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Meanwhile I'm on 4 fps on a laptop while pushing the laptop to thermal limits.

That's on Chrome. On FF with same laptop...butter-smooth 60fps with no heat.

Whatever this thing is it definitely doesn't like Chrome.

chrome://gpu I bet it's not using all of them. Open chrome://flags and enable "Override software rendering list" and restart. Then thank me later

Works beautifully in Chrome on my iPhone.

Note that Chrome on an iPhone is still just Safari but with different chrome (no pun intended).