A therapist’s guide to staying productive when depressed or heartbroken
qz.com
qz.com
So you could pair with someone who will drive you around for a while. It could be a friend or someone you hire. Esp. important if you're a freelancer...
Helps productivity, or helps not feeling bad?
The amount of alcohol required increases with time, so productivity continues downward at an ever growing pace.
so, so, so much time to make awesome shit. good luck getting through it all. <3
I really can't do/study anything as of this moment. I tried doing CMU Advance Database Course, printed out a lot of research articles and it feels like I am staring at the screen/paper.
Dating is hard as well. I registered on match.com the other week, but all the women look very unattractive, even a very-very attractive ones. (I was genuinely surprised by the number of single 30-40 YO women, many of them are divorced and have kids.)
Get an ok or ugly one. They aren’t in as high demand so less likely they will leave you. More importantly the benefit of a hot wife is far less than that detriment of her destroying you.
And when you think about it, it actually makes sense. Sure, attractive people have it easier in a lot of ways, and the 'bubble' is a real thing. So perhaps, maybe, there's some correlation between attraction and competence or work ethic or whatnot.
But I'd argue that being bullied, ignored, ostracized, and so on, is a much more likely source of being 'terrible', or unstable, or unpleasant than being coddled a bit more than others.
That said I would argue that the 'safest' person to date, if you're going to account for looks, is the average-looking person who feels comfortable with being average-looking. Ideally about as average as oneself.
It's very hard and I have "started over" so many times that the energy that you get from that is starting to wear off which is almost more scary. I am starting to feel that I really need some sort of lucky break from the universe or I will never move on. Which is scary because I am not very spiritual and I don't really believe that is likely to happen. But I carry on because I wouldn't know what else to do anyway.
Entire ordeal sounds like some evil plot to destroy me. My older friends, who went through divorces, were shocked and said this by far nastiest break-up they heard about.
That said, I highly recommend you speak to a therapist. There are things you are doing to attract these personalities and it's important to recognize it so you don't find yourself in the same situation in the future.
Also, read this book immediately: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1442238321
While alcohol can help in the short term, you should be wary of it long term. If possible, the best solution is a mid-term geographic move. Just getting out of the environment tied to your memories and the emotions will seem less hurtful.
Sounds like she's sadistically tormenting you... awful. do all you can to put distance between you and her.
and do anything at all that helps you feel OK, even if it's just whistling a tune. Just so you don't feel get snared in guilt, or rumination, as if there were an external expectation that you should feel like "it's my responsibility to remember that I have all these reasons that justify my misery".
Don't feel bad about not knowing that your fantasy would become a nightmare. There was no way you would have known.
But make sure to still have fantasies, though of course now for a very different future. Your future was not cursed just because she destroyed your relationship (and fantasies of its future).
Sure, our fantasies may merely be imaginary. But people crucially depend upon their fantasies nonetheless. They are the only way many of us attain a feeling that we have a real connection with the real world, and things feel better when you release old ones that are no longer viable, and find new ones, too.
as for finding new fantasies for meaning, media (like movies, books, TV shows, music, etc.) aren't all that bad for letting you 'uncover' the covers on top of your own desires, when the story resonates with you strongly.
Have you seen a therapist? Or have you been talking to anyone in your life about what you've been through?
Get a dog of your own - not to spite your ex though. You'll have to invest a lot of effort in a dog but you'll be rewarded with loyalty and improved sensitivity and intuition. Not a dog person? Neither was I until stumbled across a starving mangy animal that turned out to be the best friend I've ever had. Shelters are full of dogs that have been betrayed and abandoned. Working breeds (on the larger side) are more even-tempered, intelligent, and loyal which is exactly what's missing in your life right now. I'd suggest an adult rather than a puppy if you haven't had one before, as you'll make a lot of mistakes in the first year.
On the plus side, it does get better.
And I know the lingering stomach-churning attachment you describe. All too well : (
My hope is that when that (chemical?) fixation subsides you'll have a huge example of why she isn't a good partner that your rational, non-animal mind to latch onto.
It gets better though. To the point where eventually you'll look back and wonder how the hell you gave this person even a moment of your life. But time alone won't fix it.
It's hard at first, but try to go easy on the alcohol, even when the pain seems unbearable. "You got to feel it to heal it." Don't know where this came from originally, and it sounds hokey, but it's so true.
Find a good therapist, ideally one familiar with the devastation that Cluster B personality disorders cause, but NOT someone that treats them. This is super important. There are a surprising number of PD apologists and therapists who suffer from a PD themselves out there. Find someone that recognizes the abuse you suffered and is supportive and encouraging.
And finally, cut this emotional vampire out of your life completely. 100% no contact. Every letter, email, voice mail, text, etc. straight to the trash. You will never, ever, ever get closure from her. The fantasy you have of that moment when she realizes that she was wrong and that you truly loved her, that she threw away the best relationship she'll ever have, where she tells you what she was thinking when she did all of these things, and she finally hears what you've been saying in a million different ways as things started to unravel...it's truly a fantasy, just like the relationship, and just like she was. She is a young child in the body of an adult. She has nothing to offer that can help you to heal. That's got to come from inside you.
And while you're working through all the emotional shit from your ex, take some time to consider other people in your life. People who wind up in abusive relationships usually have an issue with boundaries and this attracts others just as fucked up as the first PD individual that caused all this turmoil in the first place. Think about how others make you feel and trust your gut. If you feel on edge around someone all the time, listen to this feeling.
Good luck, man. You can totally do this. Sending positive thoughts your way :)
But I came to realize that the woman I love is in my heart only, and doesn't exist in the real word. My real world ex is cold hearthed, chose to dump her own family. The woman in my heart was really nice. But realize that she doesn't exist.
So maybe if you try to see the woman in your heart as separate from the real world one (which seems to be some psychotic bitch), you can move a step further away.
I'm sure the woman in your hearth wouldn't do all the things that your ex is doing.
Try to stay away from the bottle, and build up your life with the things you do have. Everything is temporary anyway, so enjoy the nice moments you have.
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What she did to you was abuse. The sooner you understand that, the sooner you can start healing. I don't give a damn about what happened in her life that caused it, because the important thing is that you understand that you were abused.
I think you already do, although maybe not in as many words.
She deliberately destroyed your relationship in the most vindictive and painful way she could. Everything you've mentioned here appears designed to cause you as much pain as possible - and the fact that you're feeling this strongly (or poorly) means she's won this round. I wouldn't have fared any better in your place.
The game isn't over yet, and this round is going to take a lot longer than the first. You've got some win conditions you need to satisfy if you want to come out of this in good shape:
Get help from a suitable abuse counselor. This is the most important thing you can do, because it leads into the rest of your life. Do me a favor, and if you don't find one tonight, find one tomorrow. Don't even think about it, just do it.
Don't allow alcohol (or other drugs) to be your vent. This might sound silly, but take up a hobby well outside your comfort zone. Perhaps painting, singing, ballroom dance, fencing, or sculpting. The more friendly people you can be around, the better off you'll be. Please stay away from alcohol, it's not a crutch and won't help. Go and chat with AA, if you find that you can't. The people at those meetings will be able to support you through that.
Start to give a damn about yourself. Not everyone is out to betray you and hurt you, but this is something you'll have to relearn. Nobody who understands will hold it against you. I wouldn't.
You've been somewhat lucky, believe it or not, in that this happened before you ended up married and with a baby. Don't doubt that I'm horrified by her vindictive actions, or how selfish she was. I've seen first hand what happens when someone lived a similar hell, but got married anyway. I watched my father grow old as he was unable get on with his life after a similar sort of betrayal.
But this is about you. What happened to you was unfair, and a terrible trauma, no doubt about that. Right now please do yourself, your family and friends, your colleagues, and your future wife a favor: get counseling.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy
Drugs: Fuck that seratonin zombie bullshit! Try smoking some cannabis instead of drinking next time. I personally also have this theory that ayahuasca can cause ego-busting outlook shifts for people with everything from alcoholism to ptsd, but there hasn't been enought science done on the subject yet and I can't speak anecdotally because I haven't been able to afford the trip down to Peru. Other drugs with potential positive effects on ptsd/anxiety/depression are MDMA, peyote, morning glory, and salvia divinorum. Of course do your own research and consult a doc if you intend do any of this.
It's a crime that so many potential medicines are illegal.
I appreciate your general message though.
There's a single clinic offering ketamine for depression. http://www.oxfordhealth.nhs.uk/service_description/ketamine-...
One thing I would add, which I've seen around here and other places, is the "no zero days" rule. Do at least one thing everyday to work towards your goal. Not only does this help instill discipline, it helps you prevent the snowball effect of having a bad day.
Even if it's not directly related to depression I highly recommend "The Power of Habit".
Establishing habits I in advance know is good for me helped my when I go through my unproductive and depressed periods. Focus on establishing one habit and doing it every day. When you've gone 21 days straight start with a new habit.
Guess that's what this whole "weekend" notion was all about in the first place! =)
Bright light, sleep, and exercise.
Light: get bright light to wake you up, experience bright light during the day (preferably sunlight), if you're having trouble sleeping, disconnect from any screens at least an hour before a scheduled time to sleep. Don't set up yourself in a dark closed-window living environment.
Sleep: ahead of time, schedule times when you should be asleep and awake, always be trying to keep to this schedule. Stay out of the bedroom outside of these hours.
Exercise: whether it's walking around the block, going to the gym, or hiking up a mountain, do what you can to exert yourself every day. It helps with the light and the sleep.
These three things won't fix your problems but they will make everything better even if you can only improve them a little.
The people I've known who have had the biggest problems with mental illness were the ones who wore their diagnoses like a badge and used these sorts of 'no true Scotsman' arguments to isolate themselves.
To put a finer point on it, if you want evidence behind my "platitudes" mountains of scientific literature can be found reinforcing the benefits of sleep, light, and exercise and their effects on depression.
Let's pick exercise. Here's a cochrane collaboration review:
http://www.cochrane.org/CD004366/DEPRESSN_exercise-for-depre...
> Exercise is moderately more effective than no therapy for reducing symptoms of depression.
That's your "mountain of evidence"? It's moderately better than fuck all?
No, that's the conclusion. There's mountains of evidence indicating it's moderately better than fuck all. And there is, really, if a review of 39 studies reaches this conclusion.
Same goes for other physical factors like sleep, light, diet. They each contribute a bit. As can medication, therapy, healthy relationships.
> The reviewers also note that when only high-quality studies were included, the difference between exercise and no therapy is less conclusive.
People think exercise works. When you test it you find some evidence it works unless you do a good test, and then it doesn't look like it does anything more than doing nothing.
This is important - suicide is a leading cause of death, and people who don't know what they're talking about should stop telling people with a potentially fatal illness to "go for a jog".
> Our review suggested that exercise might have a moderate-sized effect on depression, but because of the risks of bias in many of the trials, the effect of exercise may only be small. We cannot be certain what type and intensity of exercise may be effective, and the optimum duration and frequency of a programme of exercise. There are few data on whether any benefits persist after exercise has stopped.
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/14651858.CD004366...
My personal takeaway is that based on this review, which is more pessimistic than prior reviews, we have confidence that exercise has a small effect, and if the data were better we might be able to say it had a moderate effect.
I'm in the Pacific NW, fall/winter/spring is coming.. :(
I was in a multi month rut that I only crawled out of through therapy and understanding how to actually care about myself.
As much as I know that I'd be better at handling the situation after having experience now, the sheer awfulness of having to run a business while feeling heartbroken turns me off from wanting another relationship. I guess I understand now why so many entrepreneurs I know have messy love lives.
I'm sorry that happened but you shouldn't treat it as an insurmountable problem. If you're just 20, your body isn't even completely done growing and you're also relatively inexperienced in dealing with intense emotions. You'll always bear the scars of the pain you felt from this relationship breaking up, and have regrets about whatever parts of it were caused by you, but you can and will heal. Being willing to accept help through therapy and reassess yourself means you're already a long way towards that.
Be careful of the hesitancy to get into another relationship - a natural doubt, but one that can stiffen into a 'reaction-formation' is taken too far. It's certainly tempting (especially when you're younger) to just date casually for social and sexual companionship, but if you systematically avoid relationships then undertaking and sustaining new ones will be more difficult, and as you get older the frustrations and loneliness that can result will weigh increasingly heavy and result in bitterness.
It may help to think of relating to others as a skill to be developed and continuously improved rather than as an achievement to be unlocked (which is way overstressed in media and marketing). A pet animal can help a lot with that. The obligations involved impose a sort of emotional discipline on you, but the rewards are unbounded as animals are generous with their affections. If you end up with a dog it will also improve your social life - people are well-disposed to the owner of a happy dog, and it also makes small talk much easier.
In that vein - shameless plug:
I've been working on a service (www.campfire.care) to build peer support groups for any focus. Groups of 5-10 people with the same issue meet regularly via video and stay connected via chat.
The idea is that we are fundamentally social creatures, and struggling with a challenge alone is unhealthy. It is not therapy or a replacement for therapy. But peer support can be effective + inexpensive.
And being part of a true peer group can provide a kind of value that professional mental health can't. You can't be friends with you therapist, and their job is not to truly empathize with you.
Would love any thoughts / feedback!
But sure, if you're just bummed out by life's latest trial, then reach into the standard bag of little tricks.
The gold standard talking therapy - cognitive behaviour therapy - is also moderately effective. England is running a huge uncontrolled experiment, and their numbers are available here: http://www.content.digital.nhs.uk/catalogue/PUB23831
> This statistical release makes available the most recent Improving Access to Psychological Therapies (IAPT) monthly and quarterly data, including activity, waiting times, and outcomes such as recovery.
> IAPT is run by the NHS in England and offers NICE-approved therapies for treating people with depression or anxiety.
> Key facts
> In January 2017 there were:
> • 126,297 new referrals
> • 85,001 referrals entered treatment
> • 45,897 referrals finished a course of treatment, of which:
> • 90.2 per cent waited less than 6 weeks and 98.7 per cent waited less than 18 weeks to enter treatment
> • 42,729 started treatment at caseness, with 50.1 per cent moving to recovery
Depression is likely to be an umbrella term covering different forms of illness. "Actually depressed" will include people who have reactive depression. It will also include people with depression that responds well to lifestyle changes, but not so well to medical intervention.
If I had to guess why, it's because we don't have a good model for what depression really is and why it happens.