How to Stop Apologizing for My Stutter, and Other Important Lessons | Hacker News Reader

How to Stop Apologizing for My Stutter, and Other Important Lessons

longreads.com

102 pointssamclemens55 comments

Stutterer here. Was in speech therapy for a long time as a child; my sister actually became a speech therapist b/c of that experience. It will always be a challenge (I'm 37 now), and it seems to rear its ugly head at random times not necessarily tied to stress. Two nights ago I made my first ever best man speech in front of about 150+ people and I maybe stammered once during the 5 or so minutes. Felt amazing and I had people asking me if I was a standup comic or spoke professionally. They have no clue the daily mental gymnastics I perform to master the stuttering.

I should note that I've had to give many, many, many presentations in many different business environments (in front of my companies, pitching investors, new biz pitches, etc.) and I learned a long time ago that confidence is crucial. Almost every time I practiced the best man speech I stuttered quite often, and almost on the same words every time. But come game time, it almost always goes smoothly. Always found that a bit odd. Maybe I just get into sort of flow states and just roll with it.

Can you share some techniques? I've found the opposite.. Come game time on the phone especially, it is difficult. I stutter frequently and block for long extended periods.

For one, breathe. Before, during, after. Breathe. Settle yourself (I meditate daily as well). Personally, I think I get caught up when I try to read word for word scripts, so I always give myself a general blueprint of what I want to say but allow myself room for improv. I also tend to do my practice speeches way faster than the real ones, which I also think is the opposite of what most people experience. I pause a lot (and, again, breathe) during speeches, let things sink in for both the audience and myself. That's about it. Oh, I try to get everyone laughing early on. It settles the nerves in almost any situation.

Hi! Fellow stutterer here :) Since university, my stutter got a lot better, especially when explaining things, or when talking with friends, but I still struggle a lot at counters or in interviews. I've been seeing a psychologist lately (speech therapy didn't help) and he adviced me to practice daily reading aloud and meditating, the goal being letting the brain do the talking without thinking about it or intervening/struggling . Do you follow any similar daily routine? Any exercises to advice?

I make it a point to talk to a stranger at least once a day. The person in line in front of me, the barista, store clerk, whomever. It has helped me tremendously. Meditation is also great.

Thanks. That's a good idea. Even getting comfortable talking to baristas would be a big accomplishment

I wonder if Toastmasters could help. I don't stutter but I am painfully shy so giving speeches was always a nightmare. After giving a few speeches at Toastmasters I simply didn't care anymore and did OK speeches without too much stress.

Try making a few calls before the important one to break the ice a bit. Another trick is to start the conversation in an unconventional way, so you don't have time to predict what you're going to say (and anticipate the blocking).

What really worked for me was to force myself to _never_ replace words and to accept that I will stutter at times.

I also have a silly trick for overcoming a prolongation. When I'm stuck, I voice the first sound of the word, then take a short silent rest, and continue with the rest of the word. For instance, "f...ailure". Knowing that I can plough through any prolongation and still be understood has reduced them tremendously and lowered my anxiety. I'm not saying this trick will work for everyone, and I haven't seen it in any of the books.

Unlike the author, I think there's nothing wrong with apologizing for a stutter. That's a useful tactic because it brings the issue out in the open, instead of putting all that effort into hiding it. I'll apologize in advance, just to lower my stress level.

Edit: Renamed block to prolongation.

I think many of us end up reinventing the same techniques through trial and error. I too do a similar technique for blocks.

Completely agree that there's nothing wrong with apologizing for it. It lays it all out instead the other party wondering why you are nervous, or think you are hiding something. Finding the appropriate time to bring it up has always been a challenge. I sometimes will do a fake stutter, and bring it up after that so I have more control of the situation.

I've always wondered if a little alcohol would help here. But I'm so habituated to avoiding these situations I haven't had the opportunity to experiment.

When I am forced to speak to a room full of people it's usually spur of the moment. If I know exactly what I'm talking about, I tend to talk too fast. When I'm unsure of myself or how to phrase things, my stuttering is almost completely debilitating even when I'm controlling my rate of speech. I figure alcohol could help in both situations by keeping me relaxed and more focused.

Alcohol makes it worse.

I've stuttered all my life and still do, far less noticeably now. I've largely overcome it through mental will and practice. Speech therapy teaches you a bunch of tricks and techniques, practice and repetition eventually makes them second-nature. For me, it mostly came to becoming aware what your body is doing during a block -- you're always aware you're having a block, it's harder to notice the tension in specific muscles. Once you learn to recognize it, you can back off for a sec, let the tension dissipate, then approach it again. It's a terribly slow impatient process at first, but just like any skill, you practice it and you get better at it. Eventually you float in and out of Flow state.

It's definitely changed me... like any skill you practice, it makes you far more disciplined. I feel I'm more patient. I do have scars, and it does sometimes come back, but if I was able to largely overcome that through mental effort and determination, a lot of other things feel far less daunting. Builds a sense of resiliency and gumption.

But back to alcohol, it's not just your physical skills that get sloppy, it's your mental skills too. I'll go out for a social drink, but sloppy drunk is reserved only for kareoke. The it-doesn't-happen-while-singing bit is true.

you should try l-theanine and see if that works at all, should give you the calmness of having drank a lot of green tea - without any of the caffeine of green tea and without the toxicity of alcohol

https://examine.com/supplements/theanine/

> I figure alcohol could help in both situations by keeping me relaxed and more focused. reply

I do not stutter; I find that alcohol distorts control and introduces uncertainty - for me it is the opposite of liquid confidence. Alcohol helps to relax, its great for social settings where I can be overly analytic or speak with too much force, but in a debate or speech setting the clarity of mind lets me bring all my faculties to bear.

So in short, I don't find that relaxed and focused is an effect, just relaxed. If that helps with your stuttering then go for it

I'm also a stutterer and the last sentence rings true.

I am a lot better now than I was as a child, but I used to be a master at the art of avoidance and replacement. If I felt I was going to stutter on a given word, I'd replace it with something I felt more confident with. I was constantly evading a ruthless, arbitrary censor, and I'm certain it gave me a greater facility with synonyms, rephrasing, and general linguistic flexibility. I have a natural talent there, but the stutter and my work-arounds made me hone it to a level most people never have to.

Same here with the replacements. Synonyms appear on the fly, even when reading aloud at ''full speed''.

Very similar experience.

I had to preempt the word and then either imagine a synonym or add a long vowel as a launching pad ...."Oh! Blackboard"

I also have a stutter, and I've blogged about being a single founder with it (https://justink.svbtle.com/being-a-founder-with-a-speech-imp...). I've had a speech impediment since I was a kid. I was told I would grow out of it. Still waiting for that to happen. :-)

I've noticed my stuttering has seasons/cycles of worse times, which seem to be tied to stress or anxiety over important calls or meetings. My stuttering has certainly been frustrating and frankly limiting as a founder, since my latest company (https://elasticbyte.net) requires more person-to-person interactions (talking to clients and closing deals).

The singing technique (mysteriously don't stutter when singing), while it is effective, does not work in a business setting. Darn!

Have you ever looked into the valsalva hypothesis around stuttering?

My brother had great trouble pronouncing a certain letter until he moved across tje language and adopted the local dialect.

Suddenly he just started pronouncing it correctly.

Later he was able to use it while speaking normally.

(Mentioning it since it might work better in a business setting. And yes, I think he used to stutter as well but this was many years ago.)

Did you stutter during interviews? If so has it had any impact on whether or not you could obtain employment?

The singing thing is interesting, off the top of my head I can think of a few rappers who stutter but can clearly speak their lyrics in their songs. Maybe it's less about the dynamics of singing and more about focus shifting to a low anxiety activity?

Stutterer here. Answer to both questions in my case: Yes and yes. I had potential employers just hang up the phone rather than wait for me to complete a sentence. I was completely unable to find a job (any job) when I fished undergrad with a 3.7 GPA in mechanical engineering. It was pretty scary at the time; I was convinced I was going to starve.

I know this anxiety and disappointment. Knowing the answers, having the information for potential investors or clients, and completely bombing. It is frustrating indeed. I usually let people (investors, clients, etc) know upfront that I have a stutter, definitely seems to help. I can't believe somebody would just hang up on you though.

I can't believe it either. I wrote a post on how I eventually sorted myself out: http://eyeofthesquid.com/blog/2014/04/25/walking-the-path/

You mention in your post that you found a good speech therapist. Can you share? Were they local?

There is a link to the therapist, Tim Mackesey, in the post. He was local (in Atlanta, GA). I saw him 14-15 years ago, not sure what his practice looks like these days.

Singing uses different neural pathways... sometimes people with speech impacted by a stroke or other injury can actually sing well.

People stutter for different reasons. I had some traumatic bullying when I was in 4-5th grade and developed a severe shyness and stutter as a result. The big switch for me was when a drama teacher encouraged me to look at the foreheads of the audience and focus on the line. Eventually your brain figures out that everybody isn't out there waiting to laugh at your expense and in my case I never stuttered again.

I'm also waiting to grow out of mine :) For me it's worst when talking about something I'm passionate about to a party that may have an opposing view.

The thing that has worked best for me is acceptance. It gets worse when I try to hide it. When I start a conversation I even fake stutter a bit, so periods of real disfluency don't seem as bad in comparison. When I do have a particularly bad moment of disfluency, I just tell the other person that I have a speech impediment, in a humorous way if possible. Being open about it makes things better for both parties. Then you can focus on the content of what you're saying, with less anxiety about the delivery.

For those really bad days, you can use AirPods with a DAF app, though I've yet to try it myself since it goes against the acceptance approach.

I'm also a stutterer. I wish I could share with you the overwhelming shame, humiliation, and ostracism I experienced as a child in my classroom environments. As a result I feel tremendous compassion for others with physical and mental limitations. Speech therapy really helped me help myself, but I still sometimes stutter.

I am a stutterer as well. Yeah I remember the constant humiliation and being made fun of, the bullying. It often included teachers, extended family members, and adults. My parents tried speech therapy, unfortunately, it was the Soviet version, and in their typical irony, they had put the only children's speech pathologist's office in my city, in a mental hospital. So to get to the appointment I had to witness some scary behavior from some of patients. Needless to say we had stopped going there after a while. I always wondered who came up with that setup, someone had a very dark sense of humor.

From an engineering perspective, I wish more technologists researched the intersection of speech and technology. For many who stutter there's a device called the SpeechEasy which is marketed as something to improve fluency, and reduce stuttering. Unfortunately for most it doesn't work, for those that it does work the effect wears off, it costs well over $3,000 for the intro pocket model, and typically not covered by insurance. What does it do? It creates an echo of your voice in your ear. Literally just an echo; the coral effect if you've ever seen The King's Speech. This device could be built off the shelf at a MicroCenter for a couple of hundred dollars. There are all kinds of technology for the disabled that is grossly overpriced, and I really wish technologists investigated them more, and found ways to disrupt these expensive devices.

Loopback microphone input on your smartphone, plug in earphones and you're good to go!

How is that for disruption?

It doesn't exist. Why, I'm not sure. Would you create that app? Maybe make it so that you can use a Bluetooth earpiece or earbuds with an inline mic? That would be really awesome. If you created it and it worked just like the SpeechEasy you could sell it for a few dollars and make good money. It could be a way for potential users to test the effect in the real world before spending $3k+ on the device.

I look forward to your progress!

There are some already. Look for DAF or "delayed auditory feedback" on the play store. It is also trivial to build one with web audio.

Nope. They absolutely cannot be delayed auditory feedback. That disrupts speech. The device must reproduce the chorus effect. [0]

[0] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xw_rVGUXgos

Some of those DAF apps can also apply pitch shifting (which is actually AAF). Provided they work properly, they should be able to provide that choral effect. I am no expert by the way, I've only toyed with those for a few minutes.

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.ad960009.a...

I use this

I'm a stutter too. My condition is a bit special I think. When I'm alone, I don't stutter at all if I think out loud or just read something on the screen, every scary word turns into a piece of cake. But as soon as I realize someone can hear me (even if it's remote like video chat), I start to stutter, pretty badly. I wonder if other people are in the same camp.

I didn't stutter when I was kid until I played with a neighbor kid who did, and it frightened me that I might stutter like him whenever I need to talk. As time progresses, the frightening reinforced, and I never grew out of it. I wonder if it qualifies as classical conditioning?

I also speak other languages, and the severity is different in different languages.

Your condition isn't special. Everyone who stutters doesn't when they are alone. Neurologically, it's a defect in processing external feedback to what we are saying. If no one is listening, there is no feedback.

> When I'm alone, I don't stutter at all if

From a sample of N=2, I can say that's pretty typical ;-)

But to be serious, I don't think that's uncommon.

> I didn't stutter when I was kid until I played with a neighbor kid who did,

Ah interesting. That reminded me that my cousin also stutters and well when we played together, we both got worse after a while. My parents noticed that. I also noticed after I watched or listen some stutter, I'd stutter more. I wonder if that that's why I never really wanted that Kings' Speech movie. I think I maybe be unconsciously afraid of picking it up...

Oh and I also speak other languages too, and have wondered if it that made it worse. That is having to learn two at the same time when I was a child.

As a child I used to stutter when reading aloud to myself. Practicing by reading whole books aloud helped a lot. Some books were more difficult than others, especially those with really weird sentence structure, or really short sentences, which used to get me out of the flow.

With practice, I stopped stuttering when reading aloud altogether, and then even when reading to other people (family members first). Talking to people however it's completely different matter, and it's still hard for me.

I think there's some common difficulty curve. For me, things that became easy with time (even when I've stopped practicing by reading aloud) are, in order: reading aloud to myself, talking with siblings and parents, reading aloud to others, explaining technical matters to friends, talking to younger colleagues, and lately talking to friends, even on the phone.

Talking to strangers is still difficult. I also find it gets harder the more unexpected is what I'm trying to say (for example, saying "sorry, I couldn't hear you, could you repeat that please?" instead of answering a question).

Partially related: there's a /r/Stutter subreddit (which I haven't opened in years), if you want to read about some other people's experiences.

My stutter is minor but definitely rears its ugly head when I'm stressed. Reading aloud also works for me, as well as singing and boisterous conversations (!) I think that rather than confidence (at least for me) the key is to keep the voice going and maintain a normal 'speed' throughout.

Regarding your strangers problem, honestly you're being too harsh to yourself. You won't get judged for asking a question to be repeated!

That's for sure a factor, and I should probably care less about judgement (thanks) although I've mainly attributed my stuttering in those situations to the fact I have to say something unexpected. Other examples are when I need to correct myself (I get stuck in something like a loop of "actually no"), or when I say I need to hang up and call back later. I also often find it difficult to say "goodbye" to people without first acquiring eye contact, or in general to say something to people while they are doing something else and haven't noticed me approaching.

Sigh, yes I can relate to that. Others here mentioned that it's mental gymnastics, and I would add that crucial to the strategy also is to develop a thicker skin to protect yourself. Because the truth is, it'll always stay with you, no matter how hard you try, so it's best to be content with getting embarrassed now! And hey, that's how you learn anyway.

I used to hate answering phone calls. Then one day an admin from my team left and suddenly I had to do customer services too. The first two days was just awful, it's not even worth describing here. By third day, I had mapped out a script to read out from (and my team weirded out). By third week, I'd known the script by heart, and can comfortable say hello without any sweat patches. And now I can take unknown phone calls civilly.

Practice and exposure definitely helps, with a dose of immunity to what others think :)

I've also got a stutter. Been aware of it since I was 11, and done a couple of weeks in speech therapy around that time where I learned some tricks like slowing down my speech, which has helped a lot over the years, especially as I have a tendency to speak fast.

Growing up, I used to be absolutely terrified of answering the phone, though fortunately, not so much anymore. I've been a remote employee for the past couple of years though, with most of my interaction with co-workers being via phone/email/IM, and there have been some moments when my words have got completely stuck on morning stand-up calls or conference calls, which isn't a pleasant feeling.

Equally terrifying was having to read out loud in class, which used to make me break out in cold sweat, or having to introduce myself to people. Strangely enough, I really enjoy reading to my kids nowadays and don't seem to stutter much when doing so.

I've noticed that it usually comes out more when I'm tired or stressed, and on those days, I try and stick to IM or email as much as possible to try and help with communicating, rather than stumbling my way through phone calls.

Being from the UK, but living in the US for 11 years now, one of the things that has helped is being forced to slow down my speech anyway as some people and co-workers struggle with a strong British accent.

I'm more of a covert stutterer though, instead of overt, and I'd guess that many of my colleagues don't even know the mental gymnastics involved to keep it that way, using things like slow speech and word substitution.

One of the things that does still completely suck is social interactions and coming across as awkward, because I always need to think about what I'm going to say, instead of being able to rapidly speak and respond in free-flowing conversation. I don't think that's something that will ever change.

Not sure if it's genetic as I've got a few family members who also stutter, though one of my worries has been that my kids will inherit this gene from me. Fortunately, my daughter seems to be a little chatterbox, though my son isn't talking yet, so only time will tell.

"They are rooted in childhood—which is the only time stuttering can be reversed. Once you’re an adult, there are only ways of hiding"

Don't think this is true. Bill Walton and Bill Withers both were in their 30s before they stopped stuttering I believe.

The problem with stuttering is that the condition is so broad and the cases are so diverse that any generalization of that kind is bound to be incorrect. So of course there'll be cases of stutters who managed to achieve complete fluency in adulthood, as well as people who only began to stutter as adults.

I don't agree with this either. I am in my thirties now and still stutter but I have made huge progress in the past 5 years. In the past stuttering was a huge part my life. Now, while I stutter from time to time my self confidence means it doesn't matter.

In the past I refused to use the phone. I couldn't. I would be vocally paralysed. Today I spent an hour talking on the phone to a mortgage broker.

The only situation I struggle with is conference calling at work. I haven't thought much on it as I rarely do it. I guess I worry I will get stuck and someone will talk over me.. which I guess is silly. If I did it more I am sure I would master it too.

I had a stutter growing up, it was terrible. Whenever I got noticed I just froze up, I particularly remember one English teacher who knew I was bad at public speaking yet repeatedly calling on me during class to read sections (more than other kids).

I was terrified of going to high school with a stutter, I knew how cruel kids could be, but out of nowhere my stutter disappeared. I never really looked at to what phenomenon caused my stutter to go away but it was a huge weight off my back.

> I had a stutter growing up, it was terrible. Whenever I got noticed I just froze up, I particularly remember one English teacher who knew I was bad at public speaking yet repeatedly calling on me during class to read sections (more than other kids).

It sounds like the English teacher had a sadistic streak.

She was definitely a mean one.I always felt she was picking on me.

Could also see it as a misguided attempt to help, like teaching someone to swim by throwing them in the pool. Obviously I don't know your teacher, if you say she was a mean one she was a mean one, but that's the charitable interpretation.

I'm interested in what you (and other current/former stutterers) think the right strategy in the classroom would be. On the one hand you don't want to push a student into daily humiliations, it's cruel. On the other hand, life will continue to require public speaking, and allowing a student to hide from that is maybe doing them a disservice in the long run. What approaches from teachers did/didn't work for you?

I had a couple years Stuttering. Never figured out why, suspected it was related to trying pot for about 6 months. Not really sure but it's the only thing I could put it down to at the time. But boy, was that ever unpleasant. It just slowly faded away over time. For those of you that have had to live with this I really feel for you. There is the social side that's difficult but I had not idea how frustrating it is when your speech just wont come out. Seriously if you've never experienced this long term it's really hard to express how uncomfortable this can make life.

But as for the social side, I think you'd be surprised how unfazed most of the people you know will be by it. Sure sometimes they'll be flustered and get annoyed but I don't think you need to be embarrassed by it the way most people are.

I stutter. It's part of my life. I also speak 3 languages, 2 since childhood and I've always wondered if multilingualism contributed to it.

Sometimes I do apologize for it, just because I feel embarrassed for the people having to listen to it and don't want them to feel like I am having a stroke.

Some coworkers and family members help me finish my sentences. It heard it bothers other people who stutter, I'm ok with it.

I am a Mcguire programme http://www.mcguireprogramme.com/en graduate and it has totally transformed my life. From the quiet introvert person I once was to a confident independent person.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com