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Comment by nilkn | Hacker News Reader

During one of the happier periods of my life, I lived by myself in a small but very nice apartment. I had a girlfriend, but we didn't live together. We'd hang out on the weekends a lot and maybe one weeknight out of the work week.

I really found this to be an excellent balance. I had a space that I was proud of and had complete control over, eliminating entire categories of possible conflicts in life. I had plenty of time for my own pursuits. I was in a very meaningful relationship. I went into the weekends excited to see people, and I went into the workweek feeling socially fulfilled and ready to be productive.

This is a very difficult balance to maintain. Indeed, it's almost impossible. Most relationships either end or progress to the point of living together. In fact, most folks would say there's something "wrong" with a relationship if the couple has been together for years but chooses not to live together.

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I think I do need more human interaction than I've sometimes gotten, but what you described really sounds pretty nice. I seem to get worn out from too much alone time and from too much socializing, but get worn out faster from socializing.

A few years ago I decide to try out the whole digital nomad lifestyle thing. I was able to see lots of interesting places, but what I didn't account for was how much of an introvert I am. Most of the celebrity nomad travelers seem to be pretty outgoing and I couldn't figure out where they were finding all of these people they met.

Part of it might have been my strange preference for colder climates, but I spent an entire month in Vilnius Lithuania without talking to hardly anyone. The language barrier probably didn't help either. My time was spent riding the bus, wandering the city, and working in coffee shops.

I've read accounts of other people who had experiences like this and how much they hated it, and while it was sometimes lonely, I do think I learned quite a bit about myself from the experience. Spending so much time alone meant a lot of time to think and reflect, and I think I was able to figure out some things about myself and work on bad habits that people who have lots of other people in their lives might not get a chance to or might not think about.

Some people just need more or less human interaction than others. There is a really good book called Quiet by Susan Cain that is a defense of introversion that was really helpful for me.

I have lived with my girlfriend for around 5 years, but recently took a job in a different city. I have been living away during the week and it has been very much as you describe. I'm not sure she sees it that way though.

That's tough and tricky because you could be honest about it (the healthy way of doing things) but you probably haven't been up front about how liberating it all feels because sometimes the truth can hurt. I feel for you. Maybe go over it a few dozen times in your own head until you come up with a bulletproof way to bring it up without demonstrating that you two being apart is your goal.

I don't think he was asking for advice. Ha. To your points, being honest is important, being sensitive and not rubbing something hurtful in is also important. Some times you can share your excitement, sometimes you need to share your feelings without your excitement.

I've been married for 14 years.

After periods off social and asocial life, I feel that there's a part of your mind that needs alter(s) (as opposed to ego/self), if that part is satisfied (baby, girlfriend) you won't need much socialization. If you don't have alter, the ego can be your main motivation. I've gone very long periods alone because I was happy doing something I enjoyed for me (music, cs, whatever). But, this may be detrimental at some point, I think whether we admit/want it or not, the alter/social part of our brains needs to be refilled. For instance, even though I was bored, anxious and somehow hated (as in sitting in a corner waiting for an hour at one point) attending some birthday a few years ago, the morning after I woke up a little happier; I don't think it's unrelated.

> *Most relationships either end or progress to the point of living together.

Especially if you're going to have children.

...and unplanned pregnancies are more common than people think.

Just curious, how old were you during this period, and how old are you know?

Separate beds!

honestly, after intercourse i prefer if her sweaty body wasnt wrapped around mine during the night when I'm trying to sleep

That's literally the least important aspect of that situation.

What is the issue with living with someone that people fear?... It is being smothered and losing personal space and freedom. Separate bed(rooms) treats the issue for 8 hours of the day. It's helpful more than the initial evaluation might suggest. It works on a physocological level having the option of going to bed early alone.

I understand that JG Ballard lived apart from his partner of 40 years.

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