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Comment by cel1ne | Hacker News Reader

Without any accusations, tell him the path where you‘re heading in written form. You can add potential remedies and the end, but in essence, describe what will or might happen. A good phrase in these kind of messages is

“Unfortunately you didn’t have time to look into XYZ. I’m truly sorry that we now face ABC. But if we do EFG we might still have a chance in fixing this”

In general: use written form, avoid any phrases that put the blame on him, describe accurately what happened and the consequences and end on a hopeful note or idea.

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You are right, it's really hard to get to a consensus if one person feels attacked.

It's really hard to describe some of the major problems without coming across as blaming though since we've more or less followed a path that I attempted to explain monthly for at least 6 months (sometimes nicely and sometimes badly to be honest).

I've taken the most blameless approach I can and I think it might actually be working now though! We may have come to a common realization today that if we don't come together as a team right now it's all over.

To me, that reads as passive aggressive. "It's unfortunate you didn't do your job..."

I think it's a better approach to say "The problems are X. We know this because of Y. My proposed solutions are Z. If you agree, let's get together and figure out how to do Z. If you don't agree, let's get together and figure out where our analyses diverge and how we can come together."

It is a fine line, yes, but if you abstain from any accusations in the rest of the text, then my formulation is generally received as empathy. This is supported by the fact, that there are no lies there. OP _is_ sorry that things went as they went. And it also is objectively “unfortunate” in the sense that with a little luck there might have been a different situation.

The general point is that OPs partner is in a corner. Empathy is needed to allow him to be cooperative and understanding of his own mistakes.

I realize now that at some point in the last few years I totally lost any sense of empathy for my co-founder. As I write this I realized that today was the first time I've shown him any real sense of empathy in a really long time. Coincidentally I think we may have actually made some progress in turning things around today as well.

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

I'm really happy to hear that. All the best.

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