Ask HN: Socially very rusty .. how to fix things ? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: Socially very rusty .. how to fix things ?

Hello HN'ers,

Recently I realized that during the past couple of years, due to various reasons (working a lot/ working remotely/working at places where I hated my job and was perenially bored/didn't want to talk to co-workers most of the time, etc,) I didn't have much face-to-face human interaction. Also, due to being very unhappy at work, I didn't feel like doing anything and that affected my personal life leading to little social interaction there. As a result, I have lost almost all my social skills.

Now, I find myself in a position where I am hesitant to talk to people and am afraid of social situations. This creates a vicious cycle where I don't get out much, which only serves to make the situation worse.

Have you been in a similar situation ? How did you get out of it ? Any advice for me ? How can I get a normal social life ?

Many thanks!

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Personally I find that being comfortable in my location really helps. As in I can be one charming man when I am at home, or at this coffee shop I always visit - but less so in new places.

Another thing I've noticed is how much easier it is to talk to someone once you've seen them trip up somehow (like forgetting a word or dropping their phone), I guess it's to do with perceiving status relative to your own. And it's only a matter of time before that person who seems intimidating does something silly/humanizing, see if you can wait it out.

Also look out you don't make things worse while you try to make them better, jumping in too deep too fast and panicking can play havoc with your fight or flight response - don't accidentally condition yourself to run by packing up and leaving every time the bar gets crowded or something. Try riding it out instead (at least just once).

All of this comes from my experiences moving from highschool, where I had gotten into a rut, to university where I had to start over. And from talking to some family friends who work as counselors. As always take random internet advice like my own with a grain of salt.

Goodluck!

find social situations where you can bond over shared interests or things ... e.g., if you're really into Linux IT or something, then find local Linux IT meet-ups. you have a lot better chance bonding with people over shared interests than simply trying to chat up strangers at a bar or university

EDIT: or get involved in activities involving other people, but without an explicit goal of socializing. e.g., doing volunteer work to help out in your local community. the socializing opportunities will naturally arise, since you and your co-volunteers will be able to bond over your shared experiences of doing good for others. and in the worst-case, even if you don't mesh well with these people, at least you will still have succeeded in donating your time to do some good

Put yourself though a socializing boot camp. Go out and force yourself into awkward and uncomfortable social situations. Put a couple hours a day into practicing conversation skills. Try to get strangers to be genuinely interested in you.

While you are doing this, be aware of the type of self-talk that you engage in and be sure to keep yourself pumped up with positive feelings. Smile and assure yourself of your desirability and confidence.

Practice, practice, practice, and don't make any excuses.

Where are these bootcamps?

It's a regimen that you need to apply yourself. It's good to keep in mind that, so long as you don't do anything totally outrageous, there is really no possibility of physical harm by going out and trying to socialize. You might get a bit of a bruised ego, but it's all part of learning.

I agree with this except for the part where you recommend pumping yourself up with positive feelings. I think if you're pumping yourself up you might be out of your league for the time being.

To the OP:

The answer to your questions: 1. Yes. 2. Structured Practice 3. Don Juan Boot Camp (see below) 4. Don't settle for the life you have, strive for the life you want.

I recommend that you think of it as trying to learn to ride a bike. First its big wheels, then tricycles, then a bike with training wheels, then no training wheels, then a bike with gears and handbrakes, then a bike with aero bars or suspension, then some singletrack races, then some downhill races, then ...

You're going get sore muscles, wreck and skin your knees, and maybe bump you're elbows a few times but you don't want to ride on roads until you can handle everything on the bike like its second nature. Once you've got basic roads down you can move to busy roads, then city biking...

The Don Juan Boot Camp is a structured set of exercises that is designed to take a person from being a shut-in to a pick up artist in 8 weeks. Even if you don't want to become a pick up artist, I do think there is a lot of value in the first four weeks exercises which are basically designed to get a person out of their shell gracefully and safely while learning to talk with and interact with strangers. I'm not sure that it can make a person a pick up artist or if that's a thing to strive for but it does help meet girls and interact with strangers only because you go from talking to them 0 times per month to multiple times per day.

An easy way to start is start asking at least one clerk at every store you go in normally how their day is going and then ask a follow up question. Each time you visit. Be polite. Smile. They mostly have to be nice and polite to you and you should expect it to be safe, emotionally speaking.

Then start DJBC http://www.jbspencer.com/djb/Downloads/djbc.pdf and stop when you're interacting like you'd like.

Carnegies "How to win friends" could be of help. It's something every engineer should read.

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