tiring to be angry!

I think this is also why words of affirmation and acknowledgement are so important, like taking the five seconds it takes to say you appreciate your partner, and thank you for clearing the table after dinner yesterday.

Personally, the one that resonates with me is how they treat their family or friends they don't like that much. I find it very easy to treat people I don't know well, but it's hard for me to not be snarky-etc to family members that I don't respect.

I mean, it’s dating advice on a site called “Hacker News”.

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