Ask HN: Why am I so unhappy in spite of material success? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: Why am I so unhappy in spite of material success?

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I am in my mid twenties working at a prestigious tech company. I earn almost 5x what I did out of college 4 years ago. I have a very short walking commute. I don't work long hours. Objectively, my actual work is rather interesting from a technical perspective. I am in the best shape of my life. I take around 5-6 weeks of paid vacation per year and travel to interesting places.

In spite of all this, I wake up every morning dreading going to work, and I feel that my life has no meaning or purpose. I am constantly unhappy because of this. Why? How can I become happier?

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Every item pointed out is related to work; make good money at work, short commute to work, interesting work, good benefits at work. The only non work item you mentioned is that you are in the best shape of your life (physically at least).

It appears your work/life balance is lacking. Do you have a significant other? Do you have hobbies you enjoy and/or actively pursue? I have been where you are with the dreading going to work each morning even to the point of being physically sick each morning. I had to find purpose in my work and as a result have just recently formed a startup that I hope will be accepted into Y Combinator.

I would encourage you to find someone you can talk to about the feelings you are experiencing before they become even more pronounced. Success at work is terrific but happiness is not always tied to employment success.

I felt the same way 12 years ago when I was in my mid-twenties. Long story short is I ended up walking into a pet store and buying a puppy. Around 6 months later the dog started losing hair and turned out he had a mite problem and was born without an immunity system.

I ended up putting down the dog and by my gym was a normal pet store that didn't sell dogs/cats but had a dog rescue event going on. So I went there to donate what stuff I bought. I ended up talking to the founder there on why pet store dogs are so bad.

So that day I signed up to foster a dog. A few months later I was helping with events and then a group of us split from that rescue to start our own that imported dogs from the south that were surrendered up north. It changed my life doing something I felt was good.

Maybe you can try to take some of your time and donate it to some cause you might be interested in. I turned from hating work to thinking of work as a means for me to make money to help a cause I loved.

I've found shelter dogs to be more resilient. It seems that's because they're almost always mixed, instead of bred in less-than-ideal conditions with possibly less-than-ideal genes.

The genetic lottery a mutt has tends to make it a better dog.

This is only my experience with 5-10 adopted dogs, though, and 3-5 pure-bred dogs.

I've been told that by many Vets. The genetic mixing really helps.

I'm not sure if this is true but one told me most of the golden retrievers in the US can be traced back to just three male dogs from the mid-70s. He said its the cause of a lot of their hip and cancer problems that are common in the breed.

I will post this here at the risk of being the most down voted comment of all time but here we go: Read the bible, get to know Jesus. Not a religion or religious path, Jesus the man and the God. Pray and ask Him who you really are in your own eyes and in His eyes. Then, simply Love others as yourself and Him above all else. I personally took this journey many years ago when I was going through a very dark time. I was very unhappy with it all, despite having a good job, a great wife, an amazing daughter, family support and all. I lived religion for many years previous to that and tried to be a good man, going to church and following the do/don't routine. Not until I searched for a relationship with Jesus and asked him to show me who I really am, was I able to live a fulfilling life of purpose. If you feel like it we can talk more in depth about all this and I can tell you my story. DM me on twitter and we'll connect @djbelieny

There's religion and there's spirituality. Aim to be more spiritual and less religious. Having a connection with God, Source, Universal Force, whatever you call it is spirituality. Quoting Bible verses and judging others based on a book is religious righteousness.

I wouldn't say quoting Bible verses is religious righteousness as much as quoting any other book. As for judging I agree with you 100%. That's why "Love others as yourself" is one of my favorite passages. How can you possibly judge someone differently or "more righteously" than anyone else if you love them as yourself. Love Inception ;)

I'll easily vouch for this.

I'm going to be short and to the point, and hope you will take it well. I mean the best, as I myself have been in this place.

Based on what you wrote, it seems like you are only focused inward, on yourself. Figure out a way to focus on someone else.

Had an old, wise friend tell me, "You learn to love, by doing for..." i.e. when you tend to someone who is helpless, you are focused on them, and their needs. You gain a whole new perspective on life.

Do _for_ them. Do something that doesn't bring you any gain or benefit. Just to be a good human. Selfless.

Kids make this happen, naturally. But I'm not suggesting you go have a bunch of kids, just for that, I hope you get my drift.

I really wasn't happy until I had a kid. The more I had, the happier I got.

Giving life gives purpose, in a way.

This is good advice. Also, appreciate what you've been given and give to those less fortunate. Working at a soup kitchen, or somewhere where you can come in contact with those less fortunate will help you appreciate what you have. Akulbe mentioned kids. I can't upvote that enough. They really help you become selfless and see the beauty of life.

The part about the soup kitchen... I thought about that. One thing I'd caution on this, is check your motives.

If you're going to check the box, okay, I'm a good person because I do this... you've lost. Start over.

Truth be told, any one of us is one catastrophe away from being where the folks who come to the soup kitchen are. We could be uber-successful one day, and penniless the next.

Find out about them. It's about THEM. Ask them to tell you their story. Get to know them. Focus completely on someone else. Listen. Don't talk.

Make sense?

I too have had a huge happiness increase since having children. I have two, they are the best things in my life. Overall though, I don't think the op problem is just about kids, it may be just down to isolation and loneliness. We need a village, family and social support to feel good. I'm happiest not only when I'm with my wife and children, but also have grand parents and other relatives and close friends gather.

Simple answer to your problem. Everything you mentioned about "being awesome" in your current life, aren't things that make you happy. That's it! Switch things up a little bit and I'm sure you're smart enough to make the difference between "what's good for me" and "what people think is awesome".

Try new things, break your routine. Life has a lot to offer my friend :)

Work is work . . . it's a means to provide for you (and your family/future family).

Life is about things outside of work, people, loved ones, pets, plants, hobbies.

Set some goals to connect with friends and family. Get a pet, do gardening, volunteer, read. Go hiking, go biking. Play a team sport.

Most people dread going to work, that's why they call it work, btw. Although it is nice if you can enjoy work, short commute, great pay and interesting projects can help with that.

Build other things in your life where you look forward to going to work, but you really look forward to getting off work to pursue the people/hobbies you really care about.

Exercise can help too but sounds like you have that covered. Try something new though. Hiking, Biking, Rock Gym/Climbing. Team sports.

Good luck finding the illusive 'happiness', sounds like you're on the right track.

Agreed. At one point in time I really, really wanted my hobby and passion to be my work. But it didn't work out. And honestly, I'm kinda glad it didn't.

It's important to keep the thing that gives you drive in life separate from what drives every other decision in life (money). When they are intertwined, relationships and mental health tend to suffer.

Maybe you need to share your life with someone else.

Maybe you need to work on something that helps people.

Maybe your work is the wrong variety. Maybe you need to do work where you shower after your shift, rather than before.

Maybe you need to work for yourself, rather than a company.

Just a few thoughts, maybe one clicks.

The only answer to this is, nobody knows why, just try different things and look if they make you happier.

Get into a romantic relationship or even multiple parallel if that is your thing. (I'm in non-monogamous relationships for 8 years now and started feeling much better)

Start a company or get kids. Having to care for your employees or kids can give you a purpose.

Try to help people in general. Teach some lesser fortunate people your skills, see what they make of it, maybe it helps you to get meaning by lifting others up.

Become a monk, christian or some other religion. They always search for people and the constant work and prayers gave some people meaning. Also the 100% structured daily life lets you age much slower.

This was posted in HN as well, but it serves to repost it for this question: http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80...

Having material things is worthless unless you do not have any long, deep, and meaningful relationship and belong in a community. We, humans, long for deep connections. None of the material things will make you happy unless you share it.

Berkeley's Greater Good Science center does fantastic research on this topic. They have a MOOC too.

This article is a great summary that may help you:

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_helping_ot...

These parts specifically may provide key insight:

"Often, psychologists have distinguished between two types of well-being: hedonic well-being (a sense of happiness) and eudaimonic well-being (a sense of meaning and purpose). Although happiness and meaning overlap significantly, researchers suspected that helping others is especially crucial to developing a sense of meaning."

"A recent article published in The Journal of Positive Psychology by Daryl Van Tongeren and his colleagues sought to examine this relationship. In a preliminary study, the researchers asked over 400 participants to report on how frequently they engage in different altruistic behaviors (such as volunteering) and how meaningful their life feels. Participants who were more altruistic reported a greater sense of purpose and meaning in their lives."

Do you have any goals outside of work - not like vacations but something that is a challenge and requires skill building?

Are you dating?

I'd recommend reading "The Way of the Superior Man" [1]. One of the things that's stuck with me from the book is that no one ever feels like they've "made it". Even if you do feel like you get to the point, like you have, you suddenly become miserable as there's nothing left to strive for. We need some driver in our lives that push us forward.

The author also makes the claim where everyone should have an hour per day to focus on something they want to do. It helps give you direction and purpose. I know the times when I've done this, I've enjoyed work and life a lot more than the times where I haven't.

[1] http://amzn.com/B004A8ZWM4

Material success makes nobody happy, so do success.

You don't feel happy while conquering, you feel successful.

You feel only happy when you contemplate things. When you look at how much you studied and effort you put to have what you have today, this makes you happy, possibly. Hell, you can even by happy by contemplating your success. I can even read that from your post.

But then that's just one thing. You need to contemplate other things. I for instance contemplate the sweet charm of my wife, the sweetness of my dog, the sound of my guitar.

You need other stuff to do.

I guess by know you also know that there's a lot of people who manage to be just as good as you or successful, how the world is filled with sad people with a good face and job. Perhaps it's time now to look into another direction. I find those people completely uninteresting and boring.

Also, everybody does grow up knowing that they should have a job which pays them well and all, those are the things that society throw at your face, you just handled that well. You need to dig deep on yourself and find out what you actually wanted, and then take this from deep inside to outside, to make it your reality.

It doesn't mean leaving your job or anything, it just means being you.

A obvious choice is travelling, because you just visit a city and contemplate its beauty, the people and everything. No matter how rich or poor, there's beauty, there's only beauty because people are in the contemplating mood.

But then you can turn this to what you want. You might have different tastes.

Maybe because you haven't truly answered these questions:

1. From where you actually came from.

2. What are you here for.

3. Where to go afterwards.

By the way, it started with your first intention, i.e. for what did you worked so hard for all these?

You may enjoy the books "Happiness" and "Altruism" by Matthieu Ricard, who's been called the "happiest man alive" based on extensive brain scans. His advice is basically to help others in practical ways, as well as more abstract ways such as loving kindness meditation. Tldr: helping others takes attention off of "separate self", which is a common cause of suffering. Wish you the very best!

First thing to answer is this material success is this something you really want or is it something that society "induced" into you.

There are many ways to make yourself feel better, but the most effective actually is to understand "Why I am doing this?".

Jesus or a puppy can alleviate the symptoms for some time but if you are living somebody else's idea of a good life it's just kicking the can down the road. It's treating the symptoms.

It is not an easy task to align yourself with you ( as crazy as it might sound :)), but this is the only way to feel right.

And is not an easy thing to do in the materialistic society which we live in. Where stuff and possessions are supposed to make you feel fulfilled . They never will, so try new things that are not about money or owning things but rather about experiences. The more out of the ordinary experiences you get the easier it is to answer this question "How do I become happier?"

Do you find your job meaningful? Look into that and you might find that you need to feel that you're making a difference with your work. I had a similar situation where I felt like a cog without much significance to my job. Dealing with technology day in and day out can be very dissatisfying.

Possible solutions:

1)Find out what you really want to do even if it's less money

2)Do you need to find someone to share your life with?

3) Do you need to work up the career ladder?

4) if what you want to do won't let you make a living. Use your current job to finance what you want to do. It will give your job a purpose.

5) Talk to a mental health professional.

I would take one of those long vacations and test different things. You'll have to take action. You can talk about it forever and it won't make a difference.

Make a list.

What are the things you want out of life?

List them in order of priority.

Go after each item on the list.

Realize that you may or may not get each item you want but that the thrill is as much in the chase as it is in the outcome.

Realize there's nothing wrong with material success. I've seen both riches and extreme poverty. Riches are better.

My list is literally the first thing I see when I wake up; it's on the wall I face when I wake up.

Start creating, and not just writing code, start creating outside of development. Start writing, making music, painting, sewing, designing, woodworking. Try going out with friends to different events than usual and try different things - new kind of music, new kind of food, new kind of drinks.. Smoke some weed and lie in bed thinking about your life.

> Smoke some weed and lie in bed thinking about your life.

This led me to a paranoid psychotic break when I was 21.

24 and experienced a similar thing, but it wasn't a breakdown. I smoke late night and sometimes get paranoid about my life falling apart because of my lack of responsibility, then the next day I'm focused with my shit together and improve my life a lot by becoming a more responsible person.

I think I just smoked too heavily for a few years and it eventually led to an overwhelming paranoia and anxiety that led me to not leave the house for about two weeks.

By too heavily I mean me and a buddy were doing a few bukkets/bongs at least four or five times a day over the course of years.

I quit smoking for about 5 years after that. I've tried smoking a few times since but even in small amounts I get a distant creeping anxiety that takes me back to how I felt that day.

I've totally ruined it for myself.

That's really interesting. Before the paranoia set in, how did you feel after a year or two of smoking every day?

I still got a little bit of paranoia now and then, but I was a teenager trying to hide the fact that I smoked from my parents so paranoia was the typical variety one might find when smoking weed that young.

I was paranoid about people walking through the door and catching me in the act for example, even when I knew nobody was going to be around for a while.

For the most part I felt good when high. Too good probably, because I found myself just wanting to be high all the time.

Music, movies and games were all more interesting. This got to the point though where I found them uninteresting when I was sober though, and needed weed to enjoy them. That started happening with a lot of things in my life, I needed weed to be interested.

It definitely affected my energy levels and concentration too. I just couldn't focus and maintain my interest in anything productive for any significant length of time. I started skipping college a lot, stopped exercising etc.

I'm pro-legalisation but I think the extent to which I smoked weed just totally ruined it for me forever. It's something I think people shoul'd be aware of, especially those that advocate smoking 'all day erryday'

The day I quit was in my opinion the day I became a heavy alcohol drinker though. I'm not as bad as I was with weed so much but there have been times over the last decade where some troubles in my life have led me to basically drinking a 750ml bottle of rum or 8-12 500ml cans of strong lager 4 or 5 nights a week (alone as well. I would just sit there and play PC games all night).

That's obviously seriously damaging to myself mentally and physically and led to a lot of the same problems I had with weed like not meeting my obligations, not exercising, eating badly etc.

I'm okay for the most part these days. Make a conscious effort to stick to drinking only when out with friends and avoid weed entirely because it just makes me incapable of handling social situations which I'm normally fine with, and makes me very anxious when I'm doing it alone.

I think I'm just one of these people who has always needed a crutch. Like I have an addictive personality and cannot do anything in moderation, I always seem to go at it hard or not at all.

One of my best friends is like that too and he was the guy I spent most of my teens hanging out with, most times just him and me getting high and playing games so we probably were bad influences on each other. He also developed the same problem with alcohol after quitting weed around the same time for the same reasons funnily enough.

Strangely I have done LSD and MDMA maybe once or twice a year since I was in my teens and I've never had an issue with either of these things, in terms of them making me feel terrible or doing them habitually.

Perhaps because they are drugs that are difficult to do habitually? You generally need to leave time between each trip for example to get anywhere near the same effect.

Thanks for this post, hope the conscious efforts become effortless soon and you are doing better with your anxiety!

>I think I'm just one of these people who has always needed a crutch. Like I have an addictive personality and cannot do anything in moderation, I always seem to go at it hard or not at all.

Feel ya man. Sometimes I think that about myself, actually I found it out when I was high recently. Lately smoking weed before sleep helps a lot to think about myself and my own problems and my conclusion is that even tho I'm what people would call an extrovert and everyone thinks I'm really social, I have anxiety and am always afraid that I will have nothing to talk about with people so I use alcohol and drugs as crutches.

Regarding those other drugs, can't speak on LSD since I never did it (thinking about it tho), but MDMA is great yet I stick to "do it once in 3 months", tho I know people that abuse it on more than a weekly basis and I'd say they are addicted because it fucked up their brain chemistry so they keep doing it every few days. When you have an access to a huge amount, it easily becomes a habit.

> get paranoid about my life falling apart because of my lack of responsibility

Hell, I get that often without any drugs

Hahah me too, but this is like 10x amplified and then I break it down into small things which I can do to keep on pretending I'm an adult.

What are you doing to make others lives more meaningful and productive? My experience is that refocusing my attention away from myself, and towards others has the unanticipated benefit of lifting my own well being.

As a start, volunteer one hour every week at an organization that interests you. Do the grunt work. See what the effect is after a month and grow from a simple base.

Life is more than career and income. You are not your job. Analyse other life choices. Are you with a wrong person? Do you think you let somebody down? Do you have to repair some damage? Are you giving anything away? Are you grateful?

Because you are a slave Neo ;-)

This is the only real answer

You haven't told us enough information. What's your social life like? Do you have any close friends or acquaintances? Do you have any family members you talk to? Significant other? etc...

It's not out there, man. The world is an illusion.

Start meditating :)

what are your thought patterns when you feel at your worst? (i.e. wish I was doing x thing, or living an x life).

Get a new girlfriend / boyfriend

Imo happiness comes from our beliefs. Beliefs add up to become perspective. Once perspective aligns we garner from it our personal truths. As humans get older we tend to stabilize perspective and truth changes less. This is why suggestions to resolve inner turmoil commonly focus on stabilizing ones belief structure: it makes truths more reliably convincing. Humans find it deeply satisfying to know the truth. Unfortunately, universal truth is elusive and not likely provable so instead the pyramid paradigm we live in says: convince yourself of whatever truth conveniences you the most, and we'll sell you the means to believe it.

Something has put you near the top of the power pyramid for its own reasons. And the whole of global consumerism is here to service your happiness. Consider all that went into the wealth and influence you have as a rich person. Everywhere you go you can buy approximations of happiness, but your beliefs are preventing that from happening. You worked to get your job that provides your high status. Now you have the right to that level of buying power but your beliefs are holding you back from being a successful consumer at your place in the pyramid scheme.

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