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> I find it almost impossible to avoid urinating when defecating

Can't you just urinate first, flush, and then defecate?

Fishing out poop from the toilet? No. Buy latex gloves and poop in your hand like every self-respecting primate.

...then fling it right into that envelope!

The sample is not allowed to get wet at all.

OK, so urinate first into a toilet, then defecate into the container. The point is, it's pretty hard to urinate with an empty bladder.

Still seems better than a colonoscopy experience if it's as effective a screen.

The FIT kits I've received have tissue that you use to keep the stool out of the toilet and you can urinate around the tissue. Here's a somewhat graphic video that explains how to use it (this may be NSFW): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOhjxfkf4tw