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Comment by brad0 | Hacker News Reader

I know that there's a few people who disagree with the article but I found it hit close to home.

I'm a young(ish) guy that's tall, fit and has a great career that pays well. On a (superficial level at least) I have a lot going for me in attracting women.

Yet I have no interest in pursuing sex or relationships.

Why would I bother going out and attempt to have conversations with women who have nothing in common with me.

Why have a relationship with a woman when it's taxing physically, mentally and emotionally?

There's so many other things I can do with my time that is much easier and more rewarding.

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After writing this I can't help but feel that my experience of relationships isn't typical.

Does anyone agree or disagree with me?

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I think some people find relationships "taxing" and that's okay. But I think working in tech makes it harder for men, who would otherwise enjoy relationships, to find women with whom they have things "in common." I got married not that long after leaving engineering for law. My wife, who is also a lawyer, and I talk shop constantly, attend professional events together, etc.

I can see how this is true. The most successful relationship I've had is with another software engineer. We were both passionate about our work and could share a lot of our experiences.

> But I think working in tech makes it harder for men

Obviously anecdotal - but yea. I'm an engineer in America and for the entirety of my career I have worked with 95%+ men. In my office right now it's 25 men and one woman who is non-technical.

I simply just don't interact with women unless it's professional, within mutual friend groups, at the bar, or in the dating scene. I won't initiate in polite small-talk conversations out of fear my friendliness could be misconstrued as flirting, and as a single 30-something guy I'm terrified of making someone feel uncomfortable.

This all leads to a lack of confidence in non-professional interactions to the point where I am legitimately shocked/concerned when a woman randomly initiates conversation with me (as seldom as that happens).

I feel you. I'm 31 and am exactly the same way with women.

It's lead to the exact same conclusions as you - a lack of self confidence in a wide variety of situations. This turns into overcompensation and having bad interactions. That all reinforces the lack of self confidence.

Different strokes and all, but I am a typical-for-HN tech guy, and I married a lawyer, and we are both very glad we did not marry someone in our own field. Though it does appear to be common in law; my wife is often asked if I am a lawyer as well, to which she says "no, I couldn't stand to be married to a lawyer". :)

People want different things out of a relationship. My wife and I are basically the same person, and we like it that way (and it stresses us out when there is any daylight between how we see things). If you’re that kind of guy, who happens to be in tech, finding relationships can be hard.

"Why would I bother going out and attempt to have conversations with women who have nothing in common with me."

Are women who have nothing in common with you your only potential conversation/dating options?

What's wrong with seeking out women you do have something in common with?

Some people find, through hard and painful personal experience, that seeking out potential partners they have something in common with is exceptionally difficult and time-consuming.

yes but it's also the only thing worthwhile so what's your point

My point is that "Have you tried seeking out people you have things in common with?" is not always the helpful advice it may appear.

i don't get it. when there is only one solution to a problem reiterating that solution absolutely has value.

for example:

"how can i lose weight?"

"exercise and diet"

your response is akin to:

"that's not very helpful..."

To be honest a lot of my interests and work are heavily male oriented.

I could do things that have a different male/female skew but to do things just to meet women seems disingenuous and energy wasting to me.

"taxing physically, mentally and emotionally" it's supposed to be "Rewarding, stress leaving, and healthy" human contact is important. If you have had some shitty relationships re-evaluate where you are shopping for dates.

I agree, I'd be over the moon to experience a relationship that is rewarding, stress leaving and healthy.

It's down to me to work out why I find relationships to be so exhausting. Thank you.

> "taxing physically, mentally and emotionally" it's supposed to be "Rewarding, stress leaving, and healthy"

Have you dated in a major metro within the last 2-3 years? It's a pissing match of who can care less so-as to not come off as needy and/or thirsty.

A large majority of the people I am meeting on these platforms/real life are serial daters and I'm just one random guy in a LOOONG string of encounters. You can literally tell who's new to the dating scene because their ideals haven't been crapped on 9/10 times anything happens - they don't have "war stories".

I can _absolutely_ understand why someone says that it's taxing "physically, mentally, and emotionally" because it absolutely is for a lot of people.

> You can literally tell who's new to the online dating scene because their ideals haven't been crapped on 1/10 times anything happens

Can you go into more detail on this?

Was suppose to be 9/10 whoops. People are not able to really compromise these days because we live in a very individualistic society. Any sort of dependency on another person is seen as weakness, especially if you're a man.

Within the relationship context this causes many couples to not be able to hit the required escape velocity to exit the honeymoon period (3-6 months on average). If you're in a major metro, there is a multitude of additional options that are fresh and new so why compromise?

This is destructive to an individual's ideals within the relationship context because either you dig your heels in just like your opponent and move on to the next partner (easy/common), or you both decide to calibrate and compromise (hard/rare).

> Have you dated online in a major metro within the last 2-3 years?

If that sucks, why do it? Almost everyone I know that is actively dating (major metro or no) has had better experiences meeting people through meatspace activities centered around interests than online.

Online dating seems to be the modern iteration of the singles bar scene, which sucked for much the same basic reasons.

Agreed, the online dating scene isn't for everyone.

However if you don't have interests that have women in it how do you meet them genuinely?

Because you hit a certain age where a HUGE chunk of people within the ( your_age / 2 + 7 ) algorithm are already spoken for. Online dating helps because both people are looking for "something" and that can avoid a lot of difficult social situations.

I've met single people through meatspace activities and often it comes with the exact same difficulties of online dating.

I'm editing that line to read "have you dated in a major metro..." - thanks for the heads up.

I agree with you, logically, but with most men it's not about what's logical, it's about emotions. You somehow feel attracted to someone and you feel desire to do different things with them. This complex and powerful feeling makes certain things extremely rewarding. So much that some people get totally conditioned by that.

On the other hand, if you don't have that feeling, or if it's not that intense, you're right. The company of people you have nothing common with makes very little sense. It would be awkward to do things against yourself.

> Why would I bother going out and attempt to have conversations with women who have nothing in common with me.

Well, the general idea is to find women who have something in common with you.

> Why have a relationship with a woman when it's taxing physically, mentally and emotionally?

Addressing the preceding issue may result in this being less often the case. But, yeah, if a relationship is like that, on balance, it's probably not one you want to be in.

I agree with you, and I think your experience is more typical than you may think.

It's a chore because you often get zero positive validation out of it (ghosting, relationships that go nowhere, blah blah)... You begin to not want to "play the game" which is what I'm reading from your post and I very much relate if that's the case.

Going out on a limb here but all the good looking fit dudes I know who find women taxing are not into women but are into other dudes.

So in your mind because I’ve had unsatisying relationships and I’m fit then I must be gay?

I had to laugh.

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