Comment by evanrmurphy | Hacker News Reader

Comment by evanrmurphy | Hacker News Reader

Myth #2: It’s Better to Express Anger Than to Hold it in

I think this is less binary than the article suggests. In addition to expression and repression of anger, there is also "letting things go." When you can forget about something that made you mad, you get the satisfaction of knowing you didn't let it phase you (arguably better than catharsis) without all the problems associated with revenge and obsession.

I really like this paragraph from http://paulgraham.com/top.html:

Turning the other cheek turns out to have selfish advantages. Someone who does you an injury hurts you twice: first by the injury itself, and second by taking up your time afterward thinking about it. If you learn to ignore injuries you can at least avoid the second half. I've found I can to some extent avoid thinking about nasty things people have done to me by telling myself: this doesn't deserve space in my head. I'm always delighted to find I've forgotten the details of disputes, because that means I hadn't been thinking about them. My wife thinks I'm more forgiving than she is, but my motives are purely selfish.

[You probably won't believe me but] you misspelled faze http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/faze http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/phase

Ok, that did faze me.

Thanks though, you've saved me countless future misspellings of that word.

I've always wondered why the correct spelling of 'faze' seems to be gradually disappearing, considering that the right spelling is actually easier than the most common misspelling (phase).

For me, while I had often heard and used "faze" in conversation, I seldom saw it in writing. Early on my mind got comfortable with the bogus idea that it shared etymology with "phase", and so I assumed they were spelled the same.

I think it has to do with our tendency to overcorrect spelling rather than use the simpler ones (at least when the native speakers comment here). I believe it's exploited in etymology - i.e. even literally authors made errors in spelling but these are thought to come mostly from trying to be more correct than neccessary

Personally I find that if someone does something to me it can bother me for years. The worst part about this is that the person has likely long forgotten, so I'm the only one feeling discomfort over it.

My strategy now is to just express my discontent with the person as soon as possible. Then it doesn't bother me anymore because I stated my case. Paul's method might be better if you can pull it off.

I don't think I have ever heard anybody claim that repressing anger is good; just that it is better than expressing it. Letting things go is the best way to handle most strong emotions, even strong positive emotions can cause you difficulties if you act on them. But repressing anger is better than expressing it, because expressing it strengthens and reinforces both the feeling and the behaviors associated with expressing it.

Exactly this is the middle path of Zen and Buddhism is the path that is in the middle and above the dualistic notions of expression / repression or anger / joy....

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