1. Greet the new person and ask them what they are doing there? Are they a vendor? client? someone who accidentally walked in? Oh, they're a new employee.
2. Ask them if they know what their job is supposed to be. If not, find them a spot to sit down while you ask around.
3. Ask IT to get them a laptop. If they don't have one, send out to get one from best buy. When they ask what type say "good, but not too expensive"
4. Ask them how their day is, if they want coffee
5. Get back to work, forget about them.
6. Go back and realize that no one knows what they are supposed to do.
7. Randomly assign them various tasks.
Whatever best practices are must surely be the opposite of this.
At large companies I have seen:
1. 12 binders full of details about healthcare, policies, what happens if you pass away and other remote events
2. Orientation that feels like an abstract business school course
3. On day 1, you are asked to do something really simple to get your bearings.
4. Day 2, you are asked to do something really massive because by now you must surely know your way around.