Hacker News Reader

Comment by Roritharr | Hacker News Reader

My son is nearly two years old now, two months before he was born we had a 7 day vacation in a silent cabin in Norway. Since then nothing I've done with our family would fulfill my understanding of the term "relaxing". I really wonder how other parents do it.

We've just been to the beach for a few days. I love spending time with my son & wife, but I really don't get "relaxed" by this, rather a feeling of fulfillment and contentness. It's no "charging my batteries" type of vacation that I've enjoyed before becoming a parent. What am I doing wrong?

View on HN

You're not doing anything wrong. You're now a parent. Your life has changed forever.

I know that life changed, I'm just wondering what other parents are doing and what works for them. Asking here because working in tech we have similar freedoms that other people might not enjoy.

My kids are 5 and 2. Nothing really seems to recharge the batteries. Aside from some chill time while they are in bed. It starts to get less intense closer to 3, but nowhere near what it’s like without kids. We went on a 5 day beach vacation recently and set our expectations low - it was great, but also exhausting.

We fly in my wife’s retired parents for a week in the winter and go off to someplace warm as a couple.

We take the whole family to a four-generation, ~20 person in one large house lake vacation a week in the summer. With enough people, you get some downtime (and some doubled-up-upon time).

We really like the winter week away, but the summer vacation with the large family is more fun and differently semi-relaxing.

Things also get easier and more interesting as they become self-cleaning, self-loading, and self-entertaining (when they can read). Until age 5 and especially 3 and younger is intense. It lightens up some.

Your life as a parent needs to be only partially about your kids. You need to keep and nurture your adult relationship as well. It’s not ALL about the kids.

We also make it a point to split housework and give each other “time off” to do hobbies, go to the gym, go out with friends, play sports, etc while the other adult has the kids. Keep a shared Google calendar to coordinate things.

It’s a series of small things, integrated over a long time.

This is wise counsel, especially if you have a similar in-law or parent setup.

Your life sounds like a script for a romantic comedy movie.

Unfortunately, I think most of this is far from real for most parents.

I agree that the trips are not the norm for all parents, but the two vacations cost $5-8K (depending on where we go) and two weeks’ PTO combined. That’s accessible for many tech workers, which was GP’s question. The lake was $1063 per couple this year for everything once you got yourself there (room, food, drink, and boats). We all try keep it affordable so her whole family can easily attend. Everything else in the post is “free as in beer” and should be accessible to most parents if they make it a priority.

The greater point is to structure your life and relationship so as to have an escape valve that lets you keep your individual and adult couple identities/interests and not merely become 100% pure parent for a decade straight without break.

You're many years from that kind of relaxation. The closest you will get is taking time to yourself, but within a day or two you'll likely start missing your kid. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Take it in turns to look after kids or hire a baby sitter for some of the time. Maybe one day of the holiday

I’ve only been a parent for 9mo but have yet to find anything relaxing. It’s been the most stressful time on my mind and my body. Don’t get me wrong, i wouldn’t change a thing if I had to do it again but some days the thought of just being dead is peaceful and calming.

I hope you mean, "thought of just being dead" not literally, postpartum/post-being-a-parent depression is real and needs to be addressed, please talk to someone if you are feeling "blue" .

I have a 2 year 3 month old - she is the joy of my life and makes me want to live, do well, be a better person for her. Over the last couple of weeks she has started waiting for me to come back from work by waiting near the window. When I leave for work, she gives me a hug and then runs over to window to wave goodbye. I can say this with utmost certainty that no one has give me such an unconditional love like she does. I love her more than life itself, would not hesitate to go to extreme measures with a happy smile on my face. However every now and then I think of times before her and sometimes wish we (my wife and I) can be spontaneous - take a weekend trip to portland with zero preparations, or careless - sleep in until 10am and watch the office reruns, supercut of all godfather movies. You find more relaxing things to do though.

Here is a parenting trick:

Last year on our trip to Hawai'i, we had a room near pool, once our daughter was down for a nap, we'd walk out of the room (with do-not-disturb sign on door knob), with a baby monitor pointed directly at her crib, walk 20 feet to the pool bar, order drinks and hangout and watch her sleep on the monitor. I turned it into a game, order every beer that bar offered (not quantity, variety). That was the best vacation so far.

That's some practical advice! Thank you!

Looking forward to describing this to the Booking Agent:"We need a room, close to the bar & pool. And a kids bed please."

Relaxing vacations with kids is impossible. Even if we were at some type of resort where the staff babysits them during the day, we would still need to take care of them in the morning and evening.

To be honest, I can't wait to get back to work after a vacation so I can finally find some relaxation time. Vacations with kids is exhausting. Going to work is like a true vacation after going on a vacation with kids.

If you want a relaxing vacation, you have to ditch the kids. On a regular basis (1-2 times a year) my wife and I have the grandparents take over kid duty while we get away for a few days. This does take some scheduling since our parents do not live in the same state we do.

Family vacations are mainly for the benefit of the kids - for the parents, they can often be tenser than staying at home. If you really want to relax, you might consider taking a few days off with your partner, leaving the kids with their grandparents (if that is an option).

You need to internalize that some day soon you won't be able to do this soon. Your son will have other interests than spending time with you. You have his full attention now but it will go away because of friends, career, his own family, etc. This is a very special time in your life. Don't waste it.

I'm gonna go listen to Cat's in the Cradle and stare at the wall for a bit.

Nothing wrong. Just the daily interaction with people whom you care deeply about, but have their own minds, will limit your ability to fully relax.

In my own experience, when the kids got old enough that they didn't need to be watched 100% of the time, it got a lot more relaxing, maybe not down to the "silent cabin in Norway" level, but still pretty darn good.

Some circumstances have been more relaxing than others. For us, restaurants are a headache, and moving from place to place is stressful. So we choose a location in some less-expensive town and rent a cabin or apartment there for a week or two. That way, we can leave our stuff in one place, cook our own meals, etc.

A possible short-term idea is to "vacation" in a place that resembles your home well enough for your kids to be comfortable, but without all of your possessions and responsibilities getting in the way. An empty house with a big back yard. Now that's an idea.

To relax you have to ditch the child with family for a few days. You don’t need to do anything crazy - just leave the kid with someone you trust and get a hotel anywhere and be adults and you’ll be fine.

If being with your partner is stressful, maybe find a way to carve out some days in the woods alone or with friends. It’s not impossible and definitely helps recharge.

My kids are 6 & 4 and you're not doing anything wrong. Either that or we're both doing something wrong. :)

Relaxation comes in small spurts, like getting your head above water, so suck in as much air as you can whenever it happens and live in the moment until the river sweeps you away again.

Beyond that seriously try meditation or yoga or whatever. You can slowly learn to "choose" to be relaxed here and there, but yea no more relaxing beach vacations for you! At least for a little while.

Thanks for starting this thread!

The difference between a trip and a vacation is you don’t take your kids on vacation.

It gets better in a year or two when they spend all their time on a phone.

My wife had the idea to go for a week in S. France and leave our three old with grandparents in Canada.

Worst descision ever. By day two we were miserable thinking about our little one, and every toddler we saw made us cringe.

I can imagine that well. I sometimes have to go on business trips for a day or two. It's always pulling at my heartstrings. I don't think a holiday alone is a good solution, I was just wondering if there is something that I can do to ease the stress of managing the needs of a kid in a holiday setting.

Better would have been still doing the grandparent thing, but staying somewhere else near by (but away from the other family).

This way you can visit if you need/want to, but can also focus on relaxing and recovering.

Eh, I think it’s healthy for both parents and children to spend some time apart. I have loads of friends who have kids ages 3-5 who have never spent a night away from them. And not because they don’t have the option.

My wife and I both travel regularly for work and fun, sometimes with our daughter, sometimes just the two of us, sometimes on our own. Anything longer than a few days does result in us missing her, but really, it’s fine and probably healthy.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com