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Comment by questionsuch | Hacker News Reader

As much as I know all of these things, the attitude my loved one has has killed the love out of me. Constant negativity, agitation, it's just tiring. I just can't seem to not take it personal, and to have a mindset that it is the disease and not the person.

I can't figure out how to start loving the person again.

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Four years ago I was at this point. I talked with a number of psychologists and therapists about this. One of them said: "Have you wondered if your anxiety is really because of your relationship". And so began the steps to disengage and end the relationship.

I don't regret it now. I could not and still cannot keep my empathy separate from the suffering of others. The alternative would have been to harden my emotions and become like a rock. My opinion is that depression does transfer and it is contagious. Just as laughter and joy is contagious. I choose my company wisely now and cannot bear to be around negativity anymore, it just catches and makes me numb to everything.

I choose being sad and ecstatic even while they alternate to extreme highs and lows. I refuse to heal anyone anymore.

Whatever anyone says about this, don't feel bad about it. We are not all the same - some can deal with it and some can not. Therapists actually have a high burn-out rate because listening to other peoples issues can get to them. It's great that you've established this boundary for yourself.

What you just wrote had me wondering if my wife was posting to HN because I'm sure she too is also at the end of her rope dealing with my anxiety and depression. If your person is anything like me please resume the loving and know that in all likelihood you're not being intentionally wronged. We just aren't dealing with the black dog as well as we'd like or wish we could.

If there are no children or other complications, I would not hesitate to leave. The relationship could be part of why the depression persists, and I don't mean that in a "it's your fault" kind of way. Some people just mix like oil and water.

It is possible to leave in a nice way. My divorce followed telling him "I'm tired of hurting you. I'm tired of being hurt. I think we both really gave it our best. If we could do this dance, we would have figured it out by now. I want a divorce." He breathed a sigh of relief and agreed. We both cooperated in making it amicable and not a disaster for any involved party.

Leaving doesn't have to be a case of abandonment or rejection. It can be a case of gently setting both parties free.

Thank you so much. I’m gonna need this way of explaining things very soon, it’s been eating me up inside.

Act in love, no matter how you feel.

That takes emotional energy and strength. You have to find that somewhere other than out of that relationship.

That's how you send yourself to therapy. How long do you put up the act for?

Have you considered going to a therapist yourself?

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