Comment by oarsinsync | Hacker News Reader

Comment by oarsinsync | Hacker News Reader

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This, a thousand times this.

I've often struggled in social situations, I've had problems with friends, and I've had friends simply laugh at me "Oh my god, you're so strange some times" and just take the piss out of me and the things I do / I've done.

Sometimes it hasn't mattered, other times it's really bugged me as I've not understood why I'm the one at fault / why I'm the weird one, and why it's not them that's weird for not thinking the way I do.

Getting informally diagnosed has helped heaps, and resulted in a lot of internal turmoil being significantly subdued. I'm a lot calmer and a lot more secure in my sense of self.

I still operate with a "mask" or "game face" in a range of social situations to avoid standing out like a sore thumb, but I no longer feel the need to ply myself with masses of alcohol to drown the inner turmoil, and I no longer fear the occasional inevitable moment where I'm going to put my foot in it, as I now have an easy narrative to jokingly explain my faux pas away ("oh my gosh, I can be so aspie sometimes, sorry!").

I also no longer obsess about events to try and better understand where things have gone wrong, again caused by wondering "what's wrong with me?" as I now understand that there's nothing wrong with me, I'm just wired a bit differently.

I don't feel the need to get a formal diagnosis, as I now feel like I finally understand myself. Ultimately, life just feels better now.

I'm curious about your "mask" statement. I have that same feeling, and experience with alcohol.

Do you ever imagine yourself to be a robot? Or do you memorize and rehearse things to say in social situations?

I often feel like I am operating a virtual machine at social gatherings. I tunnel in and give myself commands to operate like a normal human being, but I take absolutely no pleasure from the social interactions. I also get EXTREMELY tired, very quickly, even though I am able to function for a brief period at a fairly high level.

I don't think I actively think about it as rehearsing lines, but I tend to pick up "catch phrases" from friends very quickly and easily which influences the behaviour people see from me.

My "mask" is more me playing a character who doesn't have these issues, who understands social cues better and is able to respond in a more socially acceptable way. It's a logical step change in my mind, but ultimately a draining one. After too long, I just need to be left alone for a few hours to recharge.

I am constantly 'running a social simulator' in my mind. I was diagnosed as autistic a few years ago in my mid twenties.

one sim game i wouldn't play. and i'm german :) (we do love our sim games)

I find the cognitive load required for me to socialize "normally" to be extremely exhausting after a couple hours. I try to, like George Costanza from Seinfeld, go out on a high note. That is, leave social situations while they are still going well.

I'm not the OP, but I associate with everything they said, so here's my take if you're interested:

> I'm curious about your "mask" statement. I have that same feeling, and experience with alcohol.

Same, but I still drink a lot. It helps clear my mind. It's really apparent when two distinct groups of friends meet and the masks that I used for each set (which tend to be different) need to be reconciled. That can be uncomfortable.

> Do you ever imagine yourself to be a robot?

Oh hell yes, when I was younger (I'm nearly 40 now) especially. I desperately wanted to be a robot. Now, I mostly just love robots, and have built them (https://sendcat.com/dl/LcVKl5kWv6LJZEYusgVq9bLoieURiffZX7cKa...).

> Or do you memorize and rehearse things to say in social situations?

Kinda, but not in the "rehearsing a talk" sort of way. I do pick things that I've heard and apply them in other similar social situations though.

> I often feel like I am operating a virtual machine at social gatherings.

I've had that feeling, also that it feels like a game at times. Interestingly it feels like I'm creating a neural network of how what to do and say, but not the one in my brain, one of my own making.

> I tunnel in and give myself commands to operate like a normal human being, but I take absolutely no pleasure from the social interactions.

I think at this point playing the game has become almost transparent to me, it turns out I'm pretty good at it. I've developed a set of behaviours that work in most situations I find myself in (user groups (talks, the bar after), conferences, weddings, etc. etc.) and I do enjoy the friends I've made at the local Ruby and Go groups.

I do still have to force myself to do certain things though. Ask about people etc. Switch the conversation from what I want to talk about to them.

> I also get EXTREMELY tired, very quickly, even though I am able to function for a brief period at a fairly high level.

Social situations tire me too, though I can definitely manage full conference days or weeks of company meetup if I push myself. Towards the end I'll just spend hours by myself recharging, put on a smile and throw myself out there again.

It's tiring, but ultimately rewarding. I've made friends, I've had good jobs etc.

I also find it very helpful for intimate relationships. If strangers think I'm an oddball, well, no big deal, but sending wrong signals to my wife is a bigger issue that can be worked through with some mutual understanding.

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