Thank you, but it really has been a recent thing for me. It's only in the past year that I actually worked out what this all means, passive versus active investments, pensions etc.
> i am going to pay an actual human being to give me a list of options
I totally understand that but do me a favour. Before you pay anyone or start down that route, watch this playlist - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_chiIIxMGl0&list=PLXy71rkGuC...
It was accidentally stumbling across that which led to me getting my stuff together. At the very least it should give you a grounding in what to read up so as not to be blindsighted by any financial advice you may get in the future from a professional.
> instead of shrinking. if that's too much to ask, i'll just keep my money under a mattress, thanks.
Inflation is always eating away at your money there, no matter how thick your mattress is ;)