> Tor is far more fingerprintable than people think it is
You seem to have no idea about the existence of pluggable transports.[1][2]
> and its riddled with adversaries and malware.
Yes, and so is I2P... Freenet... the Internet?
> Even if you're good you have a separate problem now: Keeping the USG et al from painting a target on you.
Isn't that an argument for using Tor? As Mike Perry (who works now on the vanguard proposal implementation) puts it, "we want enough people to actually use Tor Browser such that it becomes less interesting that you're a Tor user. We have plenty of academic research and mathematical proofs that tell us quite clearly that the more people use Tor, the better the privacy, anonymity, and traffic analysis resistance properties will become."
> Just use a burner iPad and wipe it frequently. If you're truly paranoid light up a DigitalOcean droplet with a pre-paid credit card and a false name and install OpenVPN on it make an image and cycle your IP.
Your IP will be known since you connect directly using your IP to the droplet. Also doesn't protect you from browser fingerprinting which alone may have leaked enough information to identify you.
[1] : https://www.torproject.org/docs/pluggable-transports.html.en
[2] : https://www.pluggabletransports.info/ (really good folks work on them, and we should appreciate the amount of work that they put in obfs research)