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Four Minutes in the Morning

feld.com

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Brad also has a policy of answering his phone when his wife calls, no matter what. (He checked his phone mid-sentence when it rang while he was speaking at Google I/O). I think it's awesome that he has his priorities in life set out so clearly.

Clever policy, cuz it'll stop his wife from calling him unless it's actually important.

It's great that he places such a high priority on his relationship with his wife, but I'd say that answering no matter what is a bad idea. Being respectful of the people we deal with often requires us to give them distraction-free attention. And that can mean not answering the phone, no matter what.

I think the point is that he's decided his wife is more important than anyone else he deals with, no matter what. I for one respect that.

But it's kind of a fuck you to everyone else.

Just to everyone else who's less important.

So yes, everyone.

That's fine. Will you be by his side on his sick bed? Will his wife?

Whomever it is, I would think is more important.

Recently I went to Tokyo for some business, including a presentation. My brother is having a tough time at the moment. I told him to call me if he needed me. He asked if it wouldn't disrupt business.

I told him that I didn't care if I was in front of two hundred people and the Emperor: if he needs me, I will walk out, because he is my brother.

I do not feel that it is impolite to be very, very strict about keeping my commitments. Indeed, to the extent I successfully do so, that makes me a better person to do business with. And as an honest businessman, I'll tell you: there is no price, monetary or otherwise, at which I am willing to sell an SLA which trumps my family. If you require one, seek other providers.

I agree you did the right thing especially because you mentioned him having a bad time, but allways taking any call from a special person no matter what... Imagine if you are talking to a good friend who is having a hard time and are interrupted because your brothers calls to aks if you want to come the game next sunday?

I'm sure you are familiar with the idea that family members often don't know your schedule, so they can't/don't, say, decide not to call just to shoot the breeze in the middle of your presentation.

Do you handle this by letting every call from family interrupt whatever you're doing, however important? It's mostly impossible to determine the importance of a call before answering it in my experience.

I let them make the call (literally). I have a phone secretary (Twilio app). It parcels the day out into ...

and you just got bumped by Mom in the middle of this post...

times when I'm available, sleeping, and busy. If I'm available, it puts the caller through to my house or cell as appropriate. If I'm sleeping, it gently reminds them what time it is in Japan and asks if I should get woken up. If I am at work/etc, it tells them and asks if I should get taken out of whatever I'm doing.

v1.0 of this app was on my blog a long time ago. I've enhanced it a little bit over the last couple of months, but as a tech demo for the phenomenal life-enhancing power of Twilio it still works:

http://www.kalzumeus.com/2010/01/15/deploying-sinatra-on-ubu...

It's only a 'fuck you' if you truly believe that you deserve priority over my wife.

If I'm brokering a multi-billion pound deal with you to relieve hunger in half the third world and your wife is ringing to ask when the dogs appointment to be wormed is .. then yes.

It's not about priority. If someone stops talking to their partner to talk to their boss it's not because they love their boss more.

It's all about trusting that other people have decent understanding of whether or not an interruption is warranted.

I don't have the sort of wife who interrupts me during work hours or whilst on business trips with trivial things, so I can trust that if she initiated such a call she believes that I'll be glad I was interrupted. The question about the dog would most certainly arrive via email.

As to your other point, I worked with a lot of people over the years, and if I trusted their judgment then I picked up their calls whilst at home. If they had a track record of calling me with non-urgent items that would've been better dealt with at a later point in time, they went to voicemail which I listened to at my convenience.

So truly, if you're offended when I answer my wife's calls, that's your problem.

----

edit: real life addendum. When my wife's father died while I was on a business trip, she not only didn't call me, she tried to pretend nothing was wrong when we talked that night, because she felt it was more important that I be 100% on my game for the final day of my trip, than that she have my comfort a day early.

There are some people who are thoughtless about the impact they have on their partner's careers. My wife is not one of them.

If she called me during your utterly ridiculous hypothetical scenario, it would be because of something equally ridiculous. Perhaps she found out you're a hitman.

So again... if you're bothered by my wife calling you, that's your problem. Deal with it.

>Perhaps she found out you're a hitman.

It was the moustache wasn't it .. can't believe she saw through it.

Another person being more important is not a "fuck you".

Reminds me of the time I phoned my wife about something unimportant and she'd forgotten to put her phone on silent.

She was in court, taking evidence from a witness. The judge didn't take it too badly - but it was quite embarrassing for her!

Of course people value their partners - but always taking a call no matter what. That sounds plain silly (and possibly rather rude) to me.

Agree. My wife and I have a protocol worked out. I can ignore any call if I need to. If it's an emergency, she will call again immediately, and that means I'd better answer it.

Exactly, in the age of cell phones with caller ID this is simple to solve.

We have a similar situation worked out during work hours. If it is unimportant, text. If it is slightly more important, call. If it is an emergency call and leave a voicemail. If I have a voicemail or two calls in a row I'm leaving wherever I am no matter what. If I have a missed call I'm calling back when its done and nobody in the room is any wiser that I wasn't 100% focused on them.

Nothing works for everyone and every situation. If you were a brain surgeon, for example, you'd truly be in a situation where you couldn't drop everything to take a call, not matter how important. Your example of your wife is also a good one. But most of us don't have that kind of circumstance. Most people could prioritize thier families above everyone else, but choose not to.

For myself, I'm not a lawyer or a surgeon, just an IT guy, but I'm proud to say I have walked out of meetings to answer a call from my wife.

I can think of a lot of occupation where complete availability during work hours wouldn't be appropriate: police, ambulance, armed forces, serving staff in shops or restaurants, industrial plant operators, pilots, train drivers....

Not that these folks are going to have some times when direct incoming personal calls will be OK - but all the time, no way!

When I was in my last year of school and attending a bunch of recruiting events there was one CEO from a mid-sized consultancy who impressed us all by taking a call from his wife in the middle of his presentation in front of couple hundred students. He'd get the whole group to say hi to her and then said he'd phone her back, hang up, and continue with his presentation. Gave a good sense for the work/life balance.

Of course, we then heard that every term he gives that recruiting talk and every time his wife calls right in the middle...

I kind of became enamoured with his evil genius ways.

  I kind of became enamoured with his evil genius ways.

I think I would not. Screw manipulators.

You have no reason to suppose he was being manipulative. You'll be happier thinking good things about people, instead of second-guessing everything they do.

>>Of course, we then heard that every term he gives that recruiting talk and every time his wife calls right in the middle...

>You have no reason to suppose he was being manipulative.

Did you miss that bit?

No, but I rather believe he honestly feels such a thing should be possible and wished to demonstrate that such a thing was acceptable to him. The folks that didn't find out it was set up, may live happier lives because of that demonstration.

I'm hopeless at manipulation, but I know people who are really good at it. And like any skill one develops, one has a certain admiration for people who are good at it.

Example: a friend was with his 10-year-old sister in a supermarket. He's in college. She wants junk food. He says, "No, we're having dinner soon." She starts screaming and pretending he's her father and doesn't ever give her or her mother any money. Everyone looks at him. He's like, OK, here's your junk food.

And it was a good decision to manipulate him like this, because he ended up loving her more for it.

I understand and respect your disdain for premeditated deception, but as an observation I'd like to point out that as a person, you are ALWAYS manipulating whether or not you are aware of it.

OK, that explains why I am always screwed! :-)

Wasn't it Rudolph Giuliani who did that multiple times during the 2008 presidential campaign?

Doing this as a gimmick doesn't work for me.

I know Brad and I've honestly never met anyone more in love with a significant other than he is (and visa versa). I would strongly recommend taking any and all of his relationship advice (and finding the perfect mate for you also helps :-). I am going to start this ritual tomorrow.

You may need to convince your significant other for that though.

I don't think I understand. Is this the only time he spends with his wife? My S.O. gets upset if I don't spend at least an hour or two of quality time with them per day, let alone four minutes in the morning! If the only time we actually talked throughout the day to discuss our lives and problems was for a few minutes, I believe I'd find myself single. Am I in a weird relationship or something?

I think it's more that they have a bare minimum that they spend with each other, and only each other, with no exceptions. Too many couples spend hours together, but watching TV, or cooking, or any numerous other activities that distract them from just enjoying being with each other.

I'd argue that watching TV together and cooking together are entirely different things. Passively watching TV and never talking is awful. Cooking together should involve interacting, talking, asking questions, conversation, etc.

I think it's not necessarily the only time he spends with his wife, except when he's travelling. I think the key words here are "morning" and "100% focused on each other".

There's no way I'm 100% focussed on anything in the morning.

It's about having a special moment with your partner, a moment that's devoted to nothing but each other.

I just hang up on my gf who is, literally, in the other side of the world (i'm in seoul, she is in costa rica) and were discussing the same stuff.

we work together, at the distance, she spent the first 7 months of this year here with me and now we have a few months aside... and quality time, distraction-free, thru skype makes wonders and is needed no matter what.

when were together here we'd go to momments of solitud where we'd focus on each other, this not only made us relax and forget about all the project's stuff it nurtured our relationship.

I don't know if Brad's policy of answering the phone is wrong or good, but seriously guys work is just a mean to be happy... been with ur SO is been happy.

I think us as entrepreneurs will tend to let ourselves go with all the crazy stuff that goes on launching a project or staying ahead of the google's, apple's and facebook's stilling our thunder... but we cannot let all that take our life just as well.

nice post and thanks for sharing!

>I just hang up on my gf who is, literally, in the other side of the world (i'm in seoul, she is in costa rica) and were discussing the same stuff.

Hope you finished the conversation first. ;0)

Similar to his talk at TEDxBoulder, CO some weeks back (which I attended): Quarterly Week off the Grid. One solid week away with his wife: no cell, laptop, etc. http://www.feld.com/wp/archives/2009/03/the-rhythms-of-life.... http://boulderreporter.com/tedxboulder-lets-hear-it-for-the-...

Good prioritizing in a routine, but the argument becomes..is "4 minutes" (4, 15, 1hr) / 1 week a quarter adequate? How about daily several hours with the people you love? Her opinion?

I think it's understood that by these rules you ensure the minimal time spent with the important people. Neither the 4 minutes a day, nor the 1 week a quarter are adequate, they just build the low threshhold in stressful times.

Thanks for sharing this. As entrepreneurs we (especially myself) tend to forget about the importance of the support we receive from our partners. But, life just isn't quite complete without spending quality time with our "other half". Four minutes a morning is definitely worth the effort!

Your spouse is (should be) your anchor, your foundation, your one trusted person in the world. You get to have a special relationship with that person. You get to give it priority over everything else, unconditionally.

Other people, if they're wise, know this and make accomodation for it.

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