I'm somewhere around 20 years older than you, and I feel like I could have written this at numerous times in my life.
I don't really have answers, but I have learned some things about myself and in general that I think are important.
If you have a fear that you may become abusive you should take that fear seriously and be proactive.
Go to therapy now if you can (maybe you already are, I'm just talking). I avoided this for a long time because I had bad, or no, health insurance. I wish I had made the investment in myself early.
Be very careful with alcohol and other substances. Dependence and substance abuse creeps up on you. That quote about day by day nothing seems to change, but looking back everything is different applies to destructive behaviors too.
Deprogramming/unlearning unhealthy coping behaviors is really damn hard and never stops. Things can seem perfect for months and one day you catch yourself taking a step backwards. Don't get too hung up on those steps backwards, two steps forward and one step back is still forward progress.
Almost every day the thought I want to kill myself enters my mind. It's all but lost it's meaning, but I've never completely eradicated the thought. I have no intention of ever doing it, but I find it strange that the thought never goes away.
I never wanted kids either, because I hated every day of my life as a child. But, now I have two. Their mother committed suicide a few years ago and they live with me full time. They are a great motivation and have taught me so much about life I would have never learned without them. It turns out I'm a pretty decent father and have been able to give them love and understanding I never had.
No amount of anger or frustration is going to change the past or fix the future. Acceptance (of self and past experiences) and seeking therapy (group and private) have been to the two biggest positive influences on my life.
I'm not SV successful, but I provide for my family financially and emotionally. I feel resilient because I could have given up before I even tried or after any number of shameful personal failures. I feel like I've won because I have things I never thought possible 20 years ago. A loving family. A pretty decent job that I enjoy. A place to live that I'm not ashamed of.
It's ok to hurt. It's ok to have bad habits. It's ok feel everything you've expressed. I thought I was the only person on Earth with my issues, but it turns out there are many of us.
One thing I didn't realize in my early twenties was just how much life laid ahead of me. It felt over before it started and because of that I wasted most of my twenties and early thirties.
What you went through sucks and you didn't deserve it. It won't always be fun. You may wake up at 40 with some of the same emotions you have now.
That's just from my personal experience. I'm not a doctor of any kind. I don't even pretend to have any answers. I often think if I knew then what I know now how different life might have been, but maybe that is impossible. Or maybe something I said will help someone. I wish you the best of luck.