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Comment by jacquesm | Hacker News Reader

In the end nobody can change a life except the person whose life it is, but if it were my brother I'd be right there beside him on the off-chance that it would help.

Fortunately my brother is not in to stuff like that.

It's really tough, and one of those things that you have to deal with as an emigrant that is not in the playbook.

Do you have more brothers? If you do can they be of assistance somehow? Does your brother look up to you, see you as a role model? Does he have good friends?

It's tough. My dad was an all-out alcoholic, he drank more than anybody that I've ever seen, before or after, and on top of that he was violent when drunk. It gave me a fantastic warning about what kind of an effect alcohol can have on people and as a result I never drank a drop.

So I really feel for you, but if it turns out that you can't make a difference don't be too hard on yourself.

good luck!

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Do you have more brothers? If you do can they be of assistance somehow? Does your brother look up to you, see you as a role model? Does he have good friends?

I don't have more brothers, but there are a few family members around my brother to help and support him. However, the generation gap is a problem. He does relate best to me and look up to me as a bit of a role model. He doesn't really have any good friends, not any that he hangs out with.

Sorry to hear about your dad and glad that you took a positive lesson from his life.

Thanks for your help.

At some point, rushing to "be right there beside him on the off-chance that it would help" may be more hurtful than helpful. As you noted in your first comment, maybe "he's drinking because it brings out the brother in you".

The 12-step world has all sorts of theories about these behaviors, under the titles "codependency" or "enabling" or "rescuing" or "detachment". I can't say for sure whether they're right but someone struggling with these issues, like the OP, may want to familiarize themselves with that literature. A reasonably-sized bookstore will have a large section of books about dealing with alcoholism, as a drinker/alcoholic/friend/child/sibling/parent/spouse/adult-child/stepsibling/etc, in every permutation.

> At some point, rushing to "be right there beside him on the off-chance that it would help" may be more hurtful than helpful.

That too is a possibility, but not a certainty. That is exactly what makes these things so hard.

> As you noted in your first comment, maybe "he's drinking because it brings out the brother in you".

Yes, but I have absolutely no idea if that is the case or not, and even with my own brother (Maurice, 12 years my junior) I'd have a very hard time to figure that one out. Let alone that I could know which way that coin landed for someone else. I haven't a clue, to be frankly. But I thought that saying that might open the OPs eyes to some of the weirder possibilities.

In the end almost all addictions are a from of escape, the question is from what and why and if it can change, and the first step will have to come with recognising there is a problem, which for the moment the OPs brother does not seem to agree with. So that makes it a very complicated and tricky situation.

Unfortunately alcohol addiction is a subject that strikes pretty close to home for me and I could tell you some stories that would make your hair stand on end. This also means that I may not be the most rational person when looking at this as an issue, personally I'm instantly more worried about the brothers nearest family (wife, kids and so on) than the brother himself. Scars like that heal only very slowly.

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