Ask HN: How to make friends? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: How to make friends?

6 pointsjtd001234 comments

I realize that this is likely posted once a year, but I haven’t found an answer specific to a personal problem. I should probably give some backstory. Without going into too much detail, when I was a kid up until the age of 12 I was bullied so badly by much older members of my extended family that it sent me to a downward spiral. I didn’t fully recover until senior year of high school, where I finally made some friends, and at 22 I dated someone for the first time who would later be my wife.

But I was still isolated, at 23 I started getting panic attacks, and became very nervous in social situations for no apparent reason. I couldn’t hold down any job because of fear of negative evaluation, ( I would literally freeze in place or be in utter confusion for minutes at a time) I took everything from SSRIs to therapy, but strangely enough, the only thing that worked was running 7 days a week, something I gratefully discovered at 27 and now do habitually. (haven’t been on medication since). Now, at age 34, I still find it awkward to meet new people, even though I have been told by coworkers that I am quite affable, and am still at my job for 4 years (where prior I couldn’t hold down one longer than 3 months)

All that said, I am still underemployed and I feel a big part of that is a lack of connections. I guess I’m posting here because ycombinator seems to attract a lot of formally shy people who became almost super-connectors. There are also non-pragmatic reasons for this, I am lonely a I feel a big part of it is the discrepency between my desired network and my actual one. (just an FYI, I’ve been to three professionals in my lifetime and all of them insisted that I don’t have autism)

I guess my question is this, to those formally shy people who got out of it, how did you make more friends?

I agree with what other folks have said. Participating in a hobby with others (e.g., workout class, painting, tennis) will give you a shared interest to begin conversation, which can make connecting less anxiety provoking. Finding a group that helps others (such as mentorship within the tech space, or helping at risk youth with college prep, or working with animals at the shelter) is also a nice way to connect with others on a mission that has greater meaning, which can be motivating from an attendance perspective, but also help with making conversation since you can also talk big ideas with those around you.

I also think that taking time to notice people in your environment can be helpful. We are all so glued to our phones that there are a lot of missed opportunities to talk to others and connect in our day to day. Maybe someone is struggling with their coffee at starbucks, and the simple act of helping them starts up a conversation. That interaction can either be a practice interaction (a smaller short term interaction to prove to yourself it isn't as scary as perhaps the anticipation made you think it was) but also has the potential for a real connection with someone.

Looking for facts can also be helpful in managing social anxiety. For example, if you're worried that people won't like you if you speak with them, think to yourself "how would I know if people didn't like me? Would people tell me Im affable? What does it look like when people don't like other people, and is that happening to me?" Often how we feel isn't really based in facts, and by realizing this, it is easier to overcome the feelings that interfere with our ability to do what we want to do.

Best way to make friends is to be a part of a group doing an intense activity for a prolonged period if time (1-2 years).

For example join a local sports or esports team.

There are a few things necessary to make friends: close proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions; and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in one another. See here https://nyti.ms/MmWvQn for more on this. My suggestion would be to find some hobby you enjoy that allows for frequent interactions and a space where failing is commonplace. It will take time and putting yourself out there will be difficult, but hopefully it help you gain friends. Some possible examples of this include a sport, dancing, cooking, reading novels and analyzing them, electronics, board or table top games, etc. Ideally whatever you choose has a lot of social interaction. For me this meant a climbing gym but I know many people that do the things I listed and have made friends doing that.

There are a couple of different approaches, depends on what you are looking for right now... a) join a volunteer oriented club, b) identify people one-hop out from your current professional network that you want to engage with and email them to see if they have time to meet, and c) talk to your neighbors.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com