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Comment by joshschreuder | Hacker News Reader

It always seems like a strange social situation, the polite thing is to ask if anyone else wants the last item, and yet the correct behaviour is for everyone else to say they don't want it so the asking party can have it. Have you ever seen a situation where someone says they want it?

So it's a race to ask if anyone else wants it, so you can have it, all the while waiting a polite amount of time before asking so you don't look like you're having seconds too quick. Just strange social dynamics all around.

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An example of polite behavior, starring Ronald Reagan: https://www.salon.com/2003/11/24/korda

[From the Salon article]:

Korda's eye for detail really shines a couple of hundred pages later, when he and several other editors have joined Ronald Reagan in Los Angeles, near the end of the president's second term, to work on Reagan's memoirs. A plate of bad, overchunked chocolate cookies has been served. Only one remains, and Reagan's good manners dictate that he offer it around before taking it himself:

[Here the Salon article quotes from Korda's own memoirs]:

One of his aides took the plate from his hand and passed it on. The aides, I noticed, knew better than to reach for the last cookie. [S&S editor] Chuck Adams passed the plate on to me, and I passed it on to [writer Robert] Lindsey, the last man in the circle. I caught a glimpse of the president's face. His eyes were hopeful and bright, his whole expression that of somebody who has done the right thing and seen it pay off. He was already reaching for the plate when Lindsey, who had been bent over a copy of the manuscript, oblivious of the small drama taking place at the table, absentmindedly grabbed the cookie and bit into it without even looking up.

Reagan's face crumpled, his expression that of a man who has just staked the farm on one card and lost.

My father has a favorite story from his childhood. His best friend was over eating, and they were having porkchops which was a big deal in my father's house at the time.

There was one extra after everyone had their first, and my grandfather asked aloud if anyone wanted the last, with his fork already poised over the porkchop.

My father's best friend said "Yeah, thanks Mr. XYZ!" and snatched it out from under my grandfather's fork.

Not really contrary to your point, of course. It's a favorite story of my father's specifically because his friend broke the implicit code of "does anyone want this."

It seems insincere to ask if he didn’t really mean it.

When I ask, I say: “did anyone want the last one?” - but only after its in my mouth of course. ;-)

As I mentioned in my original post, it is somewhat insincere since the expectation is generally that everyone present will let you eat the last porkchop.

With that said, general politeness would mean that if someone did ask for it then you would let them have it, but it happens very rarely in my experience.

I have a hypothesis: perhaps we should interpret "would anyone like the last pork chop?" as "Does anyone need the last pork-chop?".

Scenario A: the Provider offers the last piece to the group. If everyone is sufficiently satisfied and grateful for what they've already eaten, it allows them to express that gratitude and the Provider gets to enjoy being magnanimous; a small-fee to pay for the meal you've just enjoyed!

Scenario B: the Provider offers the last piece to the group, and one who may be in need is allowed to 'save face' by not having to say "I need it, I'm starving!". If this need is genuine (it would likely already be known to the group), the Provider would probably have no problem with this, and it causes the minimum amount of discomfort to the person in need.

Scenario X: You offer the final piece, and some opportunistic vulture swoops in with his fork and says "Thanks bro!". You have now learned to never, ever invite him to eat again.

Edit: offering to split the last chop is slightly beneficial in the short-term (yummy pork), but no one really gets to reap the non-tangible rewards described above to the greatest effect.

Well, there's also the option to offer to split it. It's not like most food must be consumed as whole units. Asking if anyone else wants it can open the dialog where that option can be presented.

That'd be my default, and I'd be sure to propose it first. I recall eating cheese with a friend. Once it was largely gone, we'd each take half of what remained. We had a sharp knife, and eventually it got very silly. But then, we were stoned.

It was worth it to determine if it was possible to get infinite cheese this way.

> It seems insincere to ask if he didn’t really mean it.

It's not exactly insincerity; cultural nuances like this throw-off outsiders but are not easily apparent to the in-group who have internalized the relevant call-and-responses for the ritual. Consider the standard greeting "How are you?" - the person asking isn't being insincere, but they don't really want to know how you are.

This is a very western outlook. I recall reading that on the ISS, the American astronauts considered the Russian cosmonauts to be rude because they would pick out whatever food they wanted. Maybe apocryphal, and maybe not, but I - Russian, and born and raised there for ten years - have zero qualms about asking to take the last of something.

I, too, am Russian. Unless a mom or a grandma pushed the last of something onto someone’s plate, it would just sit there.

Weird, I wonder if it's more regional, or just completely disconnected from culture, and more of a family-by-family thing.

In mine, an elder would ask someone to finish it up and he would appoint someone to eat it, if he refuses, then to the next

What culture is this, if you don't mind my asking?

I think you are British, that's the polite form in the UK where I come from. In the USA if you try this it's pretty common for people to say yes they would like it. Different culture!

I think the sincere form would be something like "who else would like more?" Or "shall I save this or is someone still hungry?". And then cut it in as many pieces.

I'm not an expert on manners, but I don't think there is any polite way to claim yourself an extra pork chop to the exclusion of others.

I'm Australian, but it seems the Brits taught us convicts some additional etiquette :)

I should have put a note in there about cultures in my original post as I suspected as much about there being differences. I suspect in non-Western cultures too that this behaviour isn't a thing as well.

You can also ask if anyone would like to split the last one.

I have said yes, lets split it.

Ditto. I don't know what the most polite way of addressing it is, but I've done that as well and never seen it be the cause of bad feelings.

I've also adopted a behavior I learned from a friend, which was to say something like "Anybody want to split the last one with me?" or "Does anybody else want the last one, or want to split it?" or something to that effect.

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