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Wrong kind of arm processor.

Only if you wear gloves while using it and shake it after finishing a calculation.

Been reading Cryptonomicon, have we?

There might be some side-channel attacks if your rows are too close to each other....

Is an Abakus Turing-complete?

I duno, technically it's the 'arm' executing the instructions

:P yes I stole it from mywittyname

Best pun of the year so far. ;-)

Only if you managed to find a flaw in the arm cores used in the Pi.