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Comment by nmstoker | Hacker News Reader

Interesting point about using a person's name. I've always associated that with a slightly patronising manner, which makes me wonder what're they after.

An old boss used to drive me up the wall, as any vaguely difficult conversation he wanted to have would be peppered with my name - it can easily go too far and rapidly become false

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I absolutely hate people using my name in conversation. As you say, it feels patronizing, and to me it also feels fake and manipulative, especially in the context of customer support.

It's interesting to me how much advice about communication involves using a person's name. Do most people like hearing their name dropped frequently in conversations with strangers or near-strangers? Or is this one of those weird unproven "truths of the business" that get repeated because they sound good rather than because there's hard data backing up their effectiveness?

(I am not saying no hard data exists; I've just never seen any and the anecdotes I've heard indicate the opposite, so I'm curious.)

I feel similarly when someone uses my name more than feels natural, and I suspect my awareness of this being a persuasion technique has soured my response to others using it on me. I wonder about the technique's efficacy on people who are more or less aware of it.

Using a name feels even more unnatural when done incorrectly. For example, I get this all the time:

I would be happy to help you with this Mr. Nick

I have no idea why this happens — are there countries in which people call each other "Mr. [first name]"?

You can say that in Polish, i.e. title "Pan" (Mr) or "Pani" (Ms) with either first name, last name or both. So I think people from certain cultural/linguistic backgrounds may not find it unnatural.

This seems to be common in the Philippines, home to many call centers. Many Filipinos are also prone to overusing Sir, to the point that one person I worked with used to refer to my colleagues as Sir John, Sir Bob etc (and no, this was not tongue in cheek).

I'm from the Philippines. I can't say 'Mr. First Name' is common but I totally agree that 'Sir' is overused.

that's an option in Spanish.

I assume people do this as a result of Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People:

> Remember that a person's name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

This may have been sound advice in 1936, but maybe we've just changed socially? There's a subtlety here: people like it when you remember their names, but they find it creepy if you don't have an established relationship.

If you meet someone again in a business or social context, saying "Hi, X, right?" is a reasonable way to improve rapport. Definitely better than the awkward moment where you re-introduce yourself to someone you've already met. However, when you're trying to haggle a mobile contract upgrade and the rep is constantly using your name, that's uncanny valley.

In natural conversation in American English of the 21st century, people use a name only to get your attention or to refer to you when talking to another participant.

"Pat, good to see you. Have you met Sandy?"

"Charlie? Could you explain that bit again?"

Those are natural.

Unnatural:

"Well, Bob, I'm glad you asked." "Can I get you to sign today, Sandy?"

For short messages, I open and close with the person's name. For longer messages, I pepper in the name at points where I feel they may need a reminder that I'm here to help or to emphasize that I care. You're right that if you overdo it, you can create a Stepford-Wives vibe, but if you write the way you speak, it should be pretty easy to avoid.

Why is it important to remind someone of their own name in the middle of a long conversation?

To prove you didn’t forget it?

I suppose to reassure them of the personal touch -- that this isn't a copy+paste response. But to me it usually feels forced. Much better to find a more natural way to remind them this is a personalized message, like referencing their situation. "As this is an urgent request, Jennifer, we can provide..." vs. "As this is an urgent request due to your upcoming status meeting, we can provide...".

I don't think it goes very far to reassure me that a response is copy/pasted or machine-written. My name could be as easily pulled from a database as from someone's memory.

Relevant Mitchell and Webb sketch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1W34wyKZlWQ

(audio nsfw)

At the child dentist I take my kids to, they call men "Dad" and women "Mom". For example, "Okay, Dad, we're here to get a check up for John today? Just fill out this form, Dad." It's awful and I hate it.

edit: I hate it for the same patronizing feeling you described. I love hearing my kids call me "Dad", not strangers.

It's not patronising. It's deliberately manipulative.

There are also many cultures where using someone's first name is outright rude. In Japan, this is reserved for very close friends; in Finland, calling somebody by first name in conversation just sounds odd, period. You already know who I am and have my attention, why are you repeating it?

If you are contacting a customer, and the customer was not expecting your communication, calling by name is an additional way to assure that the communication is not made by mistake.

Person to person, it should be used in moderation, like, well, anything else.

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