Not saying OP, but some people chaff under leadership and need that "out" of freelancing to feel like they can walk away without concerns for loyalty. Sometimes it's because the leaders are inept, and sometimes it's because people just don't like being controlled.

The Wachowskis spent 3 movies telling us about how there are layers of control no matter where you look. Perhaps OP is struggling because he may have been avoiding control by freelancing, only to find that he's being controlled in other ways.

I don't want to sound judgmental at all. It's possible that this could simply be a matter of perspective and once he finds out how to live within the abstract boundaries of freelancing controls, he'll be more able to take on the rigidity of authoritarian control found in office life.