"Umm, hey there...me again. You still haven't tried Safari? What's wrong? Want me to launch it for you?"
"Ok, this is getting a little awkward. We worked pretty hard making Safari, and you won't even try it? I'm trying to not be insulted here, but you're not making it easy."
"Listen motherfucker. You know that Keychain thing that you don't really pay much attention to. Well, I control that. If you want to see your Gmail password again, try motherfucking Safari. Clicky clicky, you lazy fuck."
And the "please use iCloud..."
On cars we used to call them "guilt buttons" for plastic shaped like buttons on the dashboard for options you didn't purchase.
I've found a way to get rid of the update notifications, though: click "details", which opens the app store with a list of your pending updates. As long as you leave that open, the notification won't reappear.
Still annoying, though.
Alternately, you can totally disable notification center via the terminal: http://osxdaily.com/2012/08/06/disable-notification-center-r...
I don't think there's a way to move them, unfortunately. Or to disable just the update notifications, beyond just disabling auto-download for them.
I also never get notifications about updates. No workarounds needed.