Comment by ordinaryperson | Hacker News Reader

Comment by ordinaryperson | Hacker News Reader

Two years ago I got on the NYC subway, the 3 train, headed to work near Columbus Circle, and after a few recent arguments (people stepping on my feet, accidentally dumping water on me) I'd resolved to be more zen during the crowded morning rush hour. I'd just read this article (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2960791/Commuter-swe...) that morning about a guy who said FU to a commuter, only to be interviewed by him later that day, and I said, I have to be more tolerant on the subway.

Anyway, I sat in the last seat reading a book when, at Chambers St, a large middle-aged white woman sat down next to me and elbowed me in the stomach -- hard. Dude on her right immediately got up, wanting no part of it, and she slid over, taking up both seats, then proceeded to mutter profanity at me. "F'ng a----. Motherf----er." etc etc.

Not even sure why she was mad at me, I guess she wanted more room, but I was on the end and I'm relatively skinny (32" waist, FWIW) so I'm not sure what the beef was. Just crazy, I guess.

Normally I would angrily confront a stranger who just punched me in the stomach and started swearing at me for no good reason but I thought, "Hey, I just resolved a few hours ago to be zen on the subway, am I going to break my new resolution on the first day?"

Fast-forward through the rest of the subway ride, I said and did nothing while she kept muttering profanity (and staring right at me). We got off at the same stop but I grabbed a beverage while she went her way.

Five minutes later I entered the lobby of my office and there she was. She turned around, saw me, and went white. as. a. ghost. I was worried I'd have to call 911.

Turns out she was a contractor who had just started at my company that week, and her direct boss was a good friend of mine.

My friend didn't fire her (right away, anyway) b/c she needed the help and just found the story funny but they did end up terminating her two months later because (surprise surprise) she had an anger problem. They actually waited for her to leave for the day, then called her and told her not to come back in b/c they were afraid of what she'd do in person.

Moral of the story: don't get into commute rage fights. They're not worth it! And you never know who you're getting into a fight with. Be nice to people on the subway.

My father was a teenager walking to a job interview and tried to hitch a ride. He called someone an asshole for not picking him up. When he got to the job, that person owned the shop.

I think he actually still got the job.

Plus you will be filmed and put on YouTube if the confrontation lasts more than a moment. This alone is enough to inhibit me.

Another reason to go Zen is that it does not get you there quickly if you go all confrontational on someone.

As a cyclist I never get into altercations but others do. I wonder how it will work out for them the next day when the road has to be shared again.

I've heard from a few cyclists about people they cycled with who got into pretty violent fist fights with some people, some even had to call an ambulance after that.

My suggestion is to always apologize even if you're not in the wrong, because getting into fights, or even angry, for silly things like that is not worth it.

One time I was biking behind a man who flipped off a pickup truck after it did something inconsiderate on the road. Then driver of the truck tried to ram him and almost succeeded. That really brought home to me that there are contexts where expressing your anger can be really counter productive, no matter how justified it is.

Yes actually that was kind of how I learned, a van driver angry at me cutting up a learner driver. I had merely scooted down the inside of the learner driver's car at the lights, but I had actively thought beforehand about whether to do so and I thought it better the driver cope with real world cyclists and we do get to the 'bike box' at the front (UK roads).

So van driver took offence and chased me at high speed down a dual carriageway and on the bike/pedestrian path. I had to swap to the fast lane to get traffic between myself and the van, plus I pulled a calf muscle and had to put my feet up for a fortnight. Oh, I also had to take a different route to work.

I hadn't been the one with 'road rage', however I was riding quickly and I had put myself before a more needy road user when I could have held back. Why Mr Van Driver decided to boil over about it I will never know, but he had quite a posse in the van and they were having great fun throwing things at me. Maybe they routinely got a kick out of beating up cyclists, making a sport of it.

It is extraordinary what moves you consider safe to make on a bicycle in fast moving traffic when there is a van trying to kill you. The game of 'Frogger' seemed to offer greater life expectancy.

Having seen the darkside of confrontation I really saw no reason why anyone would want to do anything at all that could incite a genuine road rage incident such as what I had been subjected to. Absolute terror, but at the same time extremely thrilling as I did manage to deftly manoeuvre my bike to get bollards or vehicles between myself and the van of doom in ways you really need the adrenaline for.

Incidentally I escaped by doing a last minute 'cyclist only move' at a roundabout - a sharp right going against traffic to enter an industrial park. I took a few moments to collect myself and gingerly made my journey to work to find myself there very early!

Anyone who would do that has some mental health problems.

That's really weird, best to just avoid and not engage.

EDIT: to anyone who thinks that by 'engaging you're going to help' I suggest you're probably wrong. Someone randomly punching others, staring at them and shouting profanities is not going to be 'convinced' of anything, especially in that state. Also I'll double down and say that anyone that does that has a problem that needs addressing. That is way outside the bounds of 'I'm having a bad day' or 'In a bad mood' or 'I was triggered' etc..

I once tried to engage in a ‘Deepak Chopra’ way and asked if the person (15-17 year kid) needed any help, and started offering unsolicited advice about staying calm and being friendly to people. The situation escalated pretty quickly to the point he went crazy on the entire subway car and started using profanity against anyone who even looked at him. Note to myself: don’t engage. World is not the same as what you see in movies or tv shows.

I am generally on your side of the argument. Non the less. There is this voice inside my head that asks, if by not countering such antisocial behaviour we send the signal that this behaviour actually is ok.

When people learn that they get what they want by acting as assholes, why should they change?

In Germany we had a saying that it takes a whole village to raise a child. But these days if you tell a anti-social kid on the train to be more civil the parent tends to scold you.

If the group on the train could band together, show the kid some love, and actually help him, that would be amazing. Unfortunately, "countering" behavior in these situations often involves a kind of adversarial mentality that just pushes the real problem deeper. The same action taken out of love versus enmity can lead to vastly different outcomes.

Having now spent some time in a proper city, I'm pretty well in agreement with this. Though I often find it's more of a shocking display less often than it's actually violent. It's a tough thing to pinpoint in people though. Is this person going to be violent or are they just dealing with a voice in their head? More often than not, when I've spoken with these people it's been an amicable interaction and they're just dealing with their situation. This would likely be different if I weren't trying to treat them as an equal—which they are—and instead attempting to give them "advice" or confronting them.

For those who think otherwise, try putting yourself in someone else's place. What would it be like if heroin was the only thing silencing the voice in your head telling you to kill yourself or others? What if the system that aids you alternative ways of dealing with that condition was non-existent? What if all those things are true, but also your family is dead or has abandoned you?

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