> my dad also refuses to write a will - but thats another problem entirely
Another problem, yes - but a huge one all the same. Does your mother have a will?
I went thru this with my parents; my dad had a will but my mom did not. My dad passed away; no biggie. But my mom never probated his will. I didn't find this out until after she passed away - without a will.
I ended up spending quite a bit of money with a lawyer, plus more than a few trips between where I live and where my parents lived (thankfully only a few hundred miles away - but still far enough to be annoying), plus gathering documents, and a whole host of other issues.
It was not fun. The only thing that saved my butt was the fact that before my mom passed, I was able to get power of attorney (as well as medical POA), because she ultimately slipped into dementia (my wife and I caught it in the nick of time, while my mother was still coherent enough). Without that, accounts would have been frozen preventing me from taking care of my mother before she passed, and later the estate, afterward (though I had to go thru a short process to be appointed as executor).
But without a will, and my dad's will not probated, things went slowly. There were fortunately no real major assets involved (a house and a couple of old cars were the only things), plus I was an "only child" - but I still had to go thru the process of no one contesting my dad's will (I did worry that something might come up from his past or from his family), or contesting me as sole heir.
Ultimately it worked out - but it could have turned into more of a logistical nightmare than the merely annoying situation it only turned out to be.
So - I implore you to try to fix this, especially if other family or large assets are involved. If not, and you don't care about things otherwise, you might talk with a lawyer about other options. I am not sure if this is possible, but it might be possible to "reverse disown" your immediate family (mother/father). It would be a very harsh thing to do, but it may be the only thing that keeps you from being dragged down into a potential economic morass.