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Some terrible personal news

mattcutts.com

1,018 pointsrpledge220 comments

I lost my wife suddenly in 2009, she was 34.

Losing your significant other is something that you never get over - you live with the emptiness and the hurt, and you learn to move on and hope that the "fog" eventually lifts. It's something that only someone else who has been through the same experience will understand. I was lucky to meet a friend who had lost her husband a couple years before, and she helped me through the hardest times.

Matt, if you ever read these comments, all my thoughts and condolences for you. I know "thoughts and prayers" does nothing, but a lot more people care than you realize.

Hang in there.

>I’m unmanned and unmoored without her

I found that quite cutting. I'm not sure I could go on if my wife died prematurely. My mind has turned to this on occassions when people close to me have suffered severe illness or died, and I just can't see in my minds eye how I could cope.

May I ask absolutely sincerely: how differently do you feel about the scenario of your wife suddenly leaving you?

Dude.

This thread is about loss. What I referred to can be an extremely acute form of loss. There may be people in this thread struggling to deal with the form of loss I referred to.

I agree it's important. Divorcees don't get smothered with caring like widow(er)s do despite how devastating it can be. Perhaps worse because not only have you lost them but they're also telling you you're not wanted.

No need for a hypothetical scenario in my case. It sucks, greatly, but I imagine pales in comparison to having a loving wife suddenly die.

When you have a divorce, separation, etc - the person is still there, still alive, around, may or may not communicate with you, etc. You can know that they're OK, even if they had to find happiness with someone else or whatever happened.

I was working late to make up some time and had headphones on. Wife told me "I'm gonna go soak in the tub and go to bed, see you in a bit." A couple hours later I finished what I was doing and headed towards the bedroom. I noticed the bathroom light was still on, and found her. Apparent heart attack and she drowned in the bathtub, and she'd been gone a while by the time I found her. Sudden wrenching loss. No opportunity to make up for fights. No goodbye. Just.. gone.

Anyway. This isn't about me. This is about the community helping Matt, in whatever way we can.

You wouldn't be the first if you couldn't go on.

A close family friend took his own life shortly after his wife died of cancer. After over 25 years of living together, I guess it was just too much for him to continue without her.

I was too young at the time to understand and to be honest I'm still too young to understand.

Broken heart syndrome is real, elderly couples have been know to pass within fairly short time frames of each other even if all medical indications show they very well could have survived longer. Losing the one person you have shared so much of your life with, likely raised children together with and confided in is something I cannot even comprehend.

I’m going to put down HN now and play Minecraft with my wife or something, because now I feel like I’m squandering my time with her.

I have long felt that death certificates are done completely wrong. Instead of just listing the proximate medical cause, they should list the true cause: he died of loneliness; he died of a broken heart; he died because he was homeless and couldn't find his way to the help he needed.

When those are the causes of death that we start to track, perhaps the world will become a better place.

The farther you get from the proximate medical cause, the more supposition and speculation is involved.

True, but his point about missing information that could lead to the root cause is very valid. In some cases addressing the root cause is the only way to really prevent death.

The root cause of death is life.

The root cause of everything is the laws of physics and, to the extent it is a separate issue, the initial state of the universe.

Or, from a different epistemological viewpoint, the root cause of everything is God’s will.

Ascribing importance to intermediate causes is highly subjective, even assuming they can be reliably determined.

> The root cause of everything is the laws of physics and, to the extent it is a separate issue, the initial state of the universe.

Only if you think that the laws of physics are deterministic, I guess.

assumes there is a singular root cause. "he died lonely of a broken heart?" but why was he lonely? "he died because in his entire life he failed to develop relationships with people" or "he died of loneliness because he was a terrible human being" etc.

and "he died of being homeless"? why was he homeless? because society was so cruel and uncaring? sure, he had nothing to do with it himself.

the other comment is right, this path inevitably leads to judgment and speculation.

But that's not medically true? The proximate medical cause has to be valid and complete, otherwise what is the point in listing it? A death certificate provides full information as to why someone died for the relatives and for the state. This provides them with an explanation of how and why their relative died. It also gives them a permanent record of information about their family medical history, which may be important for their own health and that of future generations.

The point here is that the proximate medical cause isn’t actually the complete cause. While medical records are useful, they don’t explain the circumstances that led to someone’s death, and are therefore heavily missing information in many cases. The person who died of pneumonia because they couldn’t afford to go to hospital - all that gets listed on their certificate is that they died of pneumonia, and so we’re lacking in information that might be just as useful (or more) as that a person died of pneumonia.

If we actually understood that people literally died of not having enough money, or of lack of willpower to deal with a bureaucracy, or of homelessness, or of their mental state, there’s every chance that something might change.

That's all true, but are not the job of the death certificate or the responsibility of a doctor. It has to be as objective as possible, not a matter of interpretation, that would be an appropriate role for an inquest.

Only because we have defined the role of a death certificate as containing the immediate medical cause of death. You’re arguing that something should be the way it is because that’s the way it is.

But that's the only practical thing it could be. Suppose you shoot yourself in the head. What's the doctor supposed to put down as the cause of death? All he knows is that a bullet destroyed part of your brain. He doesn't know if you were depressed. Hell, he doesn't even know if it was intentional. Was it the girlfriend that left you last month, or that promotion you thought you were going to get that went to someone else?

What do you put down for a drug overdose? Was he chasing the next good time or escaping the pain of being molested as a child?

I think that the death certificate should either just say "yep, this person's dead", or it should list the actual reasons how and why a person died. In most cases, hopefully that'll be "this person lived out their life, and this happened to be the end of it", and that'll be self-evident because the person died of natural causes and received appropriate treatment for any illness at the appropriate stages. In others, it might require investigation. Whether it's a doctor's job to do that or a multidisciplinary team's is irrelevant to the question of what it should contain.

So either:

Doctors would also be responsible for performing inquests into non-medical circumstances of a death, for which they are not trained and don't have any powers to gather evidence or take statements. I can't see that being popular with doctors.

Doctor would not be able to sign a death certificate until a Judge had completed an inquest into the non-medical circumstances. In which case the Judge would have to do so without the benefit of a medical certification as to the medical cause of death, which would have to remain open until the end of the inquest. In which case, I don't see how the inquest can reasonable be completed without a certification as to the medical facts, which is all a death certificate is.

Neither of those make any sense, so I'm sure those aren't what you are suggesting. How do you see this working?

> The point here is that the proximate medical cause isn’t actually the complete cause.

I understand the spirit of this, but it's entirely subjective and way too open for interpretation.

I think by and large people do understand these things contribute to illness & death, they are just able to separate themselves from that reality on a day-to-day basis.

> If we actually understood that people literally died of not having enough money, or of lack of willpower to deal with a bureaucracy, or of homelessness, or of their mental state, there’s every chance that something might change.

if you actually understood the implications of following your logic, please take a moment to explain:

why do people not have enough money?

do some people waste away whatever time and money they have?

do some people fail to develop any marketable skills?

are some people just incapable of rendering valuable labor or service to anyone?

what percentage of those without money fit into that hopeless category?

what should be done about those people?

why does money exist in the first place?

how do we ensure that everybody will "have enough money"?

why do people lack willpower?

why do bureaucracies exist and what is the alternative?

why does homelessness exist?

do people in dire straits often reject help?

do people in dire straits often make things worse for themselves?

how do we force people to stop doing that?

why do people have differing mental states?

that's just for a start. then answer those questions in context of each individual life and death. but that won't be necessary if one thinks that all homeless are just "the homeless", or that all poor people are just "the poor".

but that would be oversimplification and "heavily missing information" in many cases, don't you think?

while a death cause graph database might be an interesting research tool, the big glaring problem in death certificates is mislabeled death ultimately caused by medical error. When a patient dies via a heart failure because they were given the wrong medication what is written on the death certificate isn't medical error its died due to heart failure. research funding is based around these statistics. Causes of death one of which is medical error doesn't rise as close to the top as it should.

http://freakonomics.com/podcast/bad-medicine-part-3-death-di...

> But that's not medically true?

Don't be afraid to let a little poetry into your life.

Going by the score on the parent comment, I must be the only one that assumed andrewbinstock was just trying to express a heartfelt thought.

I was indeed.

no thanks, when you go would you really want your last statement of who you were to be created by some random medical practitioner who decides on your behalf that the sum of your life was "he died a sad lonely man".

> he died because he was homeless and couldn't find his way to the help he needed.

taking your approach, you'd also have to allow at least some of those death certificates to list cause of death as: "he died because he was homeless, and he was homeless because he was a drunkard and an addict who was horrible to his family and most everyone he dealt with."

or is the intent to permit maudlin sentiments only?

Perhaps you are interpreting the parent comment a little too literally.

One thing that sucks about having a significant other die - having to keep piles of certified copies of the death cert handy, to send to various orgs / companies / etc to cancel things, shut off services, and so forth. I ran across a folder full of them a few months ago and it ruined the rest of my day.

When I called to have my late wife removed from my insurance at work, the lady who changed it messed up and removed her effective the day before she passed away - so all sorts of insurance claims started bouncing back "not covered". It took me a year and a half to get in touch with someone at the insurance company who said "oh my. you poor dear. let me fix this" and she had it corrected in less than five minutes.. but for that 18 months I had to deal with almost-monthly bills coming in with her name on them...

Im curious how would they know all medical indication show they could have survived longer. I mean I see few movies with this underline story but do we really have some solid proof?

this is true. Take 10 million couples and maybe 1 in 10 million, this happens, and this is what we hear in the news.

We never hear about the wife that lives 10 more years after their 85+ year old husband dies.

I’ve thought the same thing about stories of South Korean gamers dying from marathon gaming sessions.

If a millions people have marathon gaming sessions day in and day out, doesn’t it only make sense that one of them will die in their chair once in awhile? Was gaming really the cause?

Those cases are often Deep Vein Thrombosis[1] caused by not moving around enough.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deep_vein_thrombosis

Problem is, I cannot take a single person and perform such test yet 10 million thats why I was looking for some solid stats or research/paper.

Maybe you don't hear. My grandparents were together since about 16 and my grandmother passed away 12 years ago. And I never seen couple more in love, including my grandma having tatoo of his name on her chest, something unheard of and frown upon back in the days. And my grandfather is turning 94 this summer.

Should be relatively easy to crunch those numbers - is there a significant reduced life expectancy for surviving widows/widowers?

I'd be surprised if this hasn't been tested.

For the longest time (and well, still to this day) I hated coming home to an empty house. I wanted human companionship - a hug, someone to care, someone to ask how my day went.

I had two cats, but they've since passed, and even before that it wasn't the same.

It's been almost ten years, and there's not a few days that go by without me thinking that nobody would miss me if I decided to join her.

It's tough. But life has to go on. My wife of forty years died of cancer last August after two years of treatment. Even though we both knew it would happen sometime we were neither of us prepared for it when it happened. Six months later 'I’m unmanned and unmoored without her' as the other commenter said. Half my memory is gone, I have no one to whom I can make all those scurrilous comments about friends and relations. No one's hand to hold while going for a walk. No one to hold and to touch.

But I have other people who rely on me, my children, my sister, the company I work for. So even though I am in tears as I write this, I know that I have to cope, I have to find a way to be.

It's going to take a while.

It took me about two years before the "fog" lifted and I started to feel again. Before I was doing anything other than going to work like an automation just to pay bills.

I lost my mom in 2001. One week after 9/11. I was 6.

I often wonder if I would have been a better person if she was there.

Is it too late to become what she would have wanted? I don't mean to be glib, but you were a young kid then and (presumably) you're not anymore. Could you recreate her in your mind and allow her to influence you to become the person you would have been?

I'm a father, and I used to worry about what might happen to my young kids if I died. It would be a great comfort to me to imagine them, after they got older, making an effort to interview people who knew me, asking about what I was interested in, what mattered to me, what I used to talk about, how I talked, how serious/happy/neurotic/patient/stingy/grouchy/etc. I was. With this model, they could imagine conversations with me, discuss things with me, try not to disappoint me, etc.

Fortunately--for me, anyway--my kids are old enough now that they will never get my voice out of their heads, even if I get hit by a bus tomorrow (and even if they are driving the bus!) It's too late for them.

How about you? If you seriously think she might have made you a better person, why not help her by giving her a second chance?

A person recreated from memory is still a fake, no matter how accurate you and your memory are.

And most people do boot have the skill to do a full character model at the age of 6. It takes special talent nature to do that even when old. That is even ignoring the fact that people change and adapt over time in hard to predict ways.

So this thought exercise is actually protecting your own wishes through the light of some imagined model of a person. Might as well use Tarot cards instead.

You are right, it is a mind game, IMO just not as far fetched as you paint it.

I think what GP is aiming at is this: If you think you are a worse person (whatever that means) than you could be, be it from your or any other persons' perspective, is it too late to change?

Or put differently: Years after someones death, the picture of what one could be, is a mind-game already. From here to picturing what you/your mind would like to change is not that much of a stretch.

And most people do boot have the skill to do a full character model at the age of 6.

The poster said he was 6 in 2001. It's no longer 2001, and he's no longer 6. I told him he couldn't have done it back then but it might be worth trying now.

> I often wonder if I would have been a better person if she was there.

In general, your parents might be responsible for what you are when you turn 18, but every step you do afterwards is your responsibility. I know people who are over 50 and still make their parents responsible for the bad things in their life, ignoring the 30 years they had to fix the problems of their past.

So yes, it might be a bad start to loose your mother that early, but if you think you could do better (by your own standards): You are the only person who has the authority and power to change yourself.

Sorry, this might sound a little tough given the overall topic, but I think it is is very important to realize this early in life.

While I agree with you, if someone would have said the opposite - that they are where they are because of the support and guidance of their parents even when they were just getting started as an adult, few people would bat an eye.

I can say I am where I am because of all of my hard work. But I know that isn't entirely true. It would have been much harder for me to move out of the small town I grew up in and where I went to college, to the city where I live with much better opportunities making far too little to support myself in the beginning without their support. I can draw a pretty straight line from my first low paying job as a computer operator that didn't pay enough to make it to where I am today 20 years later.

If it weren't for them, I probably would have gotten a job that paid more then working on mainframes but without the growth opportunities in a small town.

I know the slightest glimse of death later last year when my parents came to visit me in the US. We had a great time, but I know they're living on borrowed time. I just hope I could do more for them. I am 30 now and my mind still can't make peace with that.

You're a strong person.

It's a thing that taints life with a glow of absurdity. I hope your (and matt's) scar will shrink a bit, even though this is the kind of scar you don't want to heal at the same time.

I know "thoughts and prayers" does nothing

For what it's worth Matt, you have mine.

My wife passed away in her sleep in 2016. It was unexpected. I woke up like it was any other day and then it wasn't. I never imagined something like that would happen. Learning how to carry on without my partner and my best friend has made these past two years the most challenging of my life.

In this time, I've learned a few things about grief. That it affects everyone differently. That there's no right or wrong way to grieve. Some of us feel guilt, anger, sadness, depression, or numbness... or all of the above.

I also discovered that my wife's passing and my grief made other people feel uncomfortable. I sensed it was hard for folks to know what to say or do. And that's ok—there isn't much you can say or do that will change things for those closest to loss.

But, speaking for myself, it does mean a lot when someone reaches out and shares their thoughts. In my experience, the best things to say are to acknowledge the hurt and to share how you feel. Avoid trying to make sense of it (you can't) or that things will get better (you don't know). If you're able, say the person's name. If you knew the person, tell your grieving friend how much she meant to you.

Matt, I didn't know your wife, Cindy, but I met you once and recall being struck by how smart, genuine, and kind you were, aside from all the great work you've done to help me learn about SEO. From what you've shared about Cindy, I can tell she is an amazing person, that she is loved, and that she is missed dearly. My heart goes out to you and your family.

My wife also passed away unexpectedly in her sleep in 2016.

My heart aches for Matt. I don't know him or his wife, but I know the feeling of being unmoored. In fact I've used that same word to describe it.

I agree that people never know how to act about the situation. It's weird now to think of all of the people I have met who only know me as a widower, who never knew me when my wife was alive.

I appreciated the outpouring of support I received in the immediate aftermath. It was overwhelming, but not unwelcome.

Matt is my boss. He is the kindest and best leader I've ever had the pleasure of working with. Cindy, his wife, was a jewel. My heart hurts so much for him.

Give him a big hug for everyone.

You are lucky to work for/with Matt. I've never met him, but traded a few emails whilst he was at Google and he was always kind and helpful.

I can't imagine how he must feel. I very much hope he is doing ok.

For those wondering who Matt is, he’s a fifteen plus year Googler, ex head of Safe Search and web anti-spam, now acting director of the US Digital Service.

Wow. Fifteen years in a single company.

Is that....weird? My coworker has worked here for 25 years now, and he's still "just" a programmer, was never interested in taking a managerial/lead position. There's plenty of programmers who have 10~20 years of seniority here. And it's a games company, so it's not like these people work on some archaic systems - major, triple A releases everyone heard about.

Yes, because it's common knowledge to change companies every ~3 years to get a 20%+ salary increase instead of a miserly 0-10%.

When you make enough, making more money means less to you and you care much more about the workplace, the people, the mission.

Either that, or find a company that does raises in line with what you’d get from moving. Netflix is famous for this (and has high retention), but there are other companies. The company I work for has a similar approach and I know I’m unlikely to make more at another company unless I move into finance, in which case see above.

How do you plan to move into finance?

I think where he said "see above" he was indicating he had no desire to go into finance due to "the workplace, the people, the mission"

> Netflix is famous for this (and has high retention)

Netflix has high turnover, about 15-20% depending on source.

Everything I have heard has been anecdotal and contradicts this. Do you happen to _have_ the source for your information? I admit I don't for mine.

Sure. Netflix's Chief Product Officer, Neil Hunt, has provided the 15% statistic directly in interviews. There are a few places you can find him saying this, but the first one I found by searching was this: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/netflix-redefined-american-co.... Other estimates (typically by employees self-reporting) put it at about 20%. Keep in mind about half of those are involuntary departures. Personally, I think that involuntary departures are a meaningful measure when we're talking about employee retention, but there are reasonable arguments to the contrary. More pertinently, Netflix's culture is somewhat unique among tech companies of its size in that it fires very quickly.

Contributing my own anecdata here: I am familiar with current and past employees at Netflix who have told me personally that plenty of people are fired from Netflix because they don't jive with the culture, not necessarily because they are incompetent. That's not intended to be a remark about Netflix being a toxic company; on the contrary, I think Netflix is pretty self-aware about its "corporate values." But that means that engineers who could succeed at Google, Facebook, etc might not succeed at Netflix because the latter looks for a lot of self-direction and career ambition, not just competence.

Circling back to the point: I've seen some people slice off involuntary termination numbers when discussing attrition at tech companies, but I don't think that's appropriate. Sometimes people leave because they're intellectually or financially unsatisfied, and that would mostly comprise the ~7.5-10% that leave voluntarily. But if the bar for being fired is lower, it's probably useful to incorporate the involuntary departures, because there's an argument many of them would leave voluntarily even if not fired due to a culture mismatch.

In western Europe, you do this couple of times (not as external consultant of course, but as perm employee), and you get semi-permanently branded as unreliable and unstable. For good reasons. I can see reasoning for this and it makes sense to me (i did it couple of times myself when younger, wouldn't' do that now). In growing economies, or where there isn't enough experienced IT people this isn't valid though.

From my own experience:

- If someone stays less than 2 years with a company something is wrong (the person, the company or the combination).

- If someone stays longer than 4 years with a company in the same job, without promotion, that person is probably not the 'manager' type.

Both situations just give you hints on whether someone matches the profile you are searching for, but switching companies after 3-4 years seems to be reasonable for people who want to get the most out of their salaries. Nevertheless, if someone got all his 'promotions' by switching jobs you should be wary of course.

3 to 4 years is a good amount of time to switch, but I think 5 to 6 is probably better, it you have a good fit with a company. 5 to 6 years is the normal amount of time to 100% vest company 401k contributions, and any stock options. Leaving early can be a lot of money on the table.

I've seen a pretty wide spread of vesting schedules.

It's my understanding that in a lot of tech hub cities the average tenure at a company is only like two years.

Quality of life is much more important than pay past a certain point.

Doesn't that become difficult after a while? I'm gradually finding fewer places are even able to match what I'm making, let alone give me a 20% raise.

Yes. Definitely.

I spent 9 years at one company - 7 years longer than I should have. After a 10K raise the first year and with 3% raises after that and bonuses slowly being cut, I only made $7K more in 2008 than I did in 2002. After that, I started aggressively job hopping - 4 jobs - and learning and over the next 10 years, I made over 60K more.

Now, I am looking to see what technology I should jump on and best case, I might be able to get $10K more over the next two years. I'm actually okay with that, I live a comfortable lifestyle.

I don't want to go into management and I want to stay hands on. My current position as a dev lead as about as high as I want to go and I would be fine being a strict individual contributor.

Yeah, precisely. It seems like "the next level" gets a lot more like management and involves less writing code and I don't know that that is really for me.

When you job hopped - did you wait for projects to be complete before you left to a new job? Did you have to ship?

I'm in a conundrum whether to leave or not because the project hasn't shipped.

Don't worry about that. There's never a good time to leave and you'll always feel like you're leaving at a critical time.

Wow.. this cleared a lot of anxiety for moiye.

Glad to hear it. Don't hamstring yourself out of a misplaced sense of obligation.

Would your company be in a conundrum to let you go because you had a mortgage to pay?

At my company anyone here less than 10 years is a newbie. You're not an old timer until you reach 30 years, and a few grandees make it to 50.

It's a big old company though (one of the oldest in the field), and this is in broadcast engineering which is far more conservative. IME Peoppe in the Internet facing parts are far more flitty.

While some older engineers are happy to retreat into comfortably old technologies like cameras and microphones, there's plenty more who havve spent the time to learn about the trend towards IP. They are very valuable, in contrast to say a "generic" network engineer, because they understand the domain, they fundamentally know a 20ms outage on a network is catastrophic.

My father is a network engineer, and has more or less been working in the same company for over 30 years now. He started as a radio technician out of high school, and transitioned into internet networking in the early 90's.

Technically, he's worked for several different companies. For a while he was working for a different company, but doing exactly the same work, with the same people, in the same building.

I don't think it will be easy to replace network engineers like him, who have been doing the job literally as long as the consumer internet has existed.

I would say it’s unusual. Most places I’ve worked, it was more or less a bimodal distribution: lots and lots of people with tenures of less than 5 years, a bunch execs and highly paid in-crowd folks who were there for 15+ years, and a vast emptiness of people with 5-15 years in company.

I think a lot of people leave as soon as their stock vests (3-4 years) and it’s obvious they are not on an upward track. And the few who got on to the upward tracks are set for life and have no incentive to leave ever. There’s no middle ground.

July will mark 34 years at the same company. It's been an interesting ride. When I started, what little computing we did was on a shared mainframe, miles away, or on old Wang word processors. We had one IBM PC, acquired without permission, in a closet. (I don't miss 8-inch floppy disks.) The introduction of PCs, installing networks, developing our own systems, etc. I've been part of it all. I've always had the flexibiity to try something new. I almost became management a couple of years ago; but, I'm glad to just be a senior engineer.

I have a friend who's been a programmer at Apple for 30 years.

I know about Chris Espinosa (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Espinosa). I didn't think anyone else had been their 30+ years.

Many, actually. It was quite common to run into 30+ year folks at all levels, including EPM (I know of four off the top of my head).

That says a lot. I would have jumped ship around 1995-1997. Things were bleak for Apple and everything they shipped software wise was buggy, behind the times,

In 1994. Apple was on top of the world. They were the number one or number two computer seller and the PPC Macs were introduce and then Windows 95 happened.

Well, Chris has been there for even longer.

To be a single-digit employee, you had to start in the 70s -- i.e., 40 years ago. My friend -- I don't think it'd be appropriate to name him -- has "only" been there 30, which means he joined a healthy-sized Apple already 10 years into its life.

An old girlfriend/still friend of mine started as a temp with Apple in 1998, became a permanent employee, and is still there. And another friend just moved on from Cisco after 20 years.

It happens.

Twenty years here. I've gotten married, bought my first place, had a child. The manager who hired me is still here, along with many others.

We've lost some coworkers, always seemingly too soon. I've been to a couple of wakes, one for a coworker's wife.

I don't want to say we're like family, but we look out for each other. The year before the company rolled out 2.5x salary life insurance, someone started a crowdfunding campaign after a coworker's sudden death that raised over $50K in one day.

I know I've been here too long, but I'll miss it. I grew up here.

It's not as uncommon as HN makes you believe these days. I've been at a place for 11 years, moving to new projects every few years, gotten large pay raises over the years to keep ahead of market. It's possible, and it's kinda great to be honest.

Where do you work?

Matt was a colleague in Google's early days. He embodied all of the best qualities of the organization. He can do anything he wants to, but he chooses to spend his time improving Google's search experience, and freely giving of his wisdom and expertise through his blog. If there was ever a person who did not deserve this, it's Matt.

And when he decided to move on, he went into public service in the U.S. Digital Service. I really admire Matt.

I was having a lousy day, and so was my wife. I realized i was focused on some stupid work problem and not her. I dropped what I was doing and we just spent a few hours of quality time just talking and connecting and encouraging each other. It was the best decision I've made all day. After reading this I realize how much better a decision it was to spend time with my loved one.

I'm really sorry to hear this news.

I am a 31 year old man, drinking in a bar, alone, weeping as I read this story. My heart goes out to you and your family. I’m so sorry.

Hope you are okay friend.

Hope you're doing alright dude, sending a virtual hug from Australia.

Hang in there bud. Things always change.

My wife of one year is asleep behind me. She always sleeps in here to be nearby because I love staying up late. Going to go sidle up to her. Sorry for your loss. Thanks for the perspective.

Matt - if you see this I'm terribly sorry for your loss. I just married my best friend in December and I'd be so lost without her. I can't imagine how you're feeling. I don't know what else to say besides that I'm sending you love and support from across the net. Stay strong my friend, your blog has powered many of my adventures into SEO and beyond.

Matt, I still remember being a young webmaster watching your YouTube videos, almost immediately whenever you'd release one. I remember joking about how you never changed your shirts, then you put out a video saying that you film several weeks of questions in one sitting and that you were going to change shirts between questions from then on. I always thought that was really cool of you to be that receptive and open to the community, always reading the comments and being what seemed like the only source of truth in Google during a time of hidden updates and obscure policies. You've given so much to everyone, I can only imagine how much you must have given eachother.

If there's anything the community can do to help, please don't hesitate, you've helped us all in ways small and large.

Stay strong, she lives on in you and everyone else she touched - continue to treat her good by taking care of yourself and everyone else she is a part of.

After reading the very small amount of information provided about the reason for her passing, I can't help but be curious about the exact reason. Sometimes it's comforting to know that something was a freak accident, versus something preventable. Does anyone know what might have happened in this case?

I certainly hope this isn't perceived as being insensitive. I can't imagine the pain he's going through, and I truly do hope he finds some amount of comfort or normalcy in this unimaginably painful time.

Given her age, recent travel, and progression of symptoms, it seems very likely it was an acute pulmonary embolism.

What does travel have to do with it?

Perhaps long periods of sitting on a flight?

If you suspect this is happening to you (all of the sudden you can't really breathe), is there anything you can even do? Or just hope it's not bad enough to be fatal?

Go to a doctor right away. There are anticoagulants which can dissolve blood clots and/or ways of physically preventing the clot from reaching the lungs.

Also an ounce of prevention: avoid extended sitting; exercise regularly.

https://www.webmd.com/lung/tc/pulmonary-embolism-treatment-o...

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/deep-vein-thr...

If you experience sudden shortness of breath, call 911 (or whatever your local emergency services number is).

Taking aspirin might help, although there is no published evidence:

http://emj.bmj.com/content/22/5/365

This conversation is inappropriate.

It's not inappropriate. Many of us would like to avoid this happening to our loved ones if at all possible.

Bro, this will take a long time. Be gentle with yourself. It is the club no one wants to be a member of. I wish you peace and comfort. ~ A 4 year widower of a 37 year old bright light in the world extinguished decades too soon

It does indeed take a long time. One thing I would add though is not to rush, let it take as much time it takes. Its not that things become fine after that time has been spent. One merely becomes more functional. One doesn't have to fight the "why did I even wake up today ?" everyday.

I'm so sorry for this loss. Matt spoke at UNC my freshman year, and his talk confirmed my itch to pursue computer science as a career.

So Matt, thanks for the influence you've had on my life, and I owe thanks to Cindy, too.

That's really helpful to hear. Thanks very much, and I hope computer science serves you well.

Matt and I both come from the same rural / impoverished area in Kentucky and we both studied CS under the same professors. I have looked up to him for years as a role model. Im very sorry to hear of your loss, Matt.

I got married last year. Before I met my wife, I wasn't sure what I was doing with my life. For a time, I was fairly depressed about lots of mistakes I had made. I wasn't sure I had anyone who could understand me or help me. My brother introduced me to my wife and we hit it off. My wife gave me emotional stability and motivation to do things. The few times we've had fights, I cry when I hurt her. She is everything to me. If I lost her, I might be even worse off than before I met her. Maybe I'd be able to remember everything she says and move forward with strength in my eyes. Maybe.

I feel for Matt and anyone else who has to endure a loss.

Please go and see a Psychologist.

This crosses into personal attack, which is not allowed here and which we ban accounts for. It was also particularly tasteless to post that here. Would you please read https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html and not post like this again?

A personal attack is to insult some-one or to be-little them. It is a recommendation of some very worrisome warning signs of the post.

It certainly was be-littling him. You may be right, but especially on such a sensible topic it's all about how you write it.

belittle dismiss (someone or something) as unimportant.

Recommending some-one go and seek help or signs or warning signs of underlying dependency that isn't healthy for a strong mature relationship is not belittling someone. Instead its is concern and recommendation to seek help is caring about some-one I have no social relationship to. If I didn't care I wouldn't say anything.

Can I ask you why this comment was flagged but the sibling one (by xab9), which says the same thing, was not?

Please do see a psychologist. Depending on your personal background you may find this advice offensive or annoying, but give it a try.

Reading my comment, I can understand why you'd advise this. I think it's unnecessary at this point because I understand a lot more about myself that I didn't before and was getting to a good place just before I met her. Thankfully, never had been suicidal or anything like that. Thanks for the concern though. :)

I'm not talking about being suicidal, I'm talking about being dependent - but of course it is your call. I always thought of my marriage as something of an unbreakable sacred wonder that "fixed me" for good, but looking back now I'm not exactly sure about it. Funny thing is that if someone told me this, I would've laughed at him or just dismissed the theory alltogether.

I get that. It's of course completely possible that we're only in honeymoon stage. I also understand the psychology that if you're looking for others to fill up your own inadequacies, you may run into trouble. But in my case, I don't think that's the story for me. Rather, she's opened my eyes about the wrong ways I viewed everything. I can quantifiably say that she's making me a better person firstly through giving me a platform for having confidence, secondly by acting as a confidante, and thirdly by giving me feedback about everything I do. It helps that we have common values, goals, and faith.

I don't think xab9 is denying that your wife made you a better person and see things in a different light. That's awesome and you should be proud of her. But your comments keep showing a form of dependancy that can quickly spiral out of control and turn against you (personally I have been there). A psychologist can be a tremendous help in preventing such situations.

Like xab9's comment, please do not take offence in my comment either.

Thanks, this is food for thought.

I would say, ignore both of them (the HNers advising you above in good earnest). You will cross that bridge if/when there is a need. The disruption to a happy phase can come in various guises. Don't mend if it ain't broke, they say. Also make hay while the sun shines & may be it will shine longer.

Yes, that's why I said his call - I'm just a random stranger (no expert, no family member, no good friend etc), the weight of the things I say is close to zero and this is fine.

On the other hand sometimes it may be good to have a pillow to soften a fall. If nothing happens, I spent that money on myself, no big deal, but if a tragedy happens out of the blue then it may save his life. It saved mine.

I understand. And that's why even in my post I said 'good earnest'. But I feared by OP's last comment that he was beginning to take the advise seriously. So I thought my duty to put an affirming point.

You guys, I'm much more stable and logical than my writing would have you believe. :D

or check out www.talkspace.com for online therapy if going somewhere is too much

I wrote to Matt once asking a technical question about Google and to be honest I wasn't expecting an answer. But a couple of days later he took the time to answer. Such a great guy. Hope him the best.

A huge asset to Google and to the community. Couldn't have happened to a less deserving person.

Loss like that is terrible.

If it helps any, Matt, I found that writing down as much as I could somehow helped me get my head around it. It didn't help with the pain, but it was somehow reassuring to know that the feelings I had right after the loss had been captured somewhere forever.

I don't have any words of wisdom, and my sharing my own story probably won't help. Somehow we must carry on. There are many times that I forget why we must somehow carry on, but I find if I just cling to that phrase long enough, I eventually remember again. Our thoughts are with you.

For those curious about writing to help deal with tragedy, look into the research by James W Pennebaker. TLDR is it is proven to help.

I don't know about anyone else, but if my partner suddenly died, I would be a complete non-functioning wreck for weeks (if not months). I have no idea how Matt found the wherewithal to sit down and write that blog post. I know I couldn't.

Nothing will fill this loss. No "sorry" word will help. World is different for you now, and it's time for grieving. There is life and death. There's love and memories.

Nothing ever fills the loss of a loved one, it doesn’t matter if they’re a spouse, a parent, a child or a pet - a loved one is forever missing from your life.

What I can say is with time things get better. No, time doesn’t heal all wounds - the loss of a loved one will stay with you for the rest of your life, but you will go from thinking about it every minute to a couple times a day to a couple times a week, to a few times a year, etc. Sometimes the pain will still hit you like a fully loaded truck, other times you will instead recall the joy that was brought to your life and be thankful for the time you had however brief.

I have absolutely no idea how much pain Matt is having to endure right now, and I won’t pretend to imagine - so the best I can say is the above, it does get better, but that doesn’t ever make it “okay”. All we can ever hope is that as time passes those moments of happy remembrance outweigh the gut punches, and I hope that everyone who has suffered a loss reaches that point.

I saw Cindy just a few weeks ago. She was wonderful and kind as usual, and she was a positive presence, the kind of which we can never have enough of. This is heartbreaking.

I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you and all who love Cindy. This sort of shock changes everything.

That sucks, I'm sorry Matt, don't know you so it means little but I'm sorry.

It really sucks that you had no warning, no time to spend in the last days. Knowing that it is coming sucks but being taken like that sucks (I've lost family to cancer, that is both better and more sucky).

It's clear that you loved her and that just makes it worse. Shit.

I keep thinking of stuff to say but it's all about me and my wife, don't want it to be about us. So I'm sorry for your loss, I hope you have family to support you, and I hope things get better for you.

I don't know you, but I understand your loss. A wife, a best friend...leaves a big void. Lean on your friends.

Your beautiful remembrance of your cherished love is both touching and poignant. Thank you for sharing this life lesson. I hope the act of writing down and expressing your feelings can bring you some comfort.

Matt Cutts is one of those rare persons who appear to be so nice that I find it admirable. I wish him and his family all the best in processing this tragic event. Life can be so unfair.

I’m so sorry Matt. My heart goes out to you and yours in this time of grief and reflection. What a wonderful blog post about her, her love of life was so evident in your thoughtful words.

Unimaginably sad news. :( I hope you make it through buddy.

I just learned my father who I was not close to for several decades has died - just yesterday. I have mixed emotions about someone who was very distant to me and can't even imagine losing my wife. The only thing I can think of that would keep me alive is my son. I don't know what I want to say but I guess maybe there is comfort in being around family in this very difficult time. I will think about you and your wife, please take care.

For those who don't know, Matt is the director of US Digital Service and all-round great guy.

I wish I had something poignant or heartfelt to say, but all I can really say is I'm terribly sorry to hear this.

Words fail me this time. I can't imagine what it must feel like.

Matt, so sorry for your loss. I only know you through old YT videos. Reading this I am so thankful I told my wife I love her this morning before she departed for work and due to scheduling we wont see each other for 26 hours.

Damn. I don't know what I would do without my wife. She reminds me to change my clothes and shower when I have been coding for days and always makes sure I am warm enough while I sleep.

That's a really lovely tribute to his wife. Good of him to mention the mental health issue as well. So many people grow up thinking they or their family are the only ones and that it's best kept quiet about.

A neighbor from when I was a kid died in her sleep a few years ago.

She married when I was 8, bought a home, had two kids and lived till I was 25.

Then, one day she slept on the couch and never woke up.

Some aneurism im the brain killed her without any warning.

Life is cruel :/

This is the problem with the hearts of feline nature. Can't be retained for so long as we would wish. They laugh with us, kiss us, mock of us, wink and fly away chasing the breeze. My sympathy and respect for matt, mrbill, webkike, rossta, joering2 and their families and loved ones.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUJLdC6wqno

I agree that no one can truly understand what you are going through, except one who has gone through it.

I'm blessed to have been married for 10 years, but if I'm honest, I know I have taken my wife for granted at times.

I'm so sorry for your loss, but this is an important reminder to live life to the fullest with no regrets, because you don't know how long you or your loved ones truly have.

Nothing can take away the time they shared in life together.

This is the only fact that comforts me when confronted with the tragedy of our existence.

Matt is one of the true good guys out there. This just isn't fair- to his love or to him. May you find peace, Matt.

@}}>-----

(It's a rose, in case that isn't obvious.)

I've never met you, and I live thousands of miles away from you. I'm also a Google opponent because of the questionable privacy practices.

But your work have inspired me on more than one occasion. I've always loved following your comments on HN.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish there were things that I can say to make you feel any better.

"Please give your friends or family a hug for me. We never know how much time we have with someone, and sometimes it’s all too short."

This is a wake up call for all of us. Thanks for your positive impact. That is the real value you get from the Internet people. All my thoughts and condolences for you and your family.

Dying doesn't scare worry me at all. I've died twice before. My deepest fear is something, anything, happening to my wife. She gets a cough and I worry; she has to go to the doctor and I get chills. I don't even like saying, "What if something .. . ".

Now I think its going to be a sucky day.

Matt, if you read this, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family.

I’m so sorry. She sounds like a wonderful person and a blessing to everyone who knew her.

Terrible news, but at the start of the text it seemed it was an even worse situation, with three people passing away at the same time. Glad (well, glad if not the best word) it was just a colorful description

I already lost too many peoples that were important to me... I just kept moving, working, and hanging to positive peoples/colleague around me. All my thought to you!

He has to carry on to raise their children. It is an extra burden, but also an extra incentive to find the strength to go on. I wish them the best.

Very sorry for your loss Matt. Like you said may time, friends and family help you heal and get back on track when you're ready to. Take all the help you can.

Matt, I'm so sorry to read this news. I hope you spend this difficult time with the people in your life that are sensitive to you and your needs.

So sorry for the loss. I'm having a busy life as everyone else and ignoring what matters most. I now need spend more time with loved ones.

Terribly sorry to hear this, Matt. I'm a member of something like 200 meetups in the DMV area. Let me know if you need help keeping busy.

I'm so sorry.

Thank you, Matt, for the time you shared with her. I'm sure you made her life better. That's all any of us can hope for.

Sorry to hear this news. Learned lot of things from your valuable comments and feedback on HN. Hope you find strength again.

Rejoice, Matt, for YOU are one of the few who for the rest of their lives get to say "We knew each other for 23 years and we were married for 18 years,"'till death did us apart. If I can say such a statement in the end I will cry one tear of gratitude for every tear of sorrow. I hope you can find the strength.

He lost a person that he greatly loved at a relatively young age and you presume to tell him to be happy about it because now he can lord his widowed status over people. I'm generally not into making direct personal character attacks on the internet but I think that outlook is disgusting.

Thanks, I accept how you read it through your lenses and responded in kind, but it does not reflect my intent and feeling.

Thank you for clarifying. I apologize for my overly aggressive response.

It's All Love, Friend. If I am honest your comment will make me write more clearly and choose words more wisely. Everyone can/should improve.

I think you’re misreading that but it’s a bit clumsily written so it’s understandable.

Celebrating what you had, and the persons life with you, rather than dwelling on the loss is actually recommended as a healthy way to grieve (though we each grieve differently)

This breaks the site guidelines, which ask "Please respond to the strongest plausible interpretation of what someone says, not a weaker one that's easier to criticize." For example, abritinthebay pointed out one that is both more plausible and stronger.

I'm sure that rokhayakebe means well (and I'm sure you do). Different people and cultures have different ways of offering condolence. It's what's in the heart that matters and that can't easily be judged online.

https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html

Noted. I've apologized and will be more careful in the future. Thanks!

1st time a HN post brings tears to my eyes. wish it was easier to value & preserve what you already have.

Sad reminders to cherish the moments you have with those you care about because they are fleeting.

This hurts :(

Agreed =(

Votes don't matter at times like these.

Deepest condolences, Matt. If you need a rock to lean on I'm here for you.

I'm so sorry to hear this awful news Matt. What a shock.

So sorry to hear that Matt. Stay strong and stay positive.

I'm sorry for your loss, Matt. Thanks for sharing.

So sorry for your loss, Matt. She was far too young.

I'm terribly sorry for your loss.

Beautiful tribute for your wife.

Very sad news. Stay strong, Matt.

I'm sorry for your loss.

This is incredibly sad news.

So sorry to hear this.

I do feel sorry for the guy. I really do. But how is it possible that one guy's tragedy got to the front page of HN? Why everyone's talking about his wife, but not about others, who probably left family and friends in grief the same way.

Apparently a lot of people know him, or know of him, so it becomes "news" of sorts, if out of place in HN context. Can you feel the pressure not to say anything except a condolence message? I certainly can, but I won't because I've never heard of him.

If the man himself had died, I get why that might find its way here because then you could talk about his work etc.

Personal loss happens to every one of us, be it family or friends. It's part of life, it's heart breaking, it's horrible, it sucks, it's painful. Then, you draw strength from their memory and move on because there's no other choice.

He's been a regular contributor here on HN for nearly 10 years - here's his profile: https://news.ycombinator.com/user?id=Matt_Cutts

He's also been an active blogger, sharing his insights from all the work he's done at Google and beyond. These blogs have been discussed here on HN often.

I think people here feel like he's a part of our community and a positive part of the tech community at large.

I am so sorry to hear this.

PSA: please, please enroll in a CPR class. It's incredibly simple to learn and administer and you will learn so many things like the role of aspirin, AED usage and of course cpr.

It sounds like the paramedics arrived in a timely manner. No need for PSAs today.

I just wanted to steal someone's attention while they are reading it. I know it's a bad time to talk about it, but really please register for a CPR class near you.

Totally sad and didn't in anyway mean to diminish this news.

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