Ask HN: Why did you choose not to have children?

If they are not like me --- well, I don't think there is any shortage of people in the world that are not like me. Further, I think that lowering the human population is the best thing we can do to prevent ecological collapse.

If they are like me, I fear that they too would be angry, depressed, ineffectual, and continually disappointed by the world. Reluctantly, I conclude that it's better for them (and probably the world) for them not to be, than to be like me.

(I'm sorry if this is an unhelpful answer. And while I'm unlikely to change my decision at this point, corrections to my logic would still be appreciated.)

When I was very young, that preference was inspired by a conscious rejection of the roles society had set for me ("wife and mother").

As an adult, that stance has weakened (if I'm choosing something because I want it rather than because someone's telling me too, it's still my choice). But I've come to believe that I would be a terrible mother. In part because I can't stand children and the noise they make; in part because I don't want them enough to be willing to make the sacrifices of time, energy, and other resources that are necessary to raise a child; in part because I'm both uninterested in and just plain terrible at nurturing.

If I had found a life partner who wanted kids badly enough, I might have had them. He would probably have to have committed in advance to being the primary caregiver, though. I'm much more comfortable in the role of breadwinner than nurturer.

Regrets? Not at all. Sometimes a vague concern about being lonely and without a financial safety net in old age, but that seems to me to also be a terrible reason to have children.

The answer as far as I can tell for most people is that they didn't actually choose after careful consideration of merits. They either just kinda felt like they wanted kids or were told that they needed to have kids or kids just kinda happened, or some combination of the three. But so much of the terrible part of having kids is hidden from potential parents that few people ever get to make a well-informed decision.

Have you ever looked at someone with young children? I mean really looked them in the eyes? They look miserable. Every single one of them. They deny it up down and sideways, but it's true except for rare brief moments. It's just that the rare joyful moments are they ones they remember because our brains suppress trauma. And it lasts for years; that miserable look doesn't go away until they've burned all of their youth. Do they love their children? Yes. Would they do anything for their children? Usually. And so would many pet owners. Are they proud of what their children grow into? Mmm...sometimes. Are they glad that they had children? Mmm...sometimes. Would they do it again if given the chance to turn back the clock? Mmm...sometimes. That's the dirty secret that you're not supposed to talk about.

Not having children makes everything less stressful, and by everything I mean literally every last little thing. Every single moment of every day of your entire life is cheaper and easier without children. Every decision you make involves fewer obligations. Want to DuoLingo for a couple months and then burn some cash and move to a foreign country for a while? Go for it. But good luck integrating an 8-year-old into elementary school on a one year tourist visa.

My mother and father had a bunch of amazing life adventure stories. None of them were from after I was born.

No regrets so far.

We got crap from family, a few friends (good friends were fine about it) and, lots of strangers for whom it should have been none of their business.

Basically, when most people ask why, there's no answer other than infertility that results in anything other than them telling us we're wrong. So many people who have or want to have kids see voluntarily choosing not to have them as not just a personal choice, but as an affront to everything they believe in.

That's not even to mention those who want and can't have kids who have gotten really bitter when the topic comes up. I just avoid it whenever I can.

On the plus side, as we passed 40, I think people assume that we couldn't rather than we chose not to have kids and very few people ask anymore.

If you have or want kids and that makes you happy, wonderful. But, far too many people take what's a pretty longstanding decision as a challenge to convince us to change our minds.

The main reasons for this negative outlook were exponential population growth, the degrading environment and the threat of nuclear war. At best all I could see was hand-wringing in response to these challenges, in general most people chose to ignore them.

Maybe things are beginning to change, but not enough to guarantee that the next few generations will not experience a degraded quality of life.

Regrets? None. You can't choose your kids but you can choose to live as you wish without the risk of getting a 'bad egg'.

That being said, I like my life as it is and I don't see how it would be better with children. I can see how it would be worse though. I have a lot of freedom that I wouldn't have with kids.

Another reason for not having kids is that I'm an anxious person. I worry already a lot for no good reason, I imagine it would be worse if I had kids to worry about.

So far, I don't have any regrets. But it has been an issue with most of my ex-gfs who wanted kids...

One of the first discussions we had was did I desire to have children "of my own". I said I didn't and she didn't want to "start over".

I love my step children and became very close almost immediately. I don't feel like I'm missing anything by not having my own biological kids.

But, at 37 - we married less than 8 months after we started dating - I knew I was selfish. Not financially, but I knew I wanted to have plenty of time to enjoy life with just my wife.

With kids that age, we've always been able to balance alone time and family time. We could leave our kids at home when we went out and even left them home alone over the weekend when my older child turned 16.

I'll be 46 when my younger child graduates. My wife and I have our whole life ahead of us.

I've never like babies. I wouldn't deal with babies in my own family until they were potty trained and talking. To me babies just limit what I can do in life and the freedom I enjoy.

My mother is urging me to have a child. Her major argument is that when I get old, no one would take care of me. But I think that’s selfish thinking. The purpose of a new life shouldn’t be taking care of another person.

I’m impatient with children too. I stay away from relatives’ children during reunions. I hardly find joy interacting with them.

You simply can't raise children in anything smaller than a 3 bedroom apartment or house. Furthermore, because of groceries and driving around, they effectively require a car. On top of that, at least one of the parents need to sacrifice most time between, say, 5pm and 8pm every day. More than just that before they go to school (and this will put strain on the relationship, for obvious reasons). I mean, perhaps if you limit yourself to just one you might make it work with a 2 bedroom place, but ...

So you need a lot more stuff, and you must work less ...

There's massive rewards too, of course, but ... you have a lot of people that really want children, but realize it would destroy them. If you're wondering why people don't have children, imho, mostly that question is answered if they invite you to dinner.

Turns out wanting children is something I wanted. It just took meeting the right person to change my mind. My partner also was a never-breeder before we met.

Sometimes meeting the right person can change your outlook on life and future plans.

edit: spelling and grammar

No regrets so far. We know we might sometimes later, after retirement. Or not.

I considered adopting briefly, but the government is so unstable in the United States that I can easily imagine an adopted child of mine being taken away.