Self-Awareness for Introverts [pdf]

> But I never figure it out “in the moment”

Nobody ever does. My attempt at solving this is to eliminate as much of the "surprise!" moments as I can by delaying things. It doesn't work always, but I have found saying no to things initially helps a lot. Somebody comes to bug you, someone just wants to talk NOW, ask them for some time. More often than not, we know what the other person would say. Think about it clearly and then talk with them.

As this doesn't always works,one more technique is "let silence speak". Instead of rambling about and saying things you would regret later, just stay silent and ask for more time to think and talk later.

Cliff Click (https://twitter.com/cliff_click), the author of the presentation is probably one of the smartest and fastest talking people around. He wrote the original Hotspot JVM and have done tons of interesting work.

First you may want to experience your feelings (you feel hurt, vulnerable, angry), but then try to understand what made you angry. Maybe you have an inner need for contribution and the other person states that instead of contributing, you made something terribly stupid (from his point of view) so you feel hurt.

And then, think about the abusive manager in this case. what may he feel, what may be his needs? Isn't is possible that he felt ashamed because he needed stability, but that need was undermined during his presentation?

Most of these are in the presentation in a form or another, but in fact this is a mediating thechnique by Marshall Rosenberg, called NVC. Anyway, take your time. Don't be ashamed to look into your heart. This is easier said than done, but it's possible to get better in it.

You don't need "comeback" words, you really just need to report this bullying behavior immediately to who's in charge(if that's not your boss) or simply quit for fucks sake.

The separation of opinions from the person changes the dynamics in my head. I still find it hard to work with people who don't do that separation. Discussions with them can be tricky. If I am fortunate, I come out of the discussion learning a lot with wider spectrum of things to consider. However in some occasions I am just drained intellectually and emotionally with opinions such as: I have done this before and just trust me.

I feel soft emotional skills are as much important as core intellectual competency of a person. More study/awareness on this front is always welcome!

[Edit 1: Typos]

In the rare scenario someone would come up to me this way, I would have already been prepared by knowing what exact wrong things they themselves did in the past (not because I am a horrible person, but because people did and would take advantage of me this way in the past). I would directly retaliate and then make sure the person in question learns this lesson for the rest of our relationship. Rinse and repeat.

More importantly, the fact that the person in question can approach you this way and in such a manner is already a good indicator of either you working with someone who is an incredible idiot or there're some organisational issues.

If you have a team of whatever sport, and the goalkeeper fails to catch the ball, you don't blame the goalkeeper. It's a team effort.

If the goalkeeper is busy catching balls is because the defense didn't work, because the forwards' attack wasn't working, or because the coach strategy was ineffective... etc. You get the idea.

Then, just like goals, bugs will always happen.

Unless you refused to do your job, or went against protocols/procedures, you should not be treated this way.

What you do is try to understand what happened and try to make it better next time.

Seems like some good advice though.

I'm getting a 404 on the current OP URL, but this works:

http://cliffc.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/2018_AWarO...

http://www.cliffc.org/blog/2017/07/30/introverts-emotional-p...

Given that the will is there, the best way to influence your behavior is mental modeling because how you see things will affect not only your mind but your body and imagination is a way to see what you want to see.

Whether the model is correct or not doesn't matter. Half-believing it is sufficient. That's how superstition works. Beware that models, not unlike drugs, not only can but often do have side-effects.

This reminds me of the fine grained steps that non-technical people will write down when handling computer tasks. Every click and every menu mentioned. Even down to describing what the icons look like. Then each step will be followed with exacting caution. The interaction never becomes comfortable or natural. Instead it stutters along from one step to the next. Like counting off steps when dancing.

Whereas a skilled user will intuitively understand the UI cues. Even in an unfamiliar situation, where they don't know what menu or setting they need, they will move around trying things just to see what happens. The difference between skilled and unskilled is not planning, or knowing an ever larger number of correct steps. It's about a knowledge of the basics and a feeling of safety in taking risks.

When I read this post I see someone not comfortable enough in their own skin. Perhaps flagging people and making battle plans will help get him started, but imho the goal should be to gain a level of comfort that you can act without careful planning. That will allow you to avoid being 'stun locked'.

If the laws don't help, or you aren't up for that kind of fight, perhaps look for another job and think about how you suss out if this will happen in the next job. Perhaps get a job via a friend who can vouch.

The standard should be assertiveness.

- One's awareness of how they are perceived by other people.

- One's awareness of their own feelings and emotions, irrespective of other people.

Extroverts rank highly for the first point and poorly in the second point. For introverts it's the opposite.

I don't think it makes sense to discuss self awareness if you don't separate the two different types.

Taking a pre-production build to a customer and getting angry when it doesn't work? That's an organizational problem, and the developer is justified in getting angry at someone for doing that.

Everyone is a bit of everything, and the point of realizing or learning things about yourself, such as the fact that you’re more introverted than extroverted isn’t to say “oh well, I guess I’m an introvert” and then define yourself around that. The point is to figure out what your strengths and weaknesses are so that you can work on bettering both.

That’s not what always happens though. Some people do these tests and learn nothing about themselves or how to be themselves. They read that they are introverted and then they google what that means, and then they start becoming more and more like what their google results told them.

I see nothing in those slides that aren’t an exploitation of this.

Obviously you need safe spaces and concentration zones at a workplaces for people who primarily use their brains. But are you seriously trying to tell me that “extroverted” programmers don’t need places where they aren’t distracted? I’d say people with more extroverted traits need those even more, as they get distracted easier and are worse at setting up the “do not disturb” boundaries by themselves. Obviously you need to manage people differently. Some people won’t speak up as much and it’s import to make sure they feel heard, but even people who speak up, might not feel heard or come up with a better “come back” two hours later, and there needs to be room for all of that. Typically the how depends a lot more on the day/situation than what their “personality profile” is like.

often problems that manifest themselves between human beings have an underlying physical cause. take up a character building sport like BJJ where it is difficult to cheat. this acclimates you to physical closeness and the human touch (non-sexual intimacy, fellowship, brotherhood), strength and dominance (power, abuse, corruption), technique and body mechanics (spatial awareness, developing creativity), practice and repetition (dedication, art), competition and individual effort (confidence, respect), teamwork and collaboration (being human). sports teach children how to navigate and are used to develop the mind and strengthen the body for life. they are miniature wars with battles, leaders, and self discovery. if you did play sports as a child maybe revisit that time and try to understand if something was getting in the way of your learning.

expecting the world to change for you while remaining adamant about not changing yourself is exactly where species meets extinction.