Yes, I was being sarcastic. I don't like the homeless problem here either, but it gets slightly better once you move out of SLU to a residential area with $1M houses. We still get things like car break ins though, my neighbor had one just this Tuesday. I'm also thinking about moving some quieter nicer place, but knowing myself, I probably won't.
There's Gilman Playground in Ballard with baseball park. It also has tennis courts. There's another baseball park at NW 63rd St and 20th Ave NW, and another one at 60th and 26th. There are more baseball parks in Woodland Park, and they also have soccer fields. Ballard High School has a football stadium, though I don't know how easily accessible it is to non-students. There's another baseball park/football/soccer stadium at Local Heights Playfield.
But yeah, if you're into basketball, you're probably out of luck if you're looking for any outside basketball place, it's not really that popular here.