Be who you are

The title "Be who you are" seems to imply that who you are is an immutable property, presumably defined in your early childhood or something. I don't think that's true.

At age 15, I was as geeky as any kid could be. I frequently skipped school because I studied Mathematics at the University in parallel, didn't care too much about how I looked and didn't like talking with people. Then I decided to change (and I agree with the OP that girls played a big role in this); I started talking to people, went to high school parties (worth it) and took my sisters' fashion advice. Now, 7 years later, I couldn't be happier :) I'm healthy, get to work on awesome difficult problems every day, don't feel like an outcast and picked up some important skills along the way.

Be who you want to be. If you want to be a non-awkward geek, you can even be that :)

During the last week of high school, my favorite teacher pulled me aside. It was a po-dunk high school and I had gotten into one of the top engineering universities in the US, so I was pretty satisfied with myself. But I was also a geek, incredibly coy, and completely one-dimensional.

I admired the guy a lot. He never bull-shitted any of the students. If he didn't like you, he'd say so. But me and him hit it off, even though he was a history teacher and I was a hard science guy. I think he always saw me for the person I could be, rather than who I was at the time. He pulled me aside, and he said "promise me in college you'll live you're life fully." And I knew what he meant. After getting into college, I kind of collapsed. All the work paid off, but I had so much free time, I didn't know what to do with it towards the end of high school. Hadn't asked any girls out. Never played any sports. Never found a good group of friends. I completely neglected major parts of my life.

So in college, I sort of reinvented myself. Joined a bunch of social clubs, even became president of one, asked girls out, got shot down, asked girls out some more, didn't get shot down, played sports, made a great group of friends (who all studied different things), and also did well in school. I became much MUCH happier (and I was already pretty happy).

Getting shot down - man, I learned more about myself from that experience than I have all of the science I studied combined. His point was to live through experience, not just knowledge. Up until college, I was someone who had filled his head/life with books and studying, and stuck to what I was good at.

What I realized was, in high school, you can't possibly know who you are. You might know a few subjects you're good at, and try to reinforce your confidence by sticking only to those subjects and hanging out with the people who do the same. Thats how you get geeks, jocks, cheerleaders, emo kids. Each group follows their own limiting ideology. You'll never see geeks into sports, or cheerleaders into science, etc, etc. At least at the school I was at.

But its the perfect time to just explore. To NOT get stuck in any particular group. "Who you are" should be a very fluid concept when you're young. And as far as I'm concerned, after graduating recently, its still a useful way to look at yourself. "Sticking to what you're good at" may be the way to rack up success. But you don't live through a diversity of experience that might ultimately define who you can become.

Reflection and maturity is healthy, but harboring regrets and second-guessing past decisions just isn't worth it.

It kinda worked out in the end, as I knew that once I had a job, I could shine. But I regret my misspent youth. Irresponsibility isn't as kindly regarded in older people.

Telling my female friends--even the level-headed, rational, down-to-earth ones--resulted in opposition. At best, they would just say good luck finding a girl like that. At worst, they'd keep arguing about why I should get her a diamond.

If you're going to be who you are, there will be things that you believe in that are going to be different from others. If you have things that are different, some people will fight you on it. Pick your battles carefully.

As a scientist, you perform the same experiment 100 times with the same conditions, same procedures and get the same result. You don't expect to see a different result on the 101st time unless you change something different.

Most geeks like to think of themselves as possessing both the ambition and talent to "change the world"; but yet at the same time, they also like to think of themselves as empathetic (unlike those jock duches), hard-working (engineering creates value unlike sales) & down to earth (supports liberal causes) whose work and personality will only improve society for the better.

When in reality, most geeks are afraid of rocking the boat and are eager to please. No one can blame someone who "wants to change the world." No one will get jealous when you are at the bottom of the social totem-pole or an engineer that takes marching orders gladly from management. It takes guts to admit that you are a selfish person (which all human beings are) and oppose other people to get what you want. Especially if the other person comes from a position of greater power (politically, economically, physically, sexually), but that's what makes a man a man, standing up for yourself against all odds.

If you want to be rich, get laid, or even get ahead career-wise. You have to be willing to do what other people aren't willing to do, which is to say take risks that most people aren't willing to bear. You have to be willing to lose all your money and time, get slapped countless times, get into fights, get fired, lose your job, friends & girlfriend. You are willing to undergo ridicule, humiliation & oppression from your peers, parents & authority to be who you want to be, not what other people want you to be. If you can't stand the heat, then get out of the kitchen but don't rationalize it to "being who you are" because you are not who you should be because you don't want to take the risks.

So did I. And I've been haunted ever since by a TV show that perfectly captured my experience. It was "The Square Dance" episode of "The Wonder Years", when Kevin wouldn't hang out with the girl he wanted to because of what other people would think.

The closing voiceover:

"The funny thing is, it's hard to remember the names of the kids you spent so much time trying to impress. But you don't forget someone like Margaret Farquhar. Professor of Biology. Mother of six. Friend to bats."

Life is variety, and each new experience will teach you things you can apply in different ways. It's good to excel in one thing, but you have to be good all-round. And not being a geeky dork is a good way to get started.

Just because you start out one way (it's your parents who actually made that decision for you) does not mean you should end up that way.

There's one guy who you have to believe made the right decision based on the circumstances he was in - that's young ryan. Don't second guess young ryan, he did what he felt he needed to do. Don't go back and belittle his decision. Instead, use his experience to make better and better decisions moving forward.

He was right, and now you have grown more conservative and blame him for that. Don't. Every new thing you do in life is the right thing.

Going always the same patch from work to home, eat always the same food all the time, creating a ritual from everything - that is a common way for an introverts an autistic people to stay away from the world, always looking to the ground.

I know, it is almost painful to do a new, different things, you need some effort, to force you to go a different way, to try a different combination, to visit a new, strange place, and especially to talk to a strange people. But after a many tries you will re-frame yourself, and there will be no more regret ever.

The DRY principle is not only for programmers. It is all about going out of a comfort zone, about developing a new habits and re-framing those which are here from a childhood.