Ask HN: A Windows 7 system isn't updating automatically. How can I force it to?

I've had to revert to an older laptop (yay, SV vehicle break-ins) running Windows 7.

I had expected it to download a lot of updates (the big recent security updates triggered multiple gigabyte updates on a recent-manufacture Windows 10 laptop), but ... nothing.

My Installed Updates page shows NO updates in the past 16 months. I've used this machine on the Internet at least a few times a month in that span.

I've tried triggering updates manually using Control Panel-> Windows Update -> Check for Updates, but all I get is a moving "Checking for updates" progress bar... with no visible progress and no indication of downloads.

The final indignity is that clicking on "Updates: Frequently Asked Questions" gives me only the "Windows Media Player DRM: frequently asked questions" popup. Urgh.

What next to try?