Are My Friends Really My Friends?

I think the whole thing is just so tiring. I think almost everyone I know would do something if I were in trouble and if I asked them (to a point, I don't know anyone who would want to take care of me for a month - even myself).

I read recently that marriage is becoming the same thing where we want our partner to be EVERYTHING - the drinking buddy, the confidante, the psychological help, the travel partner... and supposedly that makes everyone unsatisfied with their partner because it's such a stupidly tall order. Do we hire people to do all those things for us too? On the other side though, if you find that person, you get REALLY good marriages. I would suspect the same is true with friendships. Instead of being worried whether a friend is a true friend, just relish that you have friends who can serve different purposes in your life and if you have a close one - enjoy it.

i do remember having fewer, closer friends when i was younger. at the same time, i don't feel that we had much in common other than being the same age, in the same place, and being part of the "outgroup". i valued these relationships very much (and still do), but they represented the exhaustion of the local pool of viable friends. we spent so much time together and developed strong bonds mainly because there was no clear way to access a more global pool to select from.

today i have many acquaintances with whom i routinely share deep conversations over very specific interests (even irl!), and it is relatively easy to find more of these if i desire. while my social life is much more intellectually rich, it is definitely harder to develop a trusted confidant; conversations just never seem to naturally flow into that territory.

to me, it seems like the older style of friendship and the modern friendship occupy different places on roughly the same pareto frontier. you can certainly prefer one or the other, but i don't feel that either is intrinsically better.

Now we know where to get jobs -job boards-, where to get relationships -tinderlike apps and bars- but we have no idea for where to find people who we click with.

I.e. they like posts, comment and stay across events of vague acquaintances because it's easier than 'un-friending' them (and maybe some FOMO too).

I.e.I.e. They're friends we'd otherwise do without, but yet put in light effort just because and it adds up to more than expected.

Similarly, a question I often ask myself to make sure I'm not becoming trivial and shallow: "Am I the kind of person people would want to be around if war broke out?".

I find this to be a useful framework for considering the varying kinds of platonic relationships one can have.

[0] https://stpeterslist.com/the-3-types-of-friendship-according...

As the article mentions, Gen Y's idea of socializing is having lots of "friends" that remain as such because of technological ties, and chatting through IM and photo sharing. The problem with this form of socializing, for me, is that much of it is a result of everyone's ulterior motive to look good and obtain social validation. In all honesty, I haven't proven to be a very likable person, but I hesitate to have people add me as a "friend" on social media because next thing I know they're going to include group photos of me in order to covertly signal "I have so much fun and so many friends! Look at me! Look at me!" Worse yet, they'll feel that much better that I'm going to add reactions to their banal postings, making them feel like everything they have to say is socially approved of.

It's all gross.

By the by, I've learned that I can go very long periods of time without being around friends(I'm talking months) and, well, I don't die. In fact, I'm pretty happy that I can spend time doing what I want without being hounded to go see X movie or hang out at Y place. Those things can be good here and there, but they're not all life is about. Friends also tend to bring drama that brings nothing to my life; most drama is hyperbole and people bring it upon themselves. Those same drama-friends inevitably ask for advice, but not because they actually want help, but because they want you to validate the decision they've already made.

I've had my periods in life where I felt terrible for having few or no friends. There is definitely a downside, especially when you're younger. But the pursuit of friends is a sign that a person is lacking self-esteem, and perhaps confidence in the one or two friends they already have. As I've gotten older, having friends for reasons other than just the simplicity of having someone to shoot the shit with on occasion has fallen by the wayside. Just as I've given up with the futile pursuit of working my ass off for the lie that working hard is a virtue in and of itself, and as I've given up on trying to pursue the illusion of salvation provided by relationships, I just don't even care anymore about maintaining friends or social circles.

Yeah, it'd be one thing if I was literally alone for a very long time. But it would actually take effort to be truly alone, I gather, for most people. No matter where I've been, or how old I am, someone eventually manages to enter my life and become more than just an acquaintance. We can chat it up on a regular basis, and usually have enough familiarity that we know we can count on each other for small things. It just seems to work out that way, and that accounts for most of what I need out of people; I don't need to share every moment of my waking being with them. Some people have got it tough, and I've known some people who have real issues that hinder them in making even basic connections with people. But, for the average person, I think they'd be surprised to still manage to make friends even if they permanently turned off all their devices.

I do have a best friend, and that is something special. We rarely see each other anymore, but that's where confidence comes in. He and I have known each other for long enough that, no matter what, we're always going to be friends. If work gets in the way that means we won't see or even talk to each other for months or years, it's like no time has passed when we do get to meet again. We don't fret about these things because life really does move on whether we are in the same room or not.

As great as that friendship is, I would function very much the same without it. I hope it doesn't hurt my friend to read this if he ever does, although I'm almost positive he would have guessed that of me, and I think he's much the same. I've learned to be content enough with my own being, my own thoughts, that the need for other people has been greatly diminished. I'm sure some of that is simply a function of getting older, having had enough experiences, and having one's hormones become increasingly scant.

Your friends are what you make of them, and I don't think a lot of people's ideas of what makes a friend is worth as much as social media has made it appear. It's really fine to simply accept that friendship can and usually does have a very low bar, thus, if your friendships seem transient, it's just a function of average people socializing with other average people, and gradually meeting better people over time. Being content in your being and valuing yourself means that this question of "Are my friends really my friends?" isn't all that important.