Ask HN: Relocating across the country and the stress is killing me

I relocated from California to the Minneapolis. While my situation isn't exactly the same, I think it still applies:

- Don't focus on what things you love that aren't present in your new location. Rather focus on what your new location has to offer and find new things you love.

- Establish your routines ASAP. If that means finding a gym, trails to run / bike, meetups, etc. The busier you are, especially building a new life, the better off you'll be.

- Meet people at work. As the new person, others oftentimes make invitations / gestures. Come to my house for dinner, let's grab lunch, etc. Take them up on those offers. Nothing makes you feel more at home than having friends, or less at home than not having them.

- It's not just you. Your girlfriend needs to feel like she's building a new home. Encourage her to do the aforementioned things too; as well as try to make invitations to dinner / activities opportunities for your gf connect as well.

I'm in the exact same boat, except wife+daughter instead of gf+dog! I'm pretty stressed and anxious, particularly with a soon to be vacant home layered on top, beginning right in the thick of a Maine winter.

I'm just putting my head down and trying to take one step at a time, knowing that I'll be pretty excited once we're settled in SF. I've done a corporate move once before, albeit just up the coast, but I can tell you that it will start to feel better as you lay out a plan. Figure out the big stuff - for me, I have a 3rd car to get rid of, a contractor has me by the balls on snow removal/lawn service, and we need to figure out what's coming with us and what's staying here - meaning we have to figure out if the place will be vacant/a vacation home, rented (vacant or furnished), or sold at some point. For me, I'm trying to get our heads around those big pieces, and once they're settled the rest will seem pretty doable. Oh, and finding a place to live. We gotta do that too. Knowing my new address will really help settle things.

No way around the stress, but every once in a while, think about the opportunity and why you chose the new city. Moving always sucks, but there's usually a good reason we decided to do it.

Great advice. I've written more to-do lists and checklists in the past 3 months than I have in the past 10 years. Room inventories, flights to book, moving checklists, it never stops.

And you're right about the opportunity. I keep telling myself that one day I will be settled into my new place, with everything behind me and thinking about that is whats keeping me going.

> And you're right about the opportunity. I keep telling myself that one day I will be settled into my new place, with everything behind me and thinking about that is whats keeping me going.

By the way, if you're going to SF, drop me an email (in my profile). We might as well go get beer or coffee or something if we're both new in town.

I'm afraid I'm not going to answer many of your questions but I am going to say some stuff still:

It may be stressful but try to embrace the change and remain positive. Take it as an opportunity to reevaluate other things in life if possible e.g. how much physical stuff you need in your life and if that stuff makes you happy. Change and hardship/being uncomfortable is good for you in moderation and trains you to weather bigger storms you may encounter later in life.

The bay area is a fantastic place to live, especially for a young person in tech, so try to remain positive although I can understand where you are coming from, and your stress is totally reasonable. The climate out here (both physical environment and cultural) is fantastic, be sure to seek it out. Good luck and congrats on the change!

thanks! i keep telling myself that I need to step outside my comfort zone to grow, and something like a cross country move is a prime example of it. Still, when I realize that I am moving thousands of miles away in a month, it really stresses me out. The whipsaw of emotions is killing me. I get that it's natural and to be expected, but doesnt make it any easier.

I relocated for a job. It was a huge pain in the ass, and my situation was similar - my family had to wait for the house to sell to come join me. She packed while I was away, when the house sold I flew back to help her load up a U-Haul and we drove back together (my move was only about 1k miles so not across country).

It was an incredibly stressful process but we did it. Then I found out that my employer was a liar and a psychopath, I left that job after only six months. So why did I move? It worked out though because I found a better gig only two days later.

TLDR: Moving is hard, and plans usually don't work out the way you expect them to. Advice - be as flexible as possible.

I'm married and was in the same situation a few years ago. My SO moved with me - she didn't wait. There are some positives from your SO not being able to move out until later in the year.

The first 3 months of a job can be tough. Adding a new location means you have things changing at work and at home. You're adjusting to everything. It can be easier to do this when you're alone since you can de-prioritize certain things. For example, you might have to stay late frequently in the beginning so you can onboard faster. It's easier to do this if you are on your own and don't have your SO who needs support because they are also adjusting to everything new.

When this situation happened to me, I realized in the first 30 days that the job environment had been totally misrepresented and was horrible. We had moved from a low/medium CoL area to a high CoL area. My spouse had moved with me and was looking for work. The move had been tough because we had to downsize in a major way. We were tired, frustrated, and struggling to wrap out minds around the vastly increased CoL, even though I had gotten a solid salary increase. Then I came home and said "This job is awful, I made a mistake." Since the company had moved us with a clawback, the money had already been spent and we would have to pay it back if I left.

We both realized that moving together had been a mistake. I had to be onsite, but the company that hired me had given me a year to move my home. I could have rented a studio apartment and moved/purchased just enough to live a basic life. Then I could have easily switched jobs or moved back without thinking about the clawback or all the energy we had put into moving. I ended up staying in that job until the clawback amount dropped enough that we were okay with paying back a portion. I hate being away from my spouse, but what happened was far more stressful for both of us.

Don't take what I say as a warning about your job. I provide my experience to say that there are positives to moving alone and having some of that risk mitigated by your SO having a secure base where you are now. If you are committed to each other you'll be fine.

I have relocated across the globe before, so the key is to get your SO with you right away and treat it as an adventure... New city, start afresh, it is just great... If you cannot have SO with you, maybe it is a no go...

SO will be joining me, but she can't move out west for 2-3 months after my start date. We have visits planned but those 2-3 monhts will be tough.

Yes, I got it the first time, but this is not a good plan... you have to be together to share the experience... just call the company and postpone it...