How to Tell If You’re a Jerk
nautil.us
nautil.us
From a young age, growing up in Queens, I quickly learned the value of being a jerk/asshole as a deterrent for getting "jumped" for my jacket/sneakers. The idea was: kids mugging other kids would go for easy targets. Even an inkling of belief that someone would put up a fight was a disincentive enough to avoid getting "jumped." Now, this wasn't always the case, but the converse (if easy target, then got jumped) was definitely prevalent.
Fast forward to adult age, and it's even more true- give an inch, and people will take a mile. As cynical as it sounds, I've been in many instances where my asshole-ness proved to be beneficial. For example, when someone tried to cut me in line at the grocery store, I let it go. When that same person was at the dog park with me later that night, and he became aggressive with MY dog, I lost my cool, which was mostly fueled by the prior transgression on his part. The guy apologized and to this day, this person has been saccharin to my wife at the dog park when I'm not there, but completely avoids me when I am.
Now, I know there's a fine line between being a jerk and assertive, but I think the line has been muddled over the years as our social norms have evolved to "always be kind- if not, you'll be seen as a jerk." I acknowledge that I am an insecure person, while at the same time, an egotistical person, but being a jerk has protected me from being taken advantage of.
Today, I wonder, how would I feel if my son turned out this way? How do I want the world to treat my son, and vice-versa? I then realize that if the world were filled with people like me, the world would be a terrible place. But, from a game theory perspective, I'm employing my best strategy.
"Don't be such a shit that you don't know you are one."
Probably I'm a jerk.
People typically love or hate me, but it's usually relevant to their own actions. Maybe it comes from being picked on as a kid, I like to stand up for the little guy.
Isn't that the opposite of being a jerk? Like, isn't that being kind?
More generally, I take it to mean: act restrained when possible, using your power quietly and only when needed.
Your best strategy would be to be kind by default and then repeat their response. By being a defensive jerk you remove any incentive for people to be kind to you.
...in fact, I'd say it's the people who correlate assertiveness with jerkiness that are in fact most often jerks.
Meanwhile, non jerks are fully aware that cutting line or being aggressive to dog is not polite or fair. So, even when non-jerk cuts that line because some reason, non-jerks is aware that others have right not to like it and dont assume objection makes you a jerk.
They're ingrained behaviors that people have and most people will usually act appropriately (read: apply those traits) to any given social situation. Luckily most of us are in the middle on this 4-way spectrum.
If someone is acting way out of proportion to the circumstances, you go "that guy/gal is a jerk!".
If you say "assertive people are jerks", or any of those 4 really, you are making a demand that other people accommodate your needs in social situations. It's a social ultimatum, basically, and if you do it, you're a jerk. Always.
You will most often find this quality in passive, turbulent people (this is my natural default) with poor social skills who mistake assertiveness for aggression.
(Tangent: Can we redefine 'passive-aggressive' as 'turbulent-aggressive'?)
For example:
http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0092656616...
That meta-analysis shows that rather-specific variance is greatest for agreeableness, although that is misleading (in an underestimating kind of way) because what you really want to know is the target-rater interaction variance, which is often not studied because it requires a lot of combinations of targets and raters. What I remember (and I might be incorrect) is that in such studies, there's also a lot of relationship-specific variance for agreeableness.
The papers I've read by Vazire ignores this interaction variance and focuses on agreement across traits. The interaction variance is implied, though, by the huge amount of variance not accounted by target or rater.
The takeaway message is that there will be a lot of disagreement for most people about who thinks who is a jerk.
If this is how the world regularly looks to you, then I have bad news. Likely, you are the jerk. This ....is not how the world actually is.
Could be. Or you could be surrounded by boring people with bad taste. Can we say honestly say those don't exist? Or don't exist in large groups?
Except when it's truly necessary to provoke some change there isn't generally an excuse for unkindness though. But that doesn't mean the company of boring people and fools is worth seeking out and we shouldn't have to pretend that they don't have those attributes.
As with so many other things jerk is a matter of perspective. If the fact I do judge inwardly if the company of a group or individual is worth my time makes me a jerk then whatever. I do try to be kind and polite to the best of my ability though.
Same goes with any form of exceptionalism. Everyone thinks they are smart, everyone thinks they are above average, etc. If you truly are exceptional, and everyone around truly is not as smart as you are, how would you know?
According to all studies, we all think that, and we are all full of shit.
If you see everyone around you is a jerk, you're likely a jerk. Because you keep them in company, and internalize their traits.
Question: what's with jerks teaming up? How does jerk signaling work, such that it attracts jerks-of-a-feather, when jerks in the wild are found joining forces?
> ...If you unwittingly have been repelling non-assholes, you will get the impression that everyone is an asshole, because you're still surrounded by plenty of people, but everyone left – that is everyone you come into contact with – is, in fact, an asshole.
> ...An asshole filter is a situation one creates that causes non-assholes to reduce contact with you at a disproportionate rate (like at all) than assholes...
> ...An asshole filter happens when you publicly promulgate a straitened contact boundary and then don't enforce it; or worse, reward the people who transgress it...
It goes on to frame "jerk-ness" in terms of "transgressiveness":
> The concept of transgressiveness is one of the most powerful lenses I know with which to look at people's behavior – possibly because it is is a perspective so absent from our culture. It is a phenomenon that is real, but for which we have no words – except "asshole". When we call someone an asshole, pragmatically speaking what we're usually trying to express is that that person transgresses others' boundaries. We might also say, if asked to explain, that the person so described is selfish, in that they want to get their way even (or especially) at the expense of others; we might describe them as rude or disrespectful, meaning that their conduct shows contempt for others' boundaries.
Exactly what kind of individuality sparkles do most people in a crowded plaza emit? Their clothes, face expression at that moment, pace of walk?
The danger in this kind of whooshy-mooshy is that some people might start to believe that these things do constitute an individuality. To the benefit of the fashion industry, and probably to our loss as a society.
Its not like being a jerk/sweetheart is some binary or mutually exclusive relation, but it seems like this article struck a chord with a lot of users.
"Academically intelligent people, by the way, aren’t immune to motivated reasoning. On the contrary, recent research by Dan M. Kahan of Yale University suggests that reflective and educated people might be especially skilled at rationalizing their preexisting beliefs..."
It has never been intentional, I simply did not think about it.
Don't know about my current jerkiness I think one needs outside perspective to really judge that.
Realistically, I'm a huge jerk according to the article. While I don't necessarily fit all the criteria for being a big jerk, the end result is still the same.
Why not both?
Good luck with that strategy.
Is Eric Andre a jerk?
Samy Kamkar?
Andy Kaufmann?