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Comment by callesgg | Hacker News Reader

What where the rational ways that worked for you. What did you screen?

Can I talk with her for long periods of time? And if we don't talk, is it awkward? Do we have the similar goals? Do we have the same family values? Do we have an understanding for each others hobbies? Do I like the family I marry into (which was a bit complicated by the fact that her family lives in Iran, I first had to go there visit them)? Do we both want to develop or does she want to stand still? Do we share a similar interest for the world? Can I stand our differences (our main difference is that I definitively like to socialize more with people I don't know while she is rather introvert)? Can I be honest? Don't I want to have an affair? Can we resolve conflicts fast (in a former relationship it took a week, which killed me)? Do we like to eat similar stuff (imagine a vegan and a fast food junkie glued together...)? Can I stand her voice? (I actually first fell in love with her voice which surprising as I am very much guided by hearing sense)

Many of those thoughts I had. Quite simple stuff at times. I had two years two think it all through, see how she behaves in everday life. So at the day of the wedding, I knew I got the best I can get.

There is always a partner to find that can be more attractive, more intelligent, better at XYZ. But when you've done your due dilligence, all the boxes are ticked in a way you are ok with it, you have found the partner you really need.

Much of that can be summed up in the classic adage, "marry your best friend," someone that you really enjoy hanging out with in any setting.

I totally agree with that. The parent comment contains the detailed description of, "marry your best friend."

And you can make checklist from that, to measure how "best friend" is your partner.

I feel like what's missing from this though is sexual attraction - you are not necessarily attracted to your best friend. If there's no spark, it's just a close friendship. At least to me there is a distinct difference.

I understand it like it's all on top of sexual attraction.

But wait, doesn't that mean you're already in their "friend zone"? :)

If they have a friend zone it's because they are using other criteria to select a partner.

> Do I like the family I marry into (which was a bit complicated by the fact that her family lives in Iran, I first had to go there visit them)?

Curious about this one, esp given the distance. My family lives in multiple states, and I estimate at best 5-6 days with a 50% chance of seeing some of them in a year. And if I was married and had kids, I'd drop that guess to about 25%.

There has been a related post realizing the relatively small amount of time we have with our parents.

It seems, that particularly with parents living in a different region of the world, that your need to like the family is limited.

If the family is accessible I've found this to be a wonderful proxy for compatibility. Is their family structure how you'd like yours? Do you get along with and easily make friends with other family members?

It's a good sign if your personality is compatible with the family and their way of life is what you're looking for.

It's of my top indicators, I've rarely found people that strayed very far from their family in personality, hobbies, and life outlook.

> I've rarely found people that strayed very far from their family in personality, hobbies, and life outlook.

In my experience, that's generally true except for people who moved to a different country at a relatively young age (or just after high school) and stayed in that country. So in the case of OP, if her family lives in Iran and she's in the US, it's likely she has a very different life outlook and cultural view than her family.

I suspect that people who move far from their family of origin are, on average, less compatible with their family. If you are generally compatible with your family and like being around them you're more likely to prioritize living near them when making life decisions.

>Curious about this one, esp given the distance. My family lives in multiple states, and I estimate at best 5-6 days with a 50% chance of seeing some of them in a year. And if I was married and had kids, I'd drop that guess to about 25%.

Interestingly, every single one of not unsuccessful marriages/long term relationships that I know of has "extended family" compatibility in common.

It can be extremely hard on someone if their parents don't approve of their spouse or vice versa, regardless of the amount of time everyone is in the same room. They can be emotionally torn apart, especially if either the spouse or a parent is manipulative or unyielding.

We met at 10 years old and are getting married at 24. When we really started dating three years ago, about a month in we did a spreadsheet of ~270 questions about how we wanted to live. We blindly answered so as to not concede or compromise in our answers. VLOOKUP and merge answers. 90% of them are basically identical. The remaining 10% are completely predictive of current and perhaps future points of disagreement and contention. All around it worked infinitely better than prior relationships. We assumed since we had been friends for so long that we could just build the love part. The byproduct of that has been growth mindset around resolving issues and making decisions that makes us extremely effective at helping each other achieve our goals and get our needs met by the relationship. I think a good litmus test for a relationship is how safe you feel talking about long term issues and resolving points of contention. If it just seems normal, invest there. If it is extremely hard to raise those issues, don't.

Would you care to share what kind of questions if you still have them?

> about a month in we did a spreadsheet of ~270 questions about how we wanted to live.

Would you be willing to share this spreadsheet?

http://www.connact.com/~hom/blog/276questions.htm

Thanks for posting it. Some interesting questions. Needs to be updated a bit, looks like it was created 15 years ago.

For me, after two weeks, we sat down together and discussed the "big questions" in our life to make sure we were compatible. We were at the tail end of our undergraduate degrees at the time. e.g., How many children we wanted, our general career paths, where we wanted to live, stance on religion (particularly with how that relates to children) and probably more stuff that I can't remember. Neither of us wanted to waste much time, so we wanted to know if there were any deal-breakers before going much further.

Almost 8 years later, and we're happily married. :-)

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