How Do You Make or Maintain Friends? Put in the Time | Hacker News Reader

How Do You Make or Maintain Friends? Put in the Time

psychologytoday.com

154 pointsowens9930 comments

For some reason I've always looked at friendship relationships as primarily creative. I don't like to be with people unless there is chemistry for a good conversation that changes our perspectives or adds dimension, or if we are working on something. I don't like "hanging out" because that usually involves a lot of cleverness with humor (and my humor isn't clever-- what I find funny is usually when someone has made some ironic error in their thinking or behavior, and there aren't a lot of ways to communicate this socially without knowing how to set up a good story-- which I don't know how to do).

Consequently, there are a handful of people I consider "good friends" but I don't see these people very often because our relationship is implicitly understood-- I'm here if you want advice, you're there if I want advice, and they know I'll flake if I get invited to something that seems to require anything more relaxed.

I don't know why this is the case, but I can say that the friends I do have, despite barely seeing them in person, I cherish very much. The kind of people who are okay with that bond are usually beyond interesting, and I enjoy being around as they tell me about the exciting things they feel and think and experience. They all have such a way with putting their experiences and all the nuances into words that I can connect with. I don't think you can ever fully understand someone, but I understand my friends in the exact places that they understand me. Maybe that is what all friendships do, but I'm not sure. Just thought I'd share.

That's certainly one category of friendships. You just have to be aware of what category of friends reach person is, and try to engage in ways that are consistent with the frame of mind. There are friends I'm intellectually inspired by, like you say, friends that I do activity X with, and friends who I've had my entire life with whom I can completely let my guard down with. The third category is honestly the most special one, since It's really really hard to recreate it in adulthood.

I can understand childhood friendship that's preserved in adulthood but honestly as someone who moved around a lot as a kid I don't have many of those - when I tried to reconnect with my childhood friends the gap was too wide.

At times, however, underdeveloped social connections are also important.

The secret to great opportunities? The person you haven't met yet (TED, 14m) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFgtI7nt6Q4&t=2s

"We often find ourselves stuck in narrow social circles with similar people. What habits confine us, and how can we break them? Organizational psychologist Tanya Menon considers how we can be more intentional about expanding our social universes -- and how it can lead to new ideas and opportunities."

I'm typically not a TED fan but that was 15 minutes well spent. Great share. Merci ;)

After reading the actual underlying study the article headline seems bogus.

The study simply found an association between the amount/quality of time spent with a person and closeness of the friendship. There's nothing in the study design that allows us to distinguish whether spending time together creates friendships or if spending time together is only an indicator of a friendship. Could simply mean that feeling close to someone leads people to spend more time together.

It's also of college students.

I think what bonds people is shared adversity. Thus, the longer you've known someone the greater the chance that you've come through some tough experiences together (e.g. school, war) and therefore that you trust one another. Perhaps this is how families work. Errors in how to relate cause suffering which paradoxically creates a closer family bond. There are far more occasions to suffer where people share the same space.

I don't think you have to both share the adversity as much as having empathy, listening and really caring (both in your words and in actions) to have a solid friendship. Being comfortable enough to share these things with someone is a huge deal, and sharing what you're going through with others seems to feel good for some reason.

I've heard an analogy that there are three types of relating:

- Therapy

- Yoga

- Enlightenment

This is a very unusual point of view so let me explain: what you've described is therapy relating. It's when you need consolation, a hug, someone to listen to, etc. Yoga is doing things together to experience something new or get something done. This is activity-based friendship, travel, telling stories, etc. Enlightenment is woo-woo type of relating where you relate to people the same way you relate to everything else in life - without purpose, you just do.

These are of course very broad strokes.

I would love to learn where I can read more about this point of view.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=647FIQMR6jg

This is where I heard it. I'd make the suggestion to open your mind very wide however, it is very easy to dismiss what he says because of the way he says it.

The easiest way to get shared adversity is exercise based: crossfit, softball team, something like that.

There must be other ways though.

First year college physics problem sets are a good one :p

This could work, but with caveat. The tricky part is transition from close friends to partners, because while being close friends is the requisite for their love to blossom, there are a lot of unspoken assumptions that each party asks from the other that only romantic partners do. Also, when they know each other for years, they make assumptions about the other and have certain understanding of each other, hence departures from these assumptions could lead to devastating effect.

The millions of men who have been "friend zoned" will probably beg to differ. Groups like "the red pill" insist that the road to love doesn't go through friendship, and that when it comes to opposite sex friendship is actually a dead end.

Sorry I was unclear. I am talking about dynamics of people whom became romantic couples after a long period of friendship, not relationship advice in general.

The “friend zone” is just an excuse some men come up with for not wanting to admit that attraction wasn’t mutual. It’s really creepy to think that they deserve sex for stringing someone along with the false pretense of being a friend — would they ever use “dead end” to describe a same sex friendship which didn’t lead to sex?

And I think it's mildly insulting to be classified as a subpar male, a "male female friend". Worse, because she's not going to trust me as much as her proper female friends, she would always be on guard. Certainly damaging to the male ego. I don't cultivate such relationships unless I don't feel attracted to the woman in question. Think of the "disabled" "friend" of Mary from "There's Something About Mary".

> I don't cultivate such relationships unless I don't feel attracted to the woman in question.

This is certainly a common dynamic, with a lot of cultural reinforcement, but my point was simply that it's not the fault of the woman but rather the man who's trying to will something into existence and, in many cases, pretending to be something he's not.

And to answer the second part of your question, being bisexual(bi-curious) I wouldn't mind having sex with a male friend if he's in shape, and I would even propose if I lived in a less homophobic country. My same-sex attraction is much weaker though and I can control it, whereas with women it tends to be a slippery slope and gets stronger over time. The bottom line is being friends with a woman I actually desire is harmful to me in the long term. I've been there and not going to make that mistake again.

Ah, the "When Harry met Sally" question. "Can a man and a woman really be just friends?"

I mean, it's a valid question to ask, but "The red pill," as far as I can tell, is taking one side; that you can't really be just friends with someone you are really attracted to, and then building a worldview based on that answer. Which is fine, I guess, if everyone involved knows that is what is going on, but it's almost wholly unrelated to the "how do you make or maintain friendships?" question the article is trying to answer.

>I think what bonds people is shared adversity.

I disagree. Now this is all just experience, and could be totally different for someone who is not me, but the most brutal part of my life was high school. I think this might be true of most people in my income tax bracket? I know a few people from that time period, some of who really stood by me and were the closest to 'brothers in arms' that I will (hopefully) ever know.

but... I'm not really close with any of those people anymore. When we gained our ability to choose our peers, we all went our own ways, finding niches where we all felt best.

Part of this is that when things are at their worst? you are not at your best. Or, at least I wasn't at my best in high school. I was a real jerk, and I think you'd have to have christ-like instincts to go through experiences that hostile without being a jerk. Or, in any case, I wasn't good enough to remain "good" through the experience (though I do think I'm much less of a jerk now, in part because I have a life where people generally treat me well, and where treating others well is generally rewarded better than treating others poorly, and in part because it's been 20 years, and I've grown and matured and reflected.)

Fitting time for this article to be posted, as I'm mourning the loss of a great person, and my best friend.

What makes it twice as difficult is knowing that we've both put in so much work and effort in the friendship and it's extremely unlikely that anything like that will happen again in my lifetime (don't have nearly enough time as we did back in high school and college). Having someone on your intellectual level and at the same life progression as you to bounce ideas off of is incredibly valuable and anchoring.

If you have someone like this - please cherish them as best you can and understand how much they are making you better.

Sorry to hear about your loss.

Just to add that, although you’re right about time at college, it is possible to make very close friends afterwards. Make sure you remain open minded; I hope you make other lasting and meaningful relationships.

Insured by the book Brunch is Hell I’ve started a soup in game night for friends and should-be-friends forvthis very reason: create a platform where we can put in the time to build closer friendships.

Now i wish i hadn’t used my audible credit for the month. the sample is great

What's a soup in game night? You offer soup to your buds during games?

In the words of Samuel Johnson;

> "If a man does not make new acquaintance as he advances through life, he will soon find himself left alone. A man, Sir, should keep his friendship in constant repair."

I find the title, ironic, considering after one turns 21-22,(finishes university) suddenly everyone's lives are planned and time is scarce.

Totally different if you live in a major city with great transportation, much easier/more likely to see/bump into friends.

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